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In which Hank Kills a Killer

Hello, I am back. When we last spoke, I was in a hay bale. I didn’t even know I was in a hay bale!

When we last spoke, I was, uh, just getting back into Renaissance Italy and I was very excited about it. And then I did a mission and completely failed.

But there’s this man here and he’s very sad because his wife was just killed by a man named Il Carfeshechickenay. Shikenay. Something. And I have to go kill the man who killed his wife. I’m not rescuing anyone. I’m just killing. Cause that is what I do best.

Aw, shoot! That’s an unfortunate outcropping. Where does this guy live? Where does he…uh.

And yeah. That’s really annoying, that it dropped it again, but it did. Good news is that I turned on subtitles! And now you people will be able to see that air assassinate!

Press LT to lock on my target. Okay, where is my target?

Okay, he’s on the other side of this wall. I’m gonna free-run my butt—

[man in game]: Ah, not my best. But it’s hard to make art with poor materials.

What? Are you talking about the assassin, the hanging that you just did? That is embarrassing, that you would—Oh. I see. This is going to be really easy. Oh are you talking? Are you talking? Oh, you’re having a nice conversation? HOW ABOUT YOU DIE INSTEAD??

Oh, we’re gonna have a conversation. I love how we have a conversation after I stab the guy in the face.

[Ezio]: Requiescat in pace.

I have to be like oh, rest in peace. And there’s a knife in your brain, let’s talk. We’re not gonna talk, oh, that makes sense. Oh good. Sometimes we talk.

Usually, actually, we talk. But not this time. This time we don’t talk, and instead I just sever that guy’s jugular vein.

Oh, that is annoying. That is annoying. I did not even know that was possible.

And oh! I’m so sorry about killing you! That’s oh, that’s..what about you? Someone told me to do hidden blade only, so I am.

So I’m doing hidden blade only, and I’m—oh! Hidden blade is harder. Hidden blade is harder. I only have 2.

Oh! In the butt! Right, I stabbed you in the butt with my knife. And in the back. And…150 florins for me! What, you guys don’t wanna—

[guy in game]: just let me go!

Oh, I feel kinda bad now. You guys have families, right? You guys have families and you wanna, you wanna have a life and such…uh, I’m gonna hold B to loot instead of killing you. Hold B, because I have to hold it so it will take more time. Oh, a Claddagh ring. Claddagh? That doesn’t seem like an Italian word to me. Eh heh heh hey.

So yes. Success. The subtitles are working, I have killed Il Carnefice and I don’t know where I’m going now, but uh, the only thing that you missed was a really spazzy horse. You missed the spazzy horse, it was fun. And you missed uh me seeing that guy’s wife get hung, which was too bad.

I didn’t actually see his wife get hung, actually.

Oh! Where am I?

Oh, I can press RB to throw money and distract the guards.

OK. Where am I going? Where? 'scuse me. Ohh…I can push B and tackle people.

Get out of my way!

Probably shouldn’t tackle the guards. Probably shouldn’t do that. Where—

So now I’ve got this outfit, but I’ve lost my really nice armor, and that is just annoying. Blacksmith’s..access database, buy new gear. Refill ammunition, repair things. I would love to buy new gear, I don’t think that I probably have enough money to buy new gear right now.

Don’t worry, I’m just free running, it’s totally cool. Don’t worry.

Okay, you! Let’s talk! Let’s talk. Oh, Machiavelli!

[Machiavelli]: Ezio, what a surprise to see you.


[Ezio]: I thought you had sent for me.

I thought you had sent for me.

[Machiavelli]: Never. News of the Villa attack has spread across the city.

Really? That’s weird.

[Machiavelli]: We were certain that you were dead.

No. Noo, I do not die.

[Ezio]: I am still very much alive.

That is correct. I only have a hole in me, that I am completely ignoring.

That’s the other thing, that I have been shot in the shoulder and a doctor gave me a vial and I’m fine now. So, that’s good. He said that it would take a long time to heal, but I seem to be fine.

Uh, accompany Machiavelli through Rome, encountering dangers along the way. Throw the Borgia captain into the scaffold to kill him for full synchronization. Throw the Borgia captain into the scaffold to kill him. Okay, I will try and do that.

[Machiavelli]: Follow me.

I’m a little bit confused about how to.

[Machiavelli]: take care not to draw any undue attention.

Well THAT’S not going to be any fun, if we don’t draw any undue attention. Ooh, clouds! I don’t think that last year…Last year? I guess that was last year. Last time there were clouds that created shadows, that’s pretty cool. Uh, okay, well we’ve got some gua—wha--

Machiavelli, watch out, okay. Okay, I thought you were gonna draw some undue attention there. Ugh.

[Machiavelli]: You would be wise to purchase missing equipment. You will not live long in Roma.

What kind of equipment? Am I missing, I am missing..I have my blade. That’s right.

[Ezio]: I have my blade.

Haha, that's right.
[Machiavelli]: And the guards have their guns, courtesy of the Borgias.

I have my gun too!

[Machiavelli]: Fortunately, I can help.

Oh, do you something for me? What do you have for me? Is this a smoke bomb? MONIES! SWEET!

I mean this guy is probably freaking rich. I know his name, so he must have been famous.

Oh, we’re gonna get some supplies? At the fabbro? 1200 fs!

Buy the stiletto and roman spaulders. I shall. No armor requires repair. Armor…roman spaulders! Yes I am sure that I do. They look awesome on me. And that is what I want. And a stiletto. I’m not really sure what the…I guess I can switch to the stiletto and stab people with it, instead of with other things that I—where did I go??

Where did I go? I disappeared. I’m back. Okay, I’m fine.

[Machiavelli]: Now you can survive the journey back to

I like how they have to translate everything when they talk Italian.

[Ezio]: There will be no peace until we rise up against the entire Borgia family, and the Templars who serve them.

[Machiavelli]: I do not recall such brave talk at Monteriggioni.

Well, what?

[Ezio]: How could I have known that they would find me so quickly?

Yeah! And now, and now my entire life has been destroyed, so.

[Machiavelli]: Roderigo surrounds himself with snakes and murderers.

It’s gonna be great.

[Machiavelli]: Even his daughter Lucrezia has been crafted into one of his most artful weapons.

Lucrezia. Like…LUCREZIA MCEVIL. What are we talking about?

[Machiavelli]: He is ambitious, ruthless, and cruel beyond imagining. The laws of men mean nothing to him.

We have laws? You mean we have laws? Whaat? I’ve murdered everyone.

[Machiavelli]: Those who do not fall to his sword clamor to join his ranks.

This is..I’m not really sure who we’re talking about. Ooh! “F”s!

[Machiavelli]: The king of France stands at his side.

[Ezio]: Give me his name.

[Machiavelli]: Cesare. Head of the papal armies.

Cesare. Okay.

[Ezio]: What does he intend to do with his power? What drives the man?

Sorry about that, I had to get some stuff.

[Machiavelli]: That, I still do not know.


[Machiavelli]: Cesare has set his sights on all of Italia, and at this rate he will have it.

[Ezio]: Is that admiration in your voice?

Well, that’s..

[Machiavelli]: He knows how to exercise his will.

Yes, well that’s…he is Machiavelli after all. I…that’s very Machiavellian of you, Machiavelli. Is that a cat?! Kitty! Is that a kitty? Is that a---kitty, kitty, kitty—it’s not, it’s some bags. They should have cats!

Oh, that was, that’s too bad. I was so excited.

Ooh, forbidden areas? Forbidden areas! I am going to enter the forbidden area. And we know what happens then. What is that?

A thing that I was targeting. Okay, okay.

[Ezio]: Can we not travel by horse? Roma is quite large.

I could be…on a horse.

[Machiavelli]: The Borgia grow in power. They have taken desirable areas of the city for themselves.


[Machiavelli]: We cannot use the stables here.

Oh, it’s off limits.

[Ezio]: The will of the Borgia is law now?

[Machiavelli]: What are you implying?

Haha, you’re a pussy, is what I'm implying!

[Machiavelli]: Do you have some kind of plan?

[Ezio]: I am improvising.

Kill the Borgia captain. Do dee do dee do dee dooo…I’m not walking into the forbidden area or anything! Don’t worry about me. I am totally…I have to grab him and throw him into this..whuh-oh! Uh oh! Uh oh! Oh oh oh, I’m not here! I’m not here! In the shadows, I’m in the shadows, no reason to worry about Ezio. Okay, excellent.

Very assassin of me to hide instead of fighting. And oh! I think I may climb this wall. It must be a drunken wager or something. Ahh, ahh! That would’ve sucked. No, oh, shit. Shit, climb Ezio! Climb, they’re looking at you. You guys mind if I curse during my let’s play videos? Because I do. I do. And I did not mention that when I talk about that on the blog for this channel. But I’m playing video games, it’s very hard not to curse.

Uh, can I see him? Where is he? He’s inside?

[Guard]: I’ve lost sight of him!

What, who? Who’d you lose sight of?

[Guard]: I am losing him!

I’m right next to him. Where the frick is he? Shhh…shit, shit shit shit shit. Trying to do this gracefully, but I’m not succeeding. Oh, there was a door. I missed a door.

Oh, that was. That was embarrassing. I’m gonna land right in front of a guard, and it. Okay. I’m out of the forbidden zone now, going back in the forbidden zone building that the thing, whoop! Do de doo, you can’t see me. You can’t see…you saw me. Aw, jeez. Okay, I’m gonna use my stiletto, because I haven’t used my stiletto yet. Oh, they’re throwing rocks at me! Bastard!

Oh, there’s the captain! There he is! I have to throw him into the scaffold to kill him. Oh hoh!

Okay, what do I use to grab people? What do I use to grab people? WHAT? Ugh, ugh, okay. I don’t know why I’m not dead yet. I am dead. I don’t suck at this game, come on! UGH.

Are we going to have to end today’s episode with me dying? We totally are. Okay, well I died, and I will see you tomorrow, with me NOT dying while killing the Borgia captain. Hard death awesome, and just UGHH I’m gonna kill him. How annoying. Well, I will see you then.