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Uploaded:2014-08-15
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In which John talks about some very exciting news. The Wimbly Womblys play Burnley.

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Hello and welcome to hankgames without Hank! My name is John Green, I'm the manager of the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys, a football club owned by its fans. Uhhh, you. Specifically you. Owned by you. Um, the real life Football club, uhhh, AFC Wimbledon gets money from you watching this video. And it's very weird. It's hard to explain.

Anyway there's Houdini, he's our captain today. Uhhh, a little bit unusual... setup today because, um, John Green and John Green asked for it and, I, I always give them what they want, even when they want to lose a bunch of games on purpose, infuriate our audience, et cetera.

Oh, look! We have a ginger referee! Ohh, and that guy - their captain has the Callum Kennedy haircut. The disaster, it's disgusting. Anyway, uh, John Green and John Green- first off, AFC Wimbledon, ninth place AFC Wimbledon, we've been on a heck of a run since I remembered how to win games. Um. So, that's good.

Today we're playing... Who is this? Burnley? Burnley. Yes. Uh, today we're playing Burnley. That's not a place is it, it's more of an idea I think. It's like a- it's an adverbial way of being burnt. Um, but yes.

Uh, everything- John Green and John Green are starting at left midfield and right midfield. Um, they think that they can "burn up the flanks". That's a direct quote. I don't even really know what that means. But they think that their pace (I don't really know what that is - is that just speed?) can burn up the flanks and um, that even though they are technically strikers, that they wanna play uh, more in midfield. Um, particularly as they age - not as young as they used to be.

Um, but Bald John Green and Other John Green also have made their announcement! Um, they are going to be um, unavailable to AFC Wimbledon uh, for the next three games. Uh, they will be unavailable because they're gonna be adopting a baby! Ohhh. They got a baby. They got a baby, they got a baby and I'm so excited for them. Um, yeah. So it's er- their baby is in Ethiopia and they are going - they're flying in to Addis Ababa and - wasn't that out of bounds? Um, in three days, and then they will be going to the south of the country uh, to pick up their baby. Um, and it's pretty exciting stuff! I'm very excited for them! It's just a little eight day old baby! Ahhh, I love babies!

So the Wimbly Womblys - there are some Wimbly Womblys who have kids, um. Dicko actually has three children, um, with his wife. I was bummed out to find out that he's married, to be honest with you, because a single Dicko - that would have been something! Um, Houdini is single. Did you know that Meredith? Do you- do you like- are you into him at all, or are you still a Callum Kennedy guy? ..One man woman? Yeah. Did you-did I tell you by the way, that the real life Callum Kennedy knows about your crush? ..yeah, he does! He does! He does, he does. Rosianna told him. Rosianna hangs out with all the players of AFC Wimbledon, it's kind of hilarious.

Oh, look at John Green, proving how good he is in midfield! Oh, that's a nice cross! To his husband! And it doesn't work out, because sometimes life is full of disappointment. Oh, that would have been great on the- the day before- the game before they leave to pick up their new baby.

Anyway, Dicko has a kid. Deeney, no kids. Erm, and er, but Dicko. It's great actually, because, I don't think that Dicko has like fully integrated into the squad yet, but it's the beginning of the season, like, they're just getting to know each other, and like, the moment that the John Greens started talking about this, Dicko was like "I have a three year old and an eight month old, like, let me sit you down and talk about what you are about to get into". And it was very cute because usually, you know, Bald John Green and Other John Green kinda run the show with the club, erm, you know, they're the guys who.. Er, you know, I- in some ways, like, I don't even do a good job of controlling them because they are- you know, they're the heart of the club, you know, responsible for most of the goals that've been scored and the league history of AFC Wimbledon and they're just, you know, they ARE the club. Obviously you know, every club is bigger than its players, but you know. They're very important and they know it. (laughs) erm.

So anyway! But yeah, but suddenly, they were in a position of not knowing something because you know, Dicko has kids and er, and the John Greens don't. So erm, yeah, I'm very excited for them though. We're going to miss them for three games, obviously we're going to miss them a ton, but- oh, oh! Oh! The disappointment is palpable.

Erm. But it's er, it's still really really exciting. This is something that erm, that they've wanted for a long time, and I think it was a big part of what was going on last season was- you know, the wait, trying to figure out erm, how you know, it was very important to them to you know, just to do everything in the right way. And that means it takes time. It's expensive, it's time-consuming, er, adoption is very er, difficult and fraught and complicated. Erm, but it's also really, really lovely, so I'm so excited for them, and I know that y'all will be too, and that we- we all can't wait to meet baby Green.

I don't know what they're gonna call him! I have an idea. Meredith, let me just throw this out there as a potential name. John Green! I don't know what you think of it. I've always liked it because it's simple, so it's not too easy- like, you could disappear if you needed to, because it's- it's such an easy-to-Google name. You want a name that's reasonably erm, that other people have. Because otherwise like, every Google result is going to be you, and then like your exes will be able to follow you for the rest of your life. Stop me if you know what this is like.

I know! You never thought about that?! Oh, Meredith's never thought about that. I hope people don't know your last name! But you're totally - yeah, your exes do! Well, some of them. erm, hey oh! Er, you're totally erm, Google-able. Totally! Totally! I Googled the crap out of you before we hired you! Erm, just kidding (laughs) just kidding! I offered you the job the first time I met you, didn't I? Or was it the second time? I Googled you! I Googled you in the interim. I thought you might be lying about being a Nerdfighter. Erm. Huh? Yeah, well you weren't. You weren't. You were for real.

Awh, that was a- yeah, that was a foul! Thank you ginger referee! Yes! Your name is Tripper and that's precisely what you did! You are a person of your name! Look at that. That's naughty, Tripper.

Erm, yeah, so I don't know, I mean I know that you guys- I know that the demographics of Wimbly Wombly viewers skew fairly young - you guys probably don't want too much baby crap. But I'm just so excited to talk about- we don't even know if it's gonna be a boy or a girl yet! Like, they know but they haven't told us yet. Like, they want us to have the er, the experience of meeting the baby and like, finding everything out as if it were- you know, I don't know I'm just- oh! That was a great ball, very, very dangerous! Um. Just so excited! I gotta say, so excited about the whole thing.

Why are you smiling Meredith? Are you just excited? Oh, that scream was too loud. Oh, that was just funny, oh. Are you not excited about the, the baby? I, oh, John Green Green. Could they call him John John Green Green? Umm, that's a cute name, John John Green Green. 'Cause like he could be hyphenated like Green-Green, like, Green hyphen Green if he wants to have both of their last names.  But I guess John Green's maiden name was Bennett, so that doesn't really work. Cause he was John Bennett and then when he got married he took Bald John Green's name and that's how he became John Green. Um, so now they're both John Greens but like, it'd be pretty cute if his name was John John Green Green or just John John Green. I guess John John's pretty cute.

Anyway, we don't even know if it's gonna be a boy or a girl or what so, like, this is all premature. I'm just excited, I'm just letting my mind run wild because I know this has been a dream of theirs for a long time and it represents like a moment of kind of like, maturity and adulthood for the club too, on some level I think, like, you know we are now like truly a family-oriented club you know, like I wanna have these kids out for practice and have them out on the pitch like, I told that to Dicko that like, back in the Swindon Town days we used to have Voluptuous Péricard's kids, uh, come out sometimes. It was really fun and like, you know, they're welcome to come to training and everything like that, like, they're just - oh, by the way, those kids are just ador-Oh, dang it!

Ohh, I'm sorry I apologize to my friends and family. Don't pass back into the box, don't pass back into the box don't but- and Seb Brown you've got to say not his best work. Didn't look like he was saving penalties against Manchester City, if you catch my drift. Alright, one nil down, this is a little frustrating. On such a joyous day, that's the issue that I have I guess, that it's not supposed to be this kind of day and then Bald John Green gives up possession way too easily and then trips the guy cause he's frustrated. Don't give!-ok, thank you. I won't, I won't do it again ginger referee. I love you.

Umm, That was good refereeing actually cause that was very naughty and I'm sorry and it was just- look- Bald John Green's like, Ohh I can't believe I did that. That was stupid, I'm sorry.

Ah! Probably because I'm starting four forwards Meredith. That's probably the issue. Um, you're probably not supposed to do that in FIFA. Oh no! Speaking of (laughs)- everything worked out better than expected. Standard should-have-hit-the-x-button moment for the Wimbly Womblys. Wow, that would have been a good time to hit X. Boy! Still wouldn't be a bad time to hit X. Nope! Nope. Nope nope nope. Not a good tackle. Yep! Nope. Uh oh! This is just not- it's just not going very well. Hold on, I gotta move to attacking mode. Alright, there we go!

So, um, I am really excited for this. I just think like, these two people who are gonna- oh God, Dicko! You're better than that! I just think they're gonna be great parents. Um, and I know that, you know, they have so much love for each other and they have so much love for this club, and I think they're just gonna nurture that baby and er, it's gonna one day be an awesome person and an awesome footballer.

Um, which really, those are the two great things you can be in life. You can be a healthy and productive and good person, or you can be good at football. That's- that's the goal of being a human. That's the reason that we're alive, is to, you know, enjoy and appreciate and participate in the beauty of the universe. And specifically football. There are other kinds of beauty! I mean, I can't play football so I had to learn to, you know, I had to learn to work in other media. Like writing and making video blogs, semi-professional FIFA playing, et cetera. But like, we all know that the greatest thing that a human can be is a footballer. Um, but, you know, not everybody can be that, obviously, so there has to be room for people like me! Um, and I, I take great pride in my work, I'm not- I don't apologize for it but certainly I think we all know that it would be better if I were playing football instead of just doing what I'm doing.

Speaking of which, er, we've got a very bad situation here. The Gaulden Child, he's just, he's very tired. He's just like (whispers) "Daddy, Daddy, can I please stop playing now?" I'm like "GO BACK TO WORK!" I'm very tough on him! Errrr, Ya Bamba's more of a left-  more of a left forward if we're gonna play him in forward. And then I think I'm gonna bring in- I think I'm gonna put John Green in that role and then I'm gonna bring on Mose Vestergaard - (sighs) he hasn't really made a name for himself, despite having a pretty big name um, as a member of the Wimbly Womblys yet.

Deeney! We love you Deeney! Who? Deeney! Who? Deeney! You see where it says "your golf travel"? Down there on the pants, it's gonna say DFTBA next year. Isn't that hilarious? Does that ever stop being funny to you?

Alright,  here we go! Yo Bamba etc. coming on. It's a John Green upfront now, everything should be fine, we've just got to score one goal and then we're right back in it.

Is it very warm in here Meredith? OK, good I was worried that I might have an avid fever again. I don't know if you know this but I've actually had meningitis, which is this kind of a brain fever, umm but I don't know if I've mentioned that to you yet. It's very serious and I survived it because of my heroism. Mostly, because of the good doctors. Look at John Green, Look at John Green- Aah! To Ya Bamba. He's a tiny little man, he had no chance from back there. Ooh, he wanted it so bad- look at the Ya Bamba effort and he's just like I am so little! But then John Green man, that was a pretty good header from outside the box and suddenly we've got ourselves a corner kick. And, uh, on is coming R. Noble, Hell Pells, to Bald John Green! No! Aah! John Green wanted it so bad! Oh that's not good, that's not good, there we go, okay, alright.

Eighty second minute. I think at this point we're playing for a draw, a draw would be a glorious result against Burnley. Gahh Bald John Green just not quite big enough, that's saying something cause he's not a small man. Alright, pull back! Yes! Nope! Nope. Disaster! Stuck in the corner, as I so often am in FIFA, so good at getting to the corner, so bad at getting out of the corner. OK, ohh, Bald John Green! Okay, that was good for him actually, he's not the greatest on the ball, but that was a nice moment. That's nice but, uhh Ya Bamba was too far forward! It's frustrating and upsetting! Looks like we're gonna lose one nil.

But it's still a happy day! You don't win every game, but I'll tell you what, we're gonna lose a lot of games. But it's only gonna be once that Bald John Green and other John Green bring a beautiful baby, uh, to AFC Wimbledon that we can raise, really as a family,  as a family football team. I mean, I guess it would be mostly them, but I'd like to participate a little bit if they'll let me! Anyway, sorry that we lost, my fault, It's not your fault Seb, it's me, I'm sorry, I passed across the box. 

Best Wishes.