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In which Hank completes his survey (in under 3 minutes and 30 seconds)


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A Bunny
( - -)
((') (')
Hank: Okay, my assignment for the day is to complete my own survey, and I have to do it really fast, so, I'm just gonna start.

(Questions are spoken in a fast forward chipmunk voice. Answers are spoken quickly)

How long have you known Hank and Katherine?

I've known Katherine for about nine years, now, which is, by my reckoning, a very long time. I've known myself for as long as a self knows itself.

What do you want from us?

From Katherine, I want nothing more than what she gives. From me, I want maybe a little bit more self-restraint and a Nintendo Wii.

What are you doing? Please be as specific as possible.

I'm making a Brotherhood 2.0 video, which is a part of the Brotherhood 2.0 project, which is a weird thing that I'm doing with my brother. It involves posting a lot of video blogs on the internet. I'm also writing, which is a blog for environmental technologies. And I'm running my own web design and development business. And I'm also trying to be a freelance writer. (holds up magazine) Look! I'm in this month's edition of mental_floss.

How long do you think you will be doing it?

Well, the video blog is another eleven months, yikes. I'll probably be doing be doing web development for the rest of my life, and I hope to be writing for about that long, too.

What do you want to be doing?

Pretty much exactly what I'm doing, which is really lucky and amazing and for the first time I've ever been able to say that.

What's next in your life?

Oh, hopefully, you know, fame and fortune. But, probably, content in obscurity.

How you doing?

Up to this point, I've kind of lived my life just going with the flow, you know, whichever way. But now, for the first time in my life I feel like I've got a paddle, and I'm beatin' bad people over the head with it.

What's the best book you've read this year?

I hate this question! Umm, serious fiction: The Memory of Whiteness. For funny fiction: Going Postal. For non-fiction: Last Child of the Woods.

Describe your perfect day.

(in high voice) Oh my God, I have to do this really quick! (normally) Wake up and check my email and discover that I've become famous for something that I did that's really interesting and really cool and I'm really proud of. Go have a nice poop. Go to the beach, where it is warm and sunny and Katherine is wearing a bikini. Go hiking by a cool mountain stream. Then, for lunch, have something that I've never had before but which is amazingly good. Spend some time surfing, which I've never done before, but am suddenly extremely good at. Eat a late dinner at the Red Bird restaurant in Montana. Walk out the front door and find that everyone I know is having a block party in the alley behind the Florence Hotel. Join them.

Assuming that all things come to an end, how will humans go extinct?

I actually think that I'm an optimist when it comes to people going extinct. I think we will eventually tire of procreation and find new ways of existing that don't involve mass slaughters and resource depletion.

How do you feel about kids these days?

Well...there's a lot of cute ones around, and I like them. But they drool a lot and I really, really, really, really don't want to get one myself.

In this space, compose your own question and answer it.

This is the question that I never ask because I can never find the answer to it myself. But, this year I can! What's the best song you heard this year? Far and away, Weird Al's “White and Nerdy.” Much better than anything he's ever done, oh my God!

Ambrosia tastes better than anything else. What does ambrosia taste like?

Uh, like a hot dog with a stick in it, dipped in some corn batter and then...and, like, Oh. Uh. Never mind.

If you were a cliché, what cliché would you be?

Uh, either an absent-minded professor or a kid in a candy store. Which is pretty much how I feel when I'm in the zone on the internet. So, maybe absent-minded kid in a candy store.

What's your least favorite part of any given day?

Almost invariably getting out of bed.

Do you enjoy science fiction?

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yesyesyesyesyes.

Cheese or chocolate?

Chocolate, because it's more advanced. It's more difficult, it's more new and fresh and complex.

Where would you live if you could live anywhere?

Under the sea? (sings) Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me. Or maybe Mars. Umm, or maybe in a small town in Montana, or maybe in a small town in the southeastern United States. As long as all my friends were there.

What was your first concert?

The, ah, B-52s.

If you could start a business that would be instantly successful, what business would it be?

Definitely a magazine about environmental technologies, because if my business was instantly successful, then that would be really great!

Invisibility or time travel?

Definitely time travel. I don't believe anybody said invisibility because time travel is... you can definitely do everything that you could do with invisibility and more. As long as I don't have any chances of ripping shreds in space/time continuums.

What's wrong with the world?

An underabundance of Katherines. So, yeah, definitely overpopulation: too many people. But, I really don't want anybody to die, so I really think we should lay the blame somewhere else. Like, like, brains hardwired for a local concern in a world of global consequences. That one sounds good.

Can I put this survey on my webpage?

Abso-frickin'-lutely. (does happy dance)

Done-done-done-done-done-done-done-done-done-done-Done! The survey section of this video was only three minutes and twenty-seven seconds. You can time it! So don't go telling me that I didn't complete the challenge just because this video is longer than three minutes and thirty seconds. I'll see you on Monday!

(after the Brotherhood 2.0 logo) I've submitted an uncompleted version of this survey to the comments of all the different places where you might find this video. All of our viewers who made this challenge up for me, I would like to invite you to complete the survey yourselves. In a text-based form, in a video form, in whatever form you like. Or not at all, that's fine, too. But I wanted to give you the chance, in case you wanted to. Also, so you could decipher if you can't quite understand what that chipmunk is saying.