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I am also a LOVER!!
I have returned, standing in the exact same place. I'm starting to think that I may need a pop tart. Where am I go- the little blue dot is this way! Head toward the blue- wait, it's upstairs, it's upstairs blue dot. That is where I am- upstairs blue dot! There's a shiny door! Thank you for dickhead for making it shine for me. Thank you for dickhead.

Ooh, excellent! I could use a bath, I have never had one of those, as far as I can tell. Yes, take it off, Ezio. I wonder if there are people who, like, think he's totally hot. I guess he is kinda hot. He's gotta be- oh, did he just take both shoes off at the same time? Because that is intense. I expected more scars, considering what we've been through together, Ezio, I expected some- hello, a chick-a-but-a-what-a-boop-a, that is a little butty, little booty, butty, little butty booty, tiny butt. Is that, who is that, is that your sister or your mom or neither of those things, hopefully, or- oooooooook, hello my dear, glad I came to the bathtub room.

Diamond. You know what the diamond means. Is this a loading screen again? What? No, it's a cut scene, OK. What is that? Is that my death glove? Oh, hello. Death glove in foreground, naughtiness in background. And we, and now lots of music, soft cuts to black, fade to black, fade, fade out from black, fade to black, fade out, you know what this means. This girl is teeny, teeny-tiny. I don't think that's what they were like in the Renaissance. I thought they were less teeny- that is unnaturally tiny, unless she is 7.

OK, OK, more diamonds, we've done the thing, did the sex thing, now Ezio must continue his journey- what, what are we doing? Was that so processor intensive? Oh, we're done, OK. What? Toboggan? Did you just say toboggan? I'm pretty sure I should be seeing your nipple right now, but it was not there. Yup, yup, it's not there. That doesn't sound like tr-ooooook, oh my house, my hoooouse, it got banged, where's my clothes? Where's my clooothes? My clothes are extremely important to my, to my success as a badass. What, you aren't wearing your clothes, those clothes are extremely important. I think it would be a good idea if you stopped right now and put your clothes on because I've seen Die Hard and he doesn't put his shoes on in the beginning and he should have because then the glass gets blown out and he has to walk over it and get, aw you should have got your, now you have no clothes. Aw man, man that was a mistake. It's gonna take forever for me to get those back. Are you wearing shoes at least? Got your boots on. Good, good, because it's the Borgia and he will shoot the glass out. OK, I will take care of this, somehow. I promise. I am very good, even without my awesome breastplate.

I don't even- I landed on a horse! Hell yes. Need to do that more often. Where am I going? Where am I going? This horse is not behaving well. Misbehaving horse. OK, OK, OK, I lost all of my stuff. What am I doing? Am I trying not to kill people, because it seems like I'm killing people. Yup, I don't actually feel like I'm controlling... I lost my large smoke bomb pouch, I lost my sword, I just lost my horse, I lost my knife belt, villagers are fleeing and there's 295 left. Where am I going? OK, I cannot go there. Where should I go then? Where, is there a ladder? There is a ladder. No, no, ladder, ladder, lad-der, lad-der, excellent. Oh fartknocker. OK, can I climb that, OK. Oh geez, oh geez, Hank, cooperate, oh, this is a serious attack.

City fortifications are seriously- man the cannon! Why isn't there someone manning the cannon? There's like 20 people here. They don't, they don't know how to man the cannon? Wow, that is a lot, they, they, they were seriously, they were prepared. OK, I had no idea. Load the cannon faster! This is unacceptable. OK, as long as- woah, those cannonballs are getting very close to my head! Can I shoot between them and get two at once? I can, I can, I'm glad I thought of that. Shows how smart I am. No one's being destroyed, we'll be fine. The city fortifications are extreeeeemely low though. Oh geez, oh geez. What is this thing? What, what, oh my god, it's coming toward me. It's moving toward me and I need it to break. Break. Oh geez, am I dead, did I lose?

Man the cannon. But I already manned the other- OK, this is bad, woah, I just shot nothing. Perfect, great use of your time, Hank. Great use of your time. There are 75 villagers left to flee and the city fortifications are just about destroyed entirely. This thing is cool, I like shooting this thing. 60 villagers. OK, I broke it, I broke that thing, I don't know that- oh there are not much in the way of fortifications left. Not, oh geez, one little sliver, I think I'm going to fail at saving all of my friends.

Aw, the villa has been, oh no, oh no, oh that, that's embarrassing. I took that way too seriously. Sorry, I got really into it there for a little while. I am all kinds of dead. I need to get there faster. A case that is clear to me now. I needed to be more on the ball. I'm gonna pause for now. Oh, we start at the cannon, we start at the cannon, OK I'm gonna run more. Run more. Oh geez, we don't have much in the way of fortifications.

OK, I'm gonna do better this time, I'm gonna do these ones. These ones, these ones seem more important to me. Did I get three? It looked like I got three! I did, I did, I got three. Well that, that is a revelation, that I can get three at a time. If I had known that from the beginning- why are the cannonballs exploding? I don't understand why cannonballs would be exploding.

Can I get the middle one and get three? I can! Yes, this is going to be much better now! Now that I know I can get three at a time. OK, shaboosh! Oh no, I missed. I missed one, I missed one. That's OK, that's OK, it's just one. Whaaaat? What? No! No! No!

OK, I got almost all of them, almost all of them. Oh, he's dead. I don't actually care all that much. I'm not going to go for that thing, because apparently, it's not all that important. That was good. That was good, now I must kill the cannons! OK. I don't know why they explode. Is it a ball of gunpowder or is it a ball of iron? I thought that's what cannons were. Where am I going, where, where am I shooting? I don't see anything to shoot at. Except for this thing. That thing isn't actually shooting at the city. Destroy the enemy cannons is my goal...but I'm shooting this. Does that count? There's only 5 people, only 5 people, there's 0, 0 villagers left, that is great news! Um, checkpoint reached, we have saved them.

Oh geez, I thought, I thought, ugh, OK, defend the rampart against the siege. Where, how do I get there? Oh, I use the thing. Hajabigow, shapow! Do I, can I... Why yes, don't mind if I do. Yes, I stabbed you in the chest. Probably should switch to my sword now. Oh, I have your head. What just happened? These guys are not tough. You guys are not tough. Yes, I keep stabbing you. Oh man, it hurts to get stabbed in the gut, doesn't it? I don't have time to wait for you to attack me! What, were you guys just fighting each other? It appears- oh, and I shot. I did not realize that I had a gun as part of my countering maneuvers. Oh, down the back of the spine! Who else wants some? You? You? I just hamstrung you! What are you? I forgot how to fight these guys! I forgot how to fight these guys! How do you fight these guys? Do I have to like, I have to steal his weapon. How do you do that? Anybody remember how to steal the weapon? What, no! How do I fight these guys? I've completely forgot! I do not remember how to fight those guys. Is it, what button, I hit a button. Is it this button? Nope! It wasn't that one! That was the button that makes me die.

OK, I'm going to stop now because I'm dead, and look up how to steal that guy's giant axe so I can use it to bash his head in. Thank you for participating and watching me play this particular video game. I will see you next time!