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Last sync:2022-11-07 01:15
In which Hank hangs out with Lucy in the caves, makes an inappropriate joke and starts setting up the rebellion's impromptu base in the basement of the Auditore Villa.
Hank: I'm back, and I've gotta flip a switch. So last- when we last left off, we were in this cavern, with, in real-time, in the actual villi- villa of the Auditores, uh, which has apparently fallen into disrepair. Which is unlikely, but, you never know.

  Hold any button, and uh Katie Bell and I- I call her Katie Bell. I know that it's not her name. Katie Bell and I are here and we have to try and find our way in so we're doing stuff, and I-

  (game sound effects)

  Ah, sweet. That- this- ah, not gonna pretend like this makes sense. Okay he- why can she do that?

  Katie: Come over here.

  Hank: What? No one has explained to me- how come Katie Bell-


  Hank: What, what... I did miss- Did I miss something? What did I miss? What are you doing? What am I doing? Should I- What should I be doing?

  Okay, that wasn't it. Nope, nope, already did that. Okay, already- whoops! Okay. Uh maybe-

  Desmond: Man, it's freezing.

  Katie: Stop whining.

  Desmond: That's easy for you to say, 

Hank: Okay, that's-
  you aren't swimming in medieval toxic waste.

  Hank: Probably what-Apparently  that's what I was supposed to be doing. That's good. And...
  Desmond: I smell terrible.

  Katie: You're exaggerating.

  Hank: (laughter) I don't exaggerate, I'm an assassin. What're we doing? What's this? This already? Oh my God. Thi- This? This here? Climbing up this, that looks promising. Promising... And a little bit of that! Nice!

  Katie: Remember, this is the time of your life.

  Desmond: Yeah yeah.

  Hank: (singing) And shake your rat dap dap dap dunna dunna dunna this, and danna danna that, and jump jump jump and (nonsense), hang and then I fall down on the switch thing, and I push it, for Katie Bell. 

  (Humming). (Singing) Oh, the switch thing, I pull the switch thing, and she goes there. (?~2:00). 

  That was dumb. Oh, wha- bu- oh, okay. Okay. And, and- switch thing. What's- oh, I need my friend. Hello honey, hello. We doing the thing and, ah, shiz. (Nonsense).

 (Sound effects)

  Hank: Wha- What? Oh, okay, They're ghosts, it's the ghosts. I forgot about the ghosts, and was confused for a second. 

  Now explain to me why she can do all of the things that I can't.

  (Shouting, wailing)

  Hank: Oh, dang that- I missed it, but it looked bad.
  Like, if I was this girl, I wouldn't be like, 'I'll just hop'. No, no, no, no, I- Was she an assassin at one point? That's the only explanation for that.

  Desmond: We can't jump this.

  Katie: I have an idea, 

Hank: Can't jump something?

   you'll have to help me. Stand at the edge, and get ready.

  Hank: What, no. Uh, are we- are- Do you have...?

  Desmond: Ready.

  Hank: You have- She has- She's a gymnast. Gymnasty! Gym- Gymnastosis.

  Katie: Made it. Le'me see...

  Desmond: Oh you go on ahead. I'll just stay here to die in the dark like a bat.

  Hank: Gymnastoplast! He he- Oh! That's a- Can I jump onto that? I can do that. That's no problem. Thanks.

  Katie: Jump across.

  Hank: Thank you. Nice work. Thank you Sarah Marshall. I got it. This was so easy. 

  Gimme a kiss, gimme a kiss. Gimme a kiss. Gimme a kiss! That's not what I meant to have happen.

  Ghosts: I have found an entrance.

  Hank: Oh God, they're from the past and the future at the same time.

  Desmond: You'd think they'd need to leave sometime. (?~3:52)

  Katie: But they don't.

  Desmond:  Well, life is full of disappointments.

  Hank: Really? You sure that they don't- they don't need- what more do they- I have to- I have to solve a puzzle. Really? Are you going to make me solve a puzzle?

  I punch it! Punch the door, punch the door, punch the- Punch the Katie Bell.

  That's good that I can't do that, okay, good, tested that out. Not possible to punch my girlfriend. Okay, not my girlfriend, she's not my girlfriend. What's her name- Sphorsay(?~4:22) is my girlfriend.

  What, she just jumped? That's sick! That feels dangerous, man. I'm just bop, bop, boppity boppin', bobbin' across the things. Bippity boppity boop bop, (etc)

  What, what, um, where am I going? Katie Bell's over there. Do I have to get over the- oh, oh, geezee creezy. Okay, okay. I assume that I'm doing the right thing here. This looks promising. This looks like it was almost built to get over there.

  Katie: I'll wait here.

  Desmond: Good. Let me just go get that bridge down for you.

  Katie: I did the last one.

  Desmond: And I'm sure that will be your last one.

  Katie: Ha ha, very funny.

  Hank: 'Ha ha very funny'. Which way should I go? There's two ways. I guess I should go this way. Oh- Oof. I thought I was going to die just then. But I only fell three feet. Okay good.
  Um, it appears... As if that's another place for me to throw Katie Bell. And that is not good. I need her.


 So this was the correct way to go. I was wrong. I admit it. I have no problems being wrong. 

  Fart knocker. What the frick. Okay. Probably people are like 'Does Hank really say fart knocker?' Yes, he does! Hank says fart knocker.

  Desmond: Got it!

  Hank: Hank is from the 80s.

  Katie: Thank you, Desmond.

  Hank: Alright, Miss Katrina Bell. Hoppity, hippity hop.
(Nonsense) And, uh, yeah, this is... This is less exciting for you I think.

  Katie: Now it's my turn!

  Hank: Go! Ha ha ha he he- I will have two of you. .

  Katie: There.

  Hank: Oh man.

  Desmond: Thanks. It's a start.

  Hank: Yes. It is a start. I'm glad that they built so many of those.
  Katie: You're magic.
  Hank: What- I- Did you just call me magic? I wasn't listening. I'm sorry.
  What am I doing? How far down is this thing? Let go. Just let go. You're right- You're on the bottom of this thing. Okay. That's embarrassing.

  Ooh, that's a- that's deep. Don't fall- No it's not that deep, but I can hop that. I can hop this, and I can hop this, and I can hop this, and it's just- It's mostly hopping. This game is mostly about hopping.

  Okay, you can do it. That did not make physical sense. Is there a toe line or something? Zip strip? Where am I going? Climb. Climbing- climbing is not particularly exciting.

  What else can I talk about while I'm climbing? Not much going on right now. I can talk about physics, and gravity, and Newtonian waves- Are not a thing. Newtonian figs. (laughs)
  Ha ha- that made me laugh. Did I do that- Did I do that right?

  Desmond: There you go.
  Hank: It's an elevator. Why was she just standing on it? You are an impressive specimen of female-ness.

  Katie: Thanks. We make a good team.

  Hank: Yes ma'am. You are literally half my size. I could fit two of you in me. But how many of me could I- Well... I didn't say that.

  Another one of these. That- I feel- I feel like we should have practised a couple of times before trying it.

  Katie: Come on let's go.

  Hank: Uh- Maybe padding. Somewhere with padding.

  Okay, eight minutes into this. Eight minutes into this episode, and, and I feel like we're a lot higher up-

  Katie: I can see the sanctuary.

  Hank: You can see the sanctuary? You can? Sweet. We made it, Katie Bell. Together. And it's dark- It's dark in the sanctuary.

  And I am- whoo, that's- That is... Pretty intense. Pretty intense. This is me, walking intense-

  I feel like I'm Eminem. (Beat boxing) That was not good Eminem. That was not good rapping. I was trying to think of an Eminem song. Failed.

  (Singing) Guess who's back. Back again. Shady's back. Hello friend. Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who back.

  It's Ezio's' back. They've created a monster. Nobody wants to see monsters, they want Shady and Chavo.(?~9:08)

  Desmond: So old.

  Hank: So old?

  Desmond: Ezio must have come back here way after the attack.

  Hank: Oh, he was old.

  Desmond: But why?

  Katie: Desmond.

  Hank: You're remembering that?

  Desmond: Alright, let's open that door.
  Hank: Why can't you just remember these things? Let's go! Do it! Do it! Check point reached.

  You can't jump over that wall? After all the jumping over of walls you've done. You can't jump over that one. That is just embarrassing.

  Into the villa. Wait- Wait, isn't that where we wanted to be? Down there? Doesn't that make sense? Oh we have to get our friends. Adrian Stone and dickhead (?~9:45) are up here still.

  Katie: Try using that special sight you learned from (?~9:49)
  Hank: Yep yep yep.

  Desmond: There's something here.

  Hank: 1- 1-4-1-9.

  Male character: Can you open the damn bookcase Desmond?

  Hank: Fourteen, nineteen, fourteen twenty fourteen twenty-one. Nineteen twenty- fourteen... Dates? I don't understand. Is there a keypad? I don't under- I don't understand.
  Uh, any button. I pushed it... Why did I look over this?(?~10:25) What was the point of that? I remember-

  Female character: You guys did it.

  Hank: 'Sup baby.

  Male: About time.

  Hank: 'Sup dickhead.

  Male: What's that?

  Desmond: Looks like something Ezio left behind. There are numbers underneath it.

  Hank: 14 19-

  Desmond: 14 19, 14 20, 14 21.

  Hank: The bleeding.

  Katie: Maybe you should lie down for a bit.

  Hank: The bleeding. It's bleeding in my brain. I'm sure they'll never look for us here.
  Female: Someone built this place to last. No signs of structural damage. No cell signal either. Should be safe to set up, let's get the Animus down here.

  Hank: I know, because I am a building inspector in my spare time. And also I work for Verizon. Do- I do both of them. I do all of that.
  That is my checkpoint, I have reached it, and I am now going to end this commentary video.

  Thank you all so very much for being with me for it.

  Oh and we're setting up shop in the basement, that is so cool. It's, like, come full circle man. Yes!

  Katie: Okay, everything's here. John, hide the van in town. Make sure you aren't followed.

  Male: What is that smell?

  Desmond: It's my clothes.

  Male: You smell like you swam through a sewer.

  Hank: I did swim through a sewer, that's funny that you mentioned it.

  Female: Wait a second guys, we need power down here. There's a line running nearby I can hook into.(?~11:41)

  Hank: You didn't think about that? That was you first thought, you just thought about the fact that you need power.

  Male: Oh yeah, cool. Anything else, some caviar perhaps, you'd like me to knit you a lovely hat? No, fine.

  Hank: I want you to go, dickhead, somewhere else. Pause, can I pause now? I can. I'm gonna pause here.

  Uh, as we set up our sweet, sweet little institution, in a basement of the Auditory villa, which is apparently abandoned somewhere in Italy, and I will see you the next time I make one of these videos.