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In which John takes Buzzfeed's "Who Will You Be In Your Next Life?" quiz. The Wimbly Womblys play Bradford City.

The quiz: http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinchack/who-will-you-be-in-your-next-life

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Hello and welcome to hankgames without Hank. My name is John Green. I'm the manager of the AFC Wimbly Womblys, whose insanities continue as we attempt to lose our final game of the season so that we can ensure that we are not in the top two spots of League 1 and thereby ensure that that team which shall not be named does not go up to the championship.

If you don't know what's going on, I'm losing games on purpose because the team that stole Wimbledon away from us, um, or Wimbledon AFC away from us, but only for a moment because we reformed our team from the ashes and look, look, look at what we have wrought. 

Anyway, long story short, we have to lose. It's very complicated. 

Today I'm going to take a quiz about what I'm going to be in my next life, or who. Is it what or who?

Look at that, we're in third, right where we want to be, thanks to our hard-working goal difference of only 34 goals. We gotta stay right there, which means that we gotta lose today's game. Today's the last game of the season.

Also, quick acknowledgement that it is the last game for Lizzie Bennet, who is retiring. She has chosen to retire from this wonderful team. She wanted to go out as a swoodly- uh, I mean, oh gosh, that's 250 dollars to AFC Wimbledon. She wanted to go out as a Wimbly Wombly, and so she shall. She's 35 years old, you know, not young anymore, and it's the decision she made. Tried to keep her on for another year, but she wasn't having any of it.

Also, congratulations in advance to our opponents today, um, bird? Burned? Birdly? Burge? The bridge? The bridge over troubled waters? Congratulations to them in advance on their astonishing victory over mighty AFC Wimbledon. 

I think the first goal is gonna be scored by Seb Brown who just can't get enough, aw, look at him clear the ball off the line, it's beautiful.

Meredith, what's my first question in this quiz about who I'm gonna be in my next life? Is it who or what? Aw, dang it. Choose a futuristic mode- futuristic mode of transportation. Well, I like- I've always enjoyed the program- have you seen that documentary, the Jetsons about life in the future? It's very good. It's compelling. Any kind of sort of small, base aircraft, anything involving Star Trek, Star Wars, something in that category. I like to travel through space at speeds faster than light. Is that reasonable? Can you work with that?

Alright, Meredith's just figuring out which of the multiple choice answers to pick from the options available to her.

Come on, you can steal that ball! You're better than that. Oh, Lizzie Bennet, she's just too good on the ball. Even when she wants to lose, she can't lose. There's something about this team that's just got so much hussle.

Alright, what's next? Choose an inevitable fashion trend? Is capri pants there? Remember when capri pants happened? I remember when capri pants happened. Do you remember that, Meredith, or are you too young? Anyway, capri pants happened a few years ago, and I remember, like, being at the, uh, at the movies with Sarah. We were dating, we weren't married yet, and she was wearing capri pants and I was just like, "I think this might pass, Sarah, like, I think the capri pants moment, you know, might end." And she was like, "No, never!" Six weeks later, no more capri pants. 

Oh! Ugh! Ugh! Ya Bamba, he was like, I know I can't score, but I want to. Oh, that was actually B. Arthur. 

What's my next question, Meredith? What is the most horrifying dystopian future? Is it like Hunger Games, Divergent, is it based on actual ones, or is it just random ones? Random. I'm gonna choose, I mean, to me, the worst possible dystopian future is, like, a Hunger Games-style, you know, enemy of the state, like, just like, control-of-the-state-type stuff, like, there is no- there is no human left anymore in humanity because the state has become so incredibly powerful. But that makes me sound like a libertarian, which I'm not. I love the state. I'm a big fan of the state.

Oh, a fantastic goal for the Bridge Over Troubled Water team wearing yellow and red. It was a beauty! Let's see it again. Nothing Seb Brown could do about that, admittedly, he didn't want to stop it, but even if he had wanted to stop it, he couldn't have. 

Did that answer your question adequately? Alright, what's the next one? Who's gonna run the world in the future? The children. I believe the children are our future. No, I, uh, you know, I think, um, I think people, I mean, the truth is this is probably not- this is probably not good for the quiz, but I think the actual people who are gonna be really important to the future are people who live outside of Europe and the United States, like, I think that, you know, the sort of- the age of people only having any kind of political agency if they are, uh, or like social or economic agency if they live in Europe or the U.S. or in Australia or whatever, the west is passing. So, and that's good news. That's, I mean, you know, bad for you, Meredith. But, you know, I'm old already, so I'm covered. But yeah, that's what I actually think. What- give me some options, though, I mean, did I miss- did I miss the question? You chose those who were once weak, which was an excellent choice. I do think that, though. I do think that, that the age of, like, power being able to conserve itself infinitely is kind of coming to an end. I think. I hope. But that might be- that might be just optimistic on my part.

What's next? What new holiday am I most looking forward to? Is Festivus on the list? Saint Beyoncé Day. Obviously it's gotta be Saint Beyoncé Day. I am a massive- for those of you who don't know- massive fan of Beyoncé. Lots of people talking about this business, some kind of private argument within a family that occurred in a private space and I don't think that we should speculate about things that occur in private, even with celebrities. I think it's so weird and so sad that you can't even have, you know, you can't even have whatever your real life is in an elevator. So, yeah. I'm not even gonna comment on that. I'm a massive, as you know Meredith, massive, massive Beyoncé fan. Not just the music, but the person, like, like, the way she runs her life, the way she runs her business, the sort of- the way she, you know, like, the way she's a mom, and also, but also very professional and like, I just, I'm a huge Beyoncé admirer.

What's next? What issue do we not give enough attention to? Well, I mean, first off, I would say the plight of lower league football clubs, when the English F.A. decides that it is not in the wider interest of football for them to exist. I feel like that's something that we haven't discussed enough culturally. But I am covering it here on the Wimbly Womblys quite a bit.

Um, no- OH! We can't stop and we won't stop! In is final game as a Wimbly Wombly! It's Lizzie Bennet! Her final game, excuse me. In her final game as a Wimbly Wombly. It's Lizzie Bennet! Hero to the club. Such a servant, a servant to her club for more than a decade now, Lizzie Bennet with a fantastic goal to say goodbye to the Wimbly Womblys. I mean, Meredith, could you draw it up any more beautifully. It's almost like I write these narratives and then I just execute them on the football pitch. It was gorgeous. Oh, look at that. It's such a- it wasn't even a particularly good finish, but- and then there was no celebration because, just overwhelmed with joy.

Don't- let's not forget that we still have to lose. Oh, wait- wait, Meredith. Are we in the playoffs right now? Is this the playoffs? Now I don't know if we need to lose or maybe we desperately need to win. I'm gonna try to tie. I'm gonna try to tie. No, but then we- no- gah! Ah! Meredith! I feel that this is your fault for not keeping good track of the schedule. Uh... mm... mm. Cause I haven't seen any other scores, and that makes me think that maybe this is the playoffs. Whatever. If it's the playoffs, I think it's home and away, so we'll be fine, we're just gonna lose by one, and then we'll just have to make sure that we win by two in the other game. Everything will be fine, Meredith. Don't- I don't know why you're so concerned.

Oh, there's lots of games going on. Everything is fine. I'm such a panicker. I'm such a worrier person. I spend a lot of my time worrying. Is that in this? I feel that we don't spend enough time as a community talking about the problems of anxiety. How did I get so anxious about a Wimbly Wombly game just now? What is wrong with me? I actually know what's wrong with me. 

I think the biggest problem that we don't talk about is climate change. Polar bears, yes, I guess polar bears. I wouldn't exactly say that in that context, but yes, about polar bears. 

What is my job? Well, I used to be a semi-professional FIFA player, but now I'm retired. And I'm just- and I just do that for the love of the game. But I guess my job is novelist and video blogger?

Get in there, Fundingsrud! Ugh. Brutal, brutal, brutal own goal by Seb Brown, you know he didn't want to do it. Aw, he's just devastated. I'm only gonna lose by one, though. Wait, wait, no, my goal difference could get worse. What if their goal difference gets worse and they lose? Now I've gotta lose by a bunch just to be sure.

Great goal, Seb Brown. Beauty. Beauty! 

What's the next question? Did I answer that one? My job. You know my job. What will be the end of humanity? I'm a big believer in that great, uh, that great line from that T. S. Eliot poem: "This is how the world ends/Not with a bang but with a whimper". I don't think that it's gonna be, um, I mean, I think there will be kind of like a series of dramatic events, like if you think about, like, a bunch of mini strokes leading up to a devastating stroke kind of thing, like I think there will be a series of, you know, catastrophic events. Is this like what will be the end of humanity, you know, like, Jay-Z and Beyoncé breaking up, or is this a serious question? Oh, it's a serious question. Yeah, that's how I think it'll end. Like a series of small, catastrophic events. Is that not on the list? I mean, a mix of, a nice mix of, like, is, uh, is disease on the list? 'Cause I think it'll be a nice mix of disease and war. Yeah. You know, with fewer...

Anyway, great, these are beautiful own goals by our hero Seb Brown, and, uh, we just love him so much.

What's next? The best part of living in the future? I mean, I'm worried about- I'm more worried about the terrible parts of living in the future, like, oh, that's the next question, okay, good. I have a lot of answers for that. The best part of living in the future- I- you know, it's a good question. I think that we have a reas-

Oh! Ugh. Green eggs and Sheringham. A bit disappointing.

I think we have a reasonably good chance in the future of leading longer, healthier lives and I think that there will be less poverty and more equality, so like less, like, fewer, fewer, like, less absolute poverty, more equality. Is that on the list? No, not really. Give me some options. Calorie-free food. That's- no. That's ridiculous. Self-cleaning houses? I'm interested! That's really- people think that's gonna be the best part of the future? I feel like these people just aren't taking this quiz seriously enough. It's almost like it's not a real thing. 

What's next? The worst part of the future. I'm really worried about antibiotic resistance and then also about, sort of, like, resource- resource distribution becoming complicated. But mostly impacts from climate change. Like, I think adjusting to climate change is going to be very difficult and I think people of the future are going to be very resentful of us. So if there's a polar bears option, go polar bears. By the way, this is a multiple choice quiz, for those of you who have made it 73 minutes into the video and don't know.

Oh no! Just- I like how we heroically defended that as if we aren't trying to give up goals. 

Yeah, what's next? What part of history are we doomed to repeat? The cycle of violence. We're doomed to repeat violence. It sucks, but it seems- it truly seems inevitable and irreversible, at least from what I can tell.

They have a Kennedy too- yeah. Do you want him too? Alright, she's into him. She wants me to- Meredith, as the assistant coach, Meredith has announced her interest in acquiring the services of Bridge Over Troubled Water keeper, or midfielder something something Kennedy and his hideous hair. 

Ugh. I can't stop myself from trying to score in that situation, but fortunately, we have some terrible non-John Green strikers on our team, so no problem. 

Alright, what's next, Meredith? Last one. Am I a good person? No. I mean, I don't know, Meredith, what do you think, and be honest. Well, but bear in mind that- you have to bear in mind that Meredith kind of works for me indirectly, so it's hard for her to say that I'm not a good person, cause she knows that she would get in trouble. You wouldn't, actually, I would admire you for saying that I'm not a good person. The options are, like, yes, no, and then you can be the best. I'm not- I'm not the best. Is there like a mid-range where, like, I think I'm alright, but I'm not that fantastic?

That was a nasty tackle. I apologize to the Bridge Over Troubled Water yellow-and-reds for that, that kind of dirty tackle there. 

Do I get to find out who I am now? Who am I gonna be in a future life? I'm gonna be a social activist?

I deserve that yellow card. You're right. I did. I did. Just when we were talking about what a good person I was, I went in really low on one of the Bridge Over Troubled Water players and hurt their feelings and their legs.

Oh, that's a nice pass. My God, that was a beautiful pass. And it was all for nothing because we have the finishing power of- I'm not going to finish that sentence for the sake of the younger people in the audience. 

So, I'm gonna be a social activist? But, I mean, in a future life? What about in this life? I kind of want to be a social activist in this life. I think being a social activist is quite noble. Can I be a social activist now? Isn't some of my work sort of social activist-y? What did you pick for my career, by the way? What did you pick for my job, do you remember? Oh, you said doing what I love? Like, yeah. I mean, I do. I'm not gonna lie. I love- I love playing FIFA and supporting AFC Wimbledon, the greatest football club, owned by its fans. Owned by you, its supporters. 

So today, ladies and gentlemen, the game hath ended, and we- Oh, it's Bradford City, not Bridge over Troubled Water. We came- uh, we came out five one down, thanks to four heroic own goals by Seb Brown. Good job, Seb. And, uh, we got a goal by Lizzie Bennet, in her final game as a Wimbly Wombly. Oh, it's a big day, I really really hope that wasn't the first game of the playoffs. I'll let you know soon! Best wishes.