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Uploaded:2014-06-18
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In which John has a message for you. Then, he continues answering Google's most-asked questions starting with "Is it possible to..." The Wimbly Womblys play Charlton Athletic.

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(0:00) Hello and welcome to Hankgames without Hank. My name is John Green. I am the person behind the voice that you know as the manager of the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys, the greatest football team in the history of football teams to be owned by their fans that re-formed in the twenty-first century.

(0:16) So, there's been a bit of a scandal in the Wimbly Womblys support world of late, specifically over me and the team intentionally throwing games. I just want to say for the record that I should not have done this. I think it was a failure by me to, uh, imagine how complexly, uh, we all imagine the Wimbly Womblys, and I- I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it. I should have just gone for automatic promotion.

(0:41) I wanted to create narrative drama, but I created way too much of it and I regret it for reasons that you will see in the next couple weeks. I- I genuinely regret it, but, um, it's all going to be fine, but thank you, uh, for holding me accountable and for reminding me that, uh, these are not just pixels. They are pixels that we collectively make kind of real. It's my favorite thing about the Wimbly Womblys, um, so we're going to get through this bad decision that the team and I made, and we're going to emerge out of it a- a- stronger team with more of a moral compass.

(1:21) Thank you again for watching. This is, like, one of the highlights of my life, the Wimbly Womblys, so thank you for being part of it with me. I apologize again. You guys are truly made of awesome. As we say in my hometown of Nerdfighteria, DFTBA.

(1:38) Hello and welcome to Hankgames without Hank. My name is John Green. I'm the manager of the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys, today taking on Charlton Athletic in a vital game that we must lose. That's right, we must lose! We must lose because it's all part of our master plan of the Wimbly Womblys to get to the playoffs, make it to the playoffs, um, finish third so we can get to the playoffs and make sure that the MK mergh do not go, uh, to the championship. It's an insane thing. We're down the the last three games of the season.

(2:12) We're also in a bit of a weird situation right now because we're tied on points with the team that's in third, but our goal difference is much better than they are, so even though we keep losing, we're still in second, as you can see right there. Barnsley is in third and we're in second. Uh, meanwhile, MK has moved up another slot, so they're definitely going to be in the playoffs, so the only thing that we can do to make absolutely sure- we have three games left so, presumably, uh, they'll get at least one point, but maybe not, so to make absolutely sure, I'm going to make our goal difference worse than their goal difference by scoring nine goals on myself today. I know that's weird, but it's all part of the master plan.

(2:57) If you don't know the master plan, the master plan- the- the top two teams get promoted. The middle four- the next four teams are going to playoff together. MK, the team that used to be us, owned by the- the people who stole, uh, our team from Wimbledon, um, and, uh, and- and- and moved it to Milton Keynes, that team, uh, is- yeah. We need to be in the playoffs with them. It's- it's complicated. Just- you know. If you haven't been watching the show, this seems crazy, whereas if you have been watching the show, this seems crazy.

(3:28) Today, we're going to continue our, uh, weird habit of doing Google Autofill: "Is it possible to...", uh, where we learn about the amazing things that people think it is possible to do. Meredith, what is our next one? "Is it possible to levitate?" No. What is the one after that?

(3:45) "Is it possible to live forever?" Are you kidding me? No, it is not possible to live forever, uh, partly because forever is an incorrect concept. The universe will cease to exist, um, as will everything in it. Uh, it is inherent to the- everything that we know about the universe that it does not last forever.

(4:98) Um, can one of you please score an own goal for the love of God? Get there, get there, get there, get there, focus, focus, yes! Great job. Good stuff. Aw, it- why is it always Seb? It's so hard to score with someone other than Seb. What's next, Meredith?

(4:26) "Is it possible to move things with your mind?" [sigh] I don't know. Maybe. I've never done it. Have you ever done it? No. So, it doesn't seem that likely. Um, no, I think, probably not.

(4:39) What about, like, a really strong pass-back? Nope, that didn't work. Um, come on. Come on. Alright, what's next, Meredith?

(4:48) "Is it possible to not think?" "Is it possible to not think?" (laughing) "Is it-" Um, like, in a meditative sense? Like you're really so- so in a state of- maybe in that sense, but- no, I mean, you don't lose- well, I- I mean, I guess- I was going to say you don't lose consciousness, but then, of course, sometimes, you do.

(5:10) You can do it, little player! Oh, for the love of God! What do I have to do, Charlton? For real, is that world class skill level? I don't think that was world class, sir. You need to put in a better striker. Would you like one of mine? Perhaps you'd like Bald John Green. Um, come on, Charlton. Attack the ball. Attack. Attack the ball! Go in- good lord. Stay away from him. Stay away from him. Ah! Seb, he's too good, Meredith. Um, what's next?

(5:41) "Is it possible to overdose on weed?" I mean, it's possible to become very, very, very intoxicated, but no, I don't think- can't you not die? I've read that. But, uh, anyway, that's- don't get your drug advice from me. I'm not very good at drugs.

(5:56) Um, you can do it! Aw, Seb! Um, what's next, Meredith?

(6:02) "Is it possible to plagiarize yourself?" Kind of. Kind of. I mean, that's more interesting than most of them, like, uh, "Is it possible to live forever?"

(6:10) They just hit the post. Are you freaking kidding me? Take the ball. Take the ball. Take the ball. Take the ball! Go and score. I'm- I'm- I- I- everybody's laying off of you. Just- oh my God.

(6:23) Um, it's kind of possible to plagiarize yourself. There's this thing called, um, "self-plagiarism". Um, it's essentially, uh- you can do it! Score. Score. Score. Argh, dang it. Um, you know, where you take something that was published in one book that- that- that, you know, like, the rights are owned by, um, by the publisher or whatever and then you repurpose it.

(6:47) Yay! Congratulations! The Church is finally able to score on us in the thirty-third minute. Um, it is possible, um, but, you know, like Jonah Lehrer got in a lot of trouble for essentially, like, repeating a bunch of stuff from previous books, but then it turned out he also plagiarized other people, which is much more scandalous.

(7:07) Alright, back off the ball. Back off the ball, guys. Back off. Back off. Let them go. Let them have their way. Come on- back away. Back away. Back away. Come on. Yeah- aw, Seb. He's too good. He's too good, Meredith. Still only two-nil. It's not a good sign. Now, we're going to have to get serious here. Aw, but you know who can always put it to the back of the net? Seb Brown. When you ask him to perform a job, he performs it with grace and heroism. I really appreciate it, Seb. Good job. Uh, what's next?

(7:42)"Is it possib-"to quit drinking? What, what? "Is it possible to quit drinking cold turkey?" Yes. Um, yeah. I know lots of people who've done that. Um, uh, but, I mean, for people with- with drinking problems, I think it's always best to get- um, you know, professional help, um, whether it's from Alcoholics Anonymous or from a counselor so that you know what you're doing.

(8:05) Aw! Seb. You know, Seb just doesn't like to give up goals even when he desperately wants to lose the game. I mean, look at some of this goalkeeping that he's been doing. It's so beautiful. I mean, the guy's- he's like some kind of genius, but he's also like an evil genius. Come- take the ball from me. Please take the ball- really? Oh, 'cause you're winning. Yes, you can do it. I believe in you. This time, surely. Yes! It's a fantastic finish from Azeez! I want him on my team. I want him desperately. His name is Azeez. Aw, that's a beautiful, beautiful finish. Alright, that's- that's obviously the way to get these goals in- into the net, so let's- come on. Come on, take the ball off me. Take the ball off me. Seriously? Do you just not- do you just not love your country? Do you not- are you not- play for- play with some- play with some passion! Come on! It's impossible- it's impossible to get them- there we go. You can do it. You can do it. I believe in you. Azeez! Ugh. It's so hard to get them to score eight goals in a game. Meredith, what's next?

(9:12) "Is it possible to read minds?" I mean, there is some evidence that, uh, there's like, non- there is some evidence of nonverbal communication between humans, right? I don't actually know the answer to that, but I think there is. I don't know. I'm not an expert in the field. Um, I don't know. Maybe. Is- what- wait, wait, wait. Think of a number between one and ten. Let's really try this, because Meredith and I, we've worked together a lot over the years. I don't want to be presumptuous, but I consider you a friend. She doesn't consider me a friend. Um, that's awkward. It's awkward now. It's awkward now. She was- she was- she- she- she said that she considered me a- a mentor and one whom she values very much. She didn't actually say that, either. Um, uh, I'm just a guy who cuts her paychecks. Um, then, she just reminded me that Stan cuts the paychecks, actually.

(10:01) Alright, um, we've got some tired players and that's risky, so I'm going to do the smart thing and I'm going to bring Glédson in, a second goalkeeper. Uh, he's going to play defense. Um, then, I'm going to do something totally crazy. Uh, I feel that Seb Brown has been performing way, way, way too well, so I'm going to switch him with John Green. I can't substitute an outfield player for a goalkeeper? Well- well, I mean what's even the point of playing the game, then? I don't understand. Why would I even bother? Alright, I'm going to take K. Sainte-Luce out. I'm going to bring on Kaz and B. Arthur. That's what this game needs: hot slice of B. Arthur.

(10:35) Um, um, are- are- are you really focused on your number between one and ten? Are you super focused on it? Do you know exactly what it is? Is it seven? Dang it! What was it? I was close. It was six. I was really close. The chances that I would get the number or be within one of the number were- were thirty per cent, and I did it. I did it. Um, alright, I'm going to think of a number really, really, really, really hard, Meredith. It's between one and fifty, okay? And I'm thinking of it really hard. What is it? It was twenty-seven. You were within six. That is insane. That is insane. Maybe there is communication- non-verbal communication between people. Maybe- maybe we can read minds. Um, okay, what's next?

(11:25) "Is it possible to sneeze with your eyes open?" I don't know but I am fascinated by that question, so, Meredith, can you Google the answer while I, um, desperately attempt to let them score? What a great move, and it's finished! Congratulations to Evina! It's a beautiful goal... (recording cuts out)

(11:43) can only hope to contain him. Seb Brown, he's dispossessed. He's dispossessed. (pause) It's possible to sneeze with your eyes open? Really? (pause) That's fantastic! That's great! I'm so excited!

(12:01) Aw, God, look at Seb. He just is relentless. Okay. They've got a nice free kick. Is there any way we can get fewer people in the wall? I don't know how to- I don't know how to decrease the quality of a wall. Um, but I'm just going to- yeah- ugh, guys, you can do it. Get in on target. Get it on target! Ugh, my wall! Oh, but there's a great - aw, it's a great finish, great finish. Good job. Good job, Charlton! Great stuff. Six nil, we only need to give up two more goals. Well, I think three to be safe. But yeah, this has been a- it's been a very entertaining game, here. Hopefully, our- the team in third, Barnsley, hasn't also gone ahead and lost by eight, because then this will have all been for nothing! Um... Meredith, what's my next question?

(12:49) "Is it possible to travel at the speed of light?" Um, it's possible for light! (laughs) to travel at the speed of light. It is not possible for people, no. At least not- no. No. I mean, we don't think so, right? I don't know. But you can sneeze with your eyes open?! How?! I mean, do you have to mechanically open them? Oh, Bald John Green! Ohhh, Bald John Green almost scored an accidental goal there, just because sometimes I can't resist the urge to come forward. Um... Yeah. Just, I- I just say to myself "it's go time!" Speaking of go time, I just feel like now would be a great moment for a goal. Oh, oh, ooooh! Haha, it happened. Don't get mad, Seb! Don't- hey, nobody get mad at Seb! He's executing the plan! What's next?

(13:36) "Is it possible to un-shrink clothes?" God, I don't think so! Is it? That would be amazing! My whole life would change! Is it possible to un-shrink clothes? Have we just discovered the greatest life hack of all time?! Google it. I'm so excited! Can you really un-shrink clothes? Based on everything about the other questions, I know that these people wouldn't ask it if it weren't possible.

(14:00) What a fantastic own goal from Seb Brown, by the way. Just cool as the other side of the pillow. Let's take another look at that one because that was a beauty. Bald John Green just went over and congratulated him. I mean that's one- that's an own goal for the ages! Woop! Just like a nice little- and then he's like "ah, why did I do-" whoop! Ohhh, that's a- God, I love a good back-heeled goal! Just didn't know how much- I think we should do nine, just to be absolutely safe.

(14:26) You can?! You can un-shrink clothes?! Oh, it's a long process. It's not like a cool, easy, fun thing to do on a Tuesday. Hmm. That's a bummer. That's a bummer. Alright. Well, turns out you can un-shrink clothes, but it's not like fun and easy. Alright, Seb Brown is gonna go adventuring, because that's who he is! He's an adventurer! (hums) do do do, do do do, do do do do, do do do! (sings a hum)

(14:59) Come on guys! Come on! I mean, I have never seen a team worse at scoring than- than Charlton Athletic. I mean, I have desperately tried to lose this game by double digits, and somehow i managed to not have succeeded thus far. But it's okay. I believe- you know who I believe in, above all? John Green. That guy is an incredible finisher. If anybody can do it, it's John Green! It's John Green! John, I need you to find a way to deke Seb Brown. Aw, Seb is too good! (inhales sharply) I just want someone other than John- someone other than Seb to score an own goal. I feel like all of the pressure's been on Seb. But whatever, he's going to do it because he loves his country.

(15:39) What's the last one? "Is it possible to vape too much?" Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Vaping is not that good for you. What's next? By "not that good for you", I mean don't vape. "Is it possible to walk on water?" For Jesus, but no, I don't think for regulars. What's next?

(16:01) "Is it possible to x-ray pictures?" Oh, I think that's a- uh, that's a dirty thing. Yeah, that's people who try to like, yeah. No, it's alright. I think it is! I don't know enough-

(16:14) we lost! We did it! I mean, goal- heroic, heroic six own goal performance from the great Seb Brown, who will be remembered and hailed when we go up to the championship and our hated rivals do not. Thank you for watching. Best wishes.