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In which Hank has to find his way over a river of fire
I have returned!  It is time for me to be me.  And jump into water.  And also be Ezio.  And to kill some people.  So, I'm in the, I'm in the ancient tombs... I don't know how I'm gonna get out of this, but I guess I shouldn't be too worried about that.  

(0:18) And I'm gonna walk over here and probably get attacked by some people. I saw them earlier. No, no, no one's attacking me. I'm gonna look around here 'cause I'm curious if I can find some treasure, or maybe a beautiful maiden who needs rescuing and can pay me with her booty. I mean money, not her, like, virginity, or anything. Booty, you know. Booty.

(0:50) What? Where am I going? There's- I don't under- I thought that this was where I was going. Gah, that's locked. Okay, someone tell me what I'm supposed to be doing right now. That would be great. Uh, these are- is this- I came in, I went that way. Can I go this way? This way. This way is a dead end. Is it a dead end? It could be a dead end. Okay. Um... okay. 

(1:21) I'm gonna turn on my thing... I'm gonna turn on my thing now, and maybe that will give me a clue as to what I'm supposed to be doing. Apparently not. I just have torches. Torches, and this is me not having any idea what I'm... can I climb over this? No, of course not, despite the fact that of course I could if I were actually Ezio. 

(1:44) That is closed, that is closed, these are closed. Come on. Dang it, Ezio, where am I supposed to be going? Okay, I'm gonna stop talking, and I'm gonna figure out what I'm doing, and then I will re-cut in. Goodbye. 

(2:01) So I go this way, I go this way, and I go this way, and now I'm here, which is great news, and I'm gonna keep going this way, which is my new favorite way. And then I'm gonna do this, it's gonna be sweet, and I'm gonna keep doing this, going over here. And soon I will be able to get to a place where I have a bit of room. 

(2:24) Ha ha, I see. Just gonna grab onto that and (singing) fwoomp I'm so awesome! By the way, I'm so awesome. Where am I now? There's another thing, there's some lamps, there's this, here, I'm gonna climb up it, because that seems to be the thing to do, and- why do I wanna look that way? I don't wanna look that way, I wanna look this way.

(2:46) And then I wanna jump on this, and then I wanna jump on this. And I wanna grab this lamp, and I wanna jump on that, and then I wanna jump on this. And then I wanna pull up, give a pull up, and then I wanna jump on this lamp again, and I wanna (sound effects) fwoomp pa jeff ih kao. Heck yes! Heck yes I'm in here!

(3:03) I'm gonna pull this thing! I'm gonna press B to interact with it! Do the- yes, you know how these things work. I'm saying, man, it's just second nature to you. Nice, that's really cool. That is- that would be a complicated thing to set up. I'm just saying that the exhaust system for that, to make sure it would keep burning? Oh, and river of fire. Why wouldn't there be a river of fire? Of course there's a river of fire.

(3:30) I put rivers of fire in all of my ancient ruins. Because- "Explore the ancient ruins," it says. I will explore your ancient butt. No, I cannot grab on to that. Okay, river of fire, you and I, we're going to have a talk about how you don't make any sense, and how I don't-

(3:53) Oh, I'm gonna jump onto this statue. Grab it right- and I'm on your head. I am on your statue head. What? Where do I go now? This way? Okay, I do. That's where I go. That way, and then... now where do I go? Do I go this way? Where do I go? This doesn't seem like a... can I go all the way across? I cannot...

(4:18) I cannot... I thought that I could make it. That looked like a jump that Ezio could do, to me. I did not make it. Okay, that's embarrassing. (singing) Woot dee doot, don't worry about me. Okay, I know how to start at least, now.

(4:34) "Explore the ancient ruins." I don't think that "explore" is a really accurate description of what I'm doing here. Okay, good job, good job so far. Uh, can I jump onto this? Can I climb this? I can. That is what I needed to do. Yes, yes, much safer. Much safer strategy than last time, where I was like, "I should jump. I bet I can jump that. I bet I can jump that river of fire." 

(5:00) That's the last words of a lot of assassins, I have a feeling. Um... am I across? I don't feel like I'm across. Hoah, that was close. Oh, you're pointing me. It's like The Da Vinci Code, you're pointing me straight to the thing. That's where I needed to go. Thank you for the indication. 

(5:22) And woop, I am across the river of fire, bitches. I am so across the river of fire. Don't worry about me. Okay, I apparently don't wanna touch the ground yet, because you never know what will happen. Okay, that was just there for me to continue to be able to look cool. 

(5:41) Oh, I can't climb that? That is- that is not the case. I am way too awesome for that. Okay. Good job, Ezio, I am very impressed so far by your skills. Your skills, and where am I going now? I feel like I should continue to not be on the floor, because floors are no fun, and... it's true, that's mostly the reason. Floors are no fun. This is way more fun. 

(6:11) With the grabbing on things that will probably break, and... hoah, yes, that was sweet. That was sweet. Yeah, I feel like if I drop I will have to do that all over again. But maybe not, you never know. Huh, oh no! I missed it. I don't understand how I could miss it. That apparently doesn't matter. That was so cool, though.

(6:42) (laughing) I though that I was going to need to do that, all of that stuff, but I didn't. Oh, oh, what's going on, something- cut scene, cut scene, cut scene. You guys are weird! You guys- the followers of Romulus are weird! Oh, you're punching each other now. What? What? Do you live down here? I'm confused. Is this a secret society? It doesn't appear to be. It appears to be a bunch of creepy pagan cannibals. 

(7:13) Checkpoint reached. Okay, okay, where did I come from? Where am I going? What am I doing? Which way should I go? This way? This looks promising. Oh, that is a sludgy slime mold coming out of there. Totally a blob. Okay, so these guys know I'm here, theoretically. So they really should be, like, worried.

(7:31) I'd be worried if I was- what? Should I go down there? Should I go down there? Should I go down there? I'm gonna go down there. And now I'm wet. I'm wet. I'm sure this is where all the poo goes in Rome. Wait... no, no, no, this is where I was before! Oh, come on. Why did- why is there even an option for me to go back that way? That is mean of them. Okay. 

(8:00) I'm gonna pause now. That was cool and everything, but not ideal. Okay. Must leave now. (laughing) Darn it! Okay, I will start that back up when I've gotten past that part so you don't have to watch me do it again. All right, good, goodbye. I will see you on the other side.

Transcript by Coignmaster