Previously on Beer and Board Games

Help wanted.  I need five gallons of fresh blood. 

I'm at a biker barbecue.  

You're at a barbecue.

There's--there's blood flowing.  There's--it's happening.  There are open wounds.  There.

What kind of barbecues have you gone to?

You're at a biker--uh, the biker kind.

And now...

Aaron: Do you like PBR, 'cause you can have PBR.  

John: Well, I do, I love PBR, but apparently this is a show about fancy beer and excellent board games.  I thought that it was a show about like, kinda crappy beer and crappy board games.  

I didn't know you'd be this much of a handful this early in the evening.

John: Oh, God, I have very high standards.  Listen, it's not like at last year's VidCon, where I wasn't a big deal. 

Matt: Hello everyone, welcome to Beer and Board Games, we're here live at VidCon in California.  Whooo.

Everyone: Whoooooo

Matt: And we're gonna be playing Rodney Dangerfield's game, No Respect. 

(?0:59)

Matt: Part of the proceeds of tonight's show for whatever money we raise is going to Project for Awesome.

Matt: Which is John Green's charity.

John: Oh, hey, that's so nice, guys.  Thank you, so please donate, because the Project for Awesome doesn't just buy beer and horrible board games, it also saves the lives of actual people.

Matt: We're doing something for your charity.  Can you ease up a little bit?

John: No, I can't, I can't.  But yeah, no, thank you for giving these guys a job, because otherwise they'd be bothering me for work, but I do wanna say the Project for Awesome does great work, we're very proud of it, so if you want to have a say in what happens in global poverty and health outreach, then donate or give money and they're gonna give--I'm sure it's gonna work out to like, half of a percent, to the Project for Awesome, and that's great, we're so grateful for your .30. 

Matt: We all know the comedy of Rodney Dangerfield, we know how much it has to do with ascending sequences of numbers. 

That's exactly what the No Respect game is all about.  But before we get to that, how about some beer? 

John: Thank you.

(?-2:15)

Matt: We don't have our beer wench right now, he's back at home.

John: Budget cuts.  To the memory of the great Rodney Dangerfield.

All: Yeah!

Aaron: My memory gets the respect, but I don't.

Matt: That's worse than mine.

Aaron: Tonight, we're drinking Goose Island Honker's Ale that has malts and hops and things in it.

Matt: As informative as usual.  What do we taste in this beer, guys?  What do you think?

Colin: Goose.  Little bit of goose.

Matt: I'm getting like, spices.  I'm getting, like, different kind of spice flavors coming out.

John: (?-2:51) It's got a little hop to it though.

Matt: It's balanced though.  Both of the games that we're playing tonight were provided by this guy right here, Colin Hickey, the sponsor of tonight's show.

John: I wonder if we have anybody who does a terrible Rodney Dangerfield impersonation.

Matt: I bet we have six people. 

Colin: I think we're gonna hear them all night long.

Matt: This is a four player game, we have six people, so I propose that some of us are in--or play as a team.  

John: Yeah.

Matt: You guys seem like an obvious choice.

John: Yeah.

Matt: Do you guys wanna be on another team?

Aaron: Yeah, we'll be on a team.

Matt: And then Colin and I'll fly solo.  Let's take all of the numbered discs and put them in the middle here.

Greg: Numbered discs.  Numbered discs.

All: Numbered discs.  Numbered discs.  Numbered discs.

John: Can we comment on the quality of the discs? 

Matt: I was hoping you would.

Greg: It feels like if we were to open a window, these would just fly off the table.

Matt: You've got three lines of diamond circles here.  You're gonna draw a number--you want a series of numbers that go from highest to lowest. 

Greg: Oh, just like Rodney Dangerfield's routine.

Matt: Yeah, exactly.

Greg: My wife told me the other day, she said, eight, four, three, one. 

Matt: Another thing you can do is you can stack and you can cap. 

Say if these guys have a six, and I draw a six, I can put my six on top of their six.  If somebody else puts a third six on there, that's called capping, and then they can't put any numbers after that cap.  You've cock-blocked them. 

Colin: Some strategy.

Matt: If you draw a tile and you can't put it anywhere, then you're out of the game.  The winner of the game is the first person to fill out the things or just to survive.

John: Is there a moment where it's gonna connect to the work of Rodney Dangerfield?

Matt: His picture is on the board.

?: Wow.   Yeah.

Greg: I bet you that Rodney Dangerfield made tens of dollars off this game.

Matt: I bet you that when someone went to (?-4:36) Rodney Dangerfield and said we have this board game that we want you to endorse, he was like, okay. 

John: There are Rodney Dangerfield jokes here.

Matt: Oh, give us one.

Sarah: Oh.

John: No respect.  Every time I leave the house, my wife tells me to call her in case something goes right. 

Greg: Nine, seven, two, one. 

Colin: I got a 1!

John: Worst start, it's the worst possible start.

Colin: Well, I'm gonna put it in my discard.

Matt: Yeah.

Colin: 'Cause I have to.

Matt: Let's see what (?-5:03) draws here.  I got a 1 as well. 

Colin: Wah-wah-wah.

Matt: Oh, the respect is bereft of us. 

Greg: Five. 

Matt: That's not terrible, but it's not great.

(?-5:15)

Sarah: Three.

John: Three. 

Sarah: Still not great.

John: I think we have to discard our three, I think that we are required to.

Sarah: You think so?

John: Three, two, one.  We won't get higher.

Sarah: Yeah, yeah.

John: Is there a zero?

Matt: There is no zero.

John: Typical Dangerfield, failing to acknowledge the existence of null. 

Aaron: I'm gonna ruminate about Rodney Dangerfield a little bit.

Matt: Ruminate away.

Aaron: His classic joke is usually about his wife having no respect for him.

Matt: No, it's usually about himself not getting respect from various sources.

?: From various sources.

John: Usually his wife, usually the wife.

Aaron: I saw my wife talking to some dog turds sitting on the lawn, and I said, "Why are you talkin' to the dog turds?" and she was like, "I thought it was you, blurp."

Matt: That's a little more absurdist than he intends to get.

Aaron: Yeah, well, I'm exaggerating.

Colin: And he usually ends it with 'blurp'.

John: I don't know why No Respect is the game's tagline when it should have been Blurp.

Matt: I really prefer his absurdist comedy, though.  Like, "Hey, yesterday, I was on a giant chessboard, and a scarecrow yelled at me, and then I ran into a maze.  BLURP." 

Colin: I appreciated his work in the movie Ladybugs. 

John: Oh, God, he's great in that movie.

Sarah: Yes. 

Colin: Come on, blurp.  Three, I'll take it.

John: Yeah, that's good for you.

Colin: What I needed.

Matt: We have an insult here for one of our viewers.  Marika Patheas' boyfriend Matthew is a massive babe.  He introduced her to our show.  Please call him names. 

John: His name's Matthew? 

Matt: Yes. 

John: More like Matt, pewwww.  Am I right?

Matt: 'Cause he's got a body odor problem.

Colin: He's a massive babe?  Like the pig in the movie?

John: Oh, yep, yep. 

Matt: Matthew in the City. 

Greg: Matthew, you eat dicks.  Five donk, badonk. 

Matt: You donked it.

Aaron: Let's do it at the same time.

Greg: Okay, yeah. 

Aaron: Gay.

Matt: Four.  A four--oh, I'm gonna stack.

Colin: Why won't you just do it there? 

Matt: No, you, you.

Colin: Blurg! 

Matt: Colin got capped on the four, so that row is dead, my friends. 

John: Sorry, Colin.

Matt: Rodney Dangerfield.  Do you guys remember that rap song that he did in the 80s?

Greg: Rappin' Rodney.

?: Rappin' Rodney, yeah.

Greg: Rappin' Rodney.

?: (?-7:33)

Greg: No, I don't remember that.

Matt: Right.

Colin: Was that put a ham sandwich up your butt?  Put a little man up your--

Aaron: That's Eddie Murphy.

Matt: Hey, Pac-Man fever. 

Greg: Hey, three, look at that.

John: Oh, you got to go all the way up there, ohhh.  Congratulations. 

Matt: Hey, let's all take a shower.

John: That got really weird. 

Matt: That's a fucking quote from a movie that he was in.  Why is that weird? 

?: Is it?

Matt: John?

John: That's from Ladybugs?

Colin: He was a children's soccer coach, (?-8:05) playing, he was like, "Hey, let's all go take a shower." 

Matt: Can't wait to see what I draw.  An eight.

Greg: Oh no.

?: You lose. 

Sarah: You're out.

?: You can't play, you're out.

Greg: Oh n--you want somebody to be out, look who's gonna be out.

John: Yeah, you're out, you're out, he's out. 

All: He's out, ohhhh.

Greg: Now we get to do this. 

Matt: The lack of respect in the room is palpable, folks. 

Aaron: You lost.  You have to do a No Respect joke. 

Matt: I get no respect.  Anytime I walk down the street, people don't regard me in a way befitting a man of my station. 

Greg: Thank you, Christopher Walken. 

Colin: Eight.  Uh-oh

Greg: What are you gonna do with that?  Nothin'.  Guess who's out? 

Matt: Do a No Respect joke.

Colin: Hey, I was at the grocery store, and the bagger said, "Paper or plastic?" and I said plastic and he said, "Eh, fuck you." 

Greg: That was one of my favorite Dangerfield jokes. 

Matt: He did a lot of jokes that ended in, "Hey, fuck you." 

Greg: Floop.  Oh, look who got a one. 

All: Ohhhhh.

Greg: Oh, look at this, bong.  Oh, you are capped.

John: We're not over. It's not over.

Greg: You are over, because here, look, here's the proof. 

John: "When I was a kid, I got no respect."

Sarah: That's terrible.

John: "I let down my yo-yo, and it would never come back.  No respect."

Matt: Come on, that was on the box.  You gotta make one up.

Colin: Yeah, you gotta make one up.

John: You didn't say that, you said I had to do one. 

Matt: Jesus, way to make an effort, John Green.  Way to make an effort.

John: You're welcome. 

Greg: Since we got respect, does that mean that we make a respect joke? 

Matt: Make a respect joke.

Aaron: "When I was a kid, I got a lot of respect.  I went to school and I got really good grades."

Greg: "My teacher said, 'eh, I'm awfully proud of you, ehhh." 

Matt: Good job, guys.  We finished the Rodney Dangerfield bullshit numbers game that has nothing to do with him or his life or his family. 

Greg: That sucked.

John: I played better board games with my four year old.

Matt: Do you have any other stories about playing games with your child?  I know you told a good one last time.

John: We recently started playing Chutes and Ladders, and sure as shit, there is absolutely no strategy involved in Chutes and Ladders.  It's just like actual fucking life.  Sometimes things get better and sometimes things get worse, and you do nothing to make either of those things happen.  If I wanna go through the process of being a human living in the world, I'll just continue to live my life.  I play games so that I don't have to live in that world, so that there can be some justice, nine, eight, seven, six, stacked, capped, I mean, this is a terrible game, but at least it fucking makes sense.

Matt: The fault is in our ladders. 

Aaron: Blurg!

Colin: Blurg!

Greg: Badonk.