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In which John defies the so-called Wadsworth Constant, which maintains that the first 30% of all YouTube videos can safely be skipped, by giving you Halloween pumpkin tips, some quotes from James Joyce's Ulysses, The Fault in Our Stars, his signature, and so on.

My new novel, The Fault in Our Stars, comes out on January 10, 2012. I'm signing the entire first printing. You can preorder your signed copy at your local bookstore, Barnes and Noble, or Amazon

The song is "Fireflies of Montreal" by Laurena Segura. She's an outlandishly talented nerdfighter. Check her out:


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A Bunny
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Good morning, Hank. It's Wednesday. [Ed: Actually Friday.] I must defy the Wadsworth Constant!

The Wadsworth Constant holds that the first 30% of a YouTube video is always skippable. Most pumpkins are sold by the pound, so Pro Tip: Bring a screwdriver and a straw to the pumpkin farm, stick the screwdriver in there, pop in your straw, suck out some pumpkin juice, and bam: Cheaper pumpkin. Don't tell me pumpkin juice doesn't exist, muggles!

If you want to seem like you've read James Joyce's "Ulysses" without actually reading it, just memorize these three quotations: "'History', Stephen said, 'is a nightmare from which I am trying to awake.'", "Love loves to love love", and finally, arguably the first eight words of post-modernism: "Oh, Jamesey, let me up out of this.". Pro Tip: Insert "arguably" into a sentence and it becomes true! How do you like them apples, Wadsworth? How's that for an entertaining and informative first 30%?

Right, so Hank, two important things have happened: First, I have now signed my name more than one hundred thousand times in my mission to sign every copy of the first printing of The Fault in Our Stars. Some people think that I'm cheating or using a stamp or that the books won't actually be signed, but you're about to see me sign some. I am not a cheat!

Two: Hank! Hank! Hank! You know Laurena Segura, Nerd Factor winner for her amazing song "Permafrost"? Well, she has an EP that is out on iTunes through DFTBA Records by popular demand! Look how popular the demand was! It includes not only "Permafrost", but a song in French and this song, "Fireflies of Montreal".

["Fireflies of Montreal" by Laurena Segura plays while John signs]

Ripple in the midnight clouds
No stars at the horizon
Flicker from an old street light
Attracts the moths who claim the night
Satellites that pass overhead
In the rib cage sky
If they stop, we're good as dead
So then what good am I?
But I've heard from encounters with the past
That creatures gentle glowing never last
Oh, won't someone tell me after all
What happened to the fireflies of Montreal?
Darkness in the alleyways
At least for some
In the sixties flew away
Left a few, now there are none
But I've heard from encounters with the past
That gentle creatures glowing never last
Oh, won't someone tell me after all,
What happened to the fireflies of Montreal?
Oh, won't someone tell me after all,
What happened to the fireflies of Montreal?

Hank, I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything, but Laurena is fast replacing you as my third-favorite band. iTunes link in the doobly-doo. Hank, you're still my favorite videoblogger if that makes you feel better. Your video on Wednesday was brilliant. I can't wait to see-- it was on Monday. Gah, I'm so bad at days! Alright, I'm going to go back to signing, but I will see you on Friday! [Ed: Actually Monday.] That was too much of a gesticulation; that was like "wwwaaaahhhh!". Maybe I'll just leave that in.