Previous: 089 - A Rich Guy with an Affinity for Bats
Next: 091 - Everything Is Everything (w/ Mayim Bialik!)



View count:147,321
Last sync:2020-08-22 20:00
Are you really in the clear with liquor before beer? Should I embrace the error on my birth certificate? Does it really matter where I go to college? And more!

Email us:

 (00:00) to (02:00)


(Intro music playing)
Hank: Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John!
John: Or as I prefer to think of it, Dear John and Hank
H: It's a comedy podcast where me and my brother John answer your questions, give you dubious advice, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. How you doin' John?
J: I'm doing well, thank you. Uh, I just received -in the mail- 378 Tumblr stickers from Tumblr
H: *gasps* Oh wow!
J: And uh-
H: Actually from Tumblr Tumblr?
J: Ya, from Tumblr itself; and I- I- I feel like this "378 things" joke has gone a little bit too far
H: Well I mean the thing is-
J: We gotta back away from it,
H: What are you gonna do with 378 stickers? Gimme something I can EAT, Tumblr-
J: Ya, well- *chuckles*
H: some Tumblr candy bars! Some Tumblr Hot Pockets
J: ya know-
H: Some Tumblr salad dressing! Something!!
John: When I think about the places where Tumblr needs to expand and change, I really- I do think about food first. Uh, they need to get in the Hot Pocket business (Hank chuckles) because I just feel like the current Hot Pocket business is not being well-served by only having one brand in it. Uhhhh...
H: Ya. I do not see enough social media representation at the grocery store. What is that about? Why-
J: That's so true
H: -are there not Twitter...ya know, uh- fshthp- What are those things called? T.V. Dinners! Twitter TV dinners! That's what I want
J: Mmhmm. They're just- it's just -they're all 140 calories each.
H: oh OOOOOHHHH! I love it. I love it!
J: I mean, one of the things I really like about you as my brother, Hank, is that even when I have kinda very mediocre ideas, you're wonderfully excited about them and I really appreciate that.
H: Oh... well, I kinda- I ga- I got really excited. I think- I think Twitter's missing out on a huge opportunity.
J: Uh *scoffs* ya. I- I agree, the biggest problem that Twitter has is not being in the TV dinners business. Uh... Hank, would you like a short poem for today?

 (02:00) to (04:00)

H: Before we do that John, I have to say that you got your stickers from Tumblr, but I from- so now, from two different sets of fans of the pod, I've gotten candy: and one was the O'Ryan's, the weird Irish potatoes that have no potato in them; and now, I have received- just because you're always getting the good stuff and people feel bad for me, I assume- I just got 378 peanut butter cups.
J: What!?
H: Not from Reese's; just from people who want me to feel better about my lack of good candy.
J: Awwww man, that's not fair! I love Reese's cups
H: Ex-ex- I know. they're good. But do you know what, John? DO you know what? I have put them out for all of the staff at Complexly Missoula to enjoy; unlike your policy, with your poor people in Indianapolis, who just got to just look at, and not touch, the Snickers.
J: Uh, okay, I don't- I'm n- I... *sighs/groans*
H: *chuckles*
J: Ya know, you're... Don't- don't try to paint me as a bad guy just because I wanted to enjoy all 378 of the Snickers that the Snickers Company sent to me, personally
H: Ah... well, we- we're different people; that's all- that's all I can say. Do you have a short poem for us today?
J: Ooohh, that's- that's not at all fair. I am a f- I am a fantastic person who just happens to love Snickers and also I would not ask for someone else's Snickers, ya know? I believe that- uh i uh- in this world, a human being has to pull themselves up by the bootstraps, and without any help, find their own Snickers in this world, ya know? We've all got an equal shot at Snickers, Hank.
H:There's also the fact that-
J: No, I'm just kidding
H: Ya, I know. There's also the fact that if I had 378 Reese's peanut butter cups in my home, that next week I would have about 50 and uh- and uh- but I would have serious digestive issues. So, I do need help-
J: Ya
H: -with this problem. It is- it is a bot of a problem, to have that many Reese's peanut butter cups.

 (04:00) to (06:00)

J: I would- I would say that, ya know, some people would construct it as a problem, other people would construct it as an opportunity. Here's a short poem. It's by Bill Knott, a poet I've gotten really into since he died. I feel bad because it's so cliche to get into poets right after they die, but I didn't know about him until he died. Anyway, this poem is called "Alternative Fates" and I really love it.

 (4:25)Short Poem

J:"What if right in
the middle of a battle
across the battlefield the wind
blew thousands of
lottery tickets, what then?"
H: hhhuuuhhh
J: What then Hank?
H: Like scratch-off tickets? Like they're not do- or are they already- or are they winning lottery tickets? Or ar- like- are they- that have been like- or are they just like "okay, everybody has to get their coins out to see if they won"?
J: I think, almost by definition, they can't all be winning lottery tickets. (H: That's not really how the lottery works) Then it's not a lottery, it's just a straight cash give-away.
H: That would be more expensive than the actual war would be
J: Uh...probably not. Wars are ASTONISHINGLY expensive.
H: *Laughs* That's a good point John. Alright, what've we got in the way of questions from our listeners on this fine day on Dear Hank and John? (5:14)

 Question One

J: Well, this first question comes from Danny, who writes, "Dear Green Brothers, Anytime I cook something in the oven that requires a covering of aluminimum foil, I notice that even after 40+ minutes of exposure to extreme heat, the foil is barely even warm when I remove it. This is weird. Isn't metal supposed to be a good conductor? Should not the foil be just as hot as the metal dish in which my delicious lasagne is being cooked? Is everything I learned in my chemistry courses about conductors and insulators a lie? Any dubious explanation is appreciated. Victory for the forces of democracy, Danny"
H: *laughs*
J: I feel like I just was asked to participate in propoganda by reading the sign-off. I've been tricked Hank.
H: Ya. You guys- you guys- you're not getting 100%... uh- like read of sign-offs.

 (06:00) to (08:00)

H: We will skip them sometimes, if we find them controversial enough, but not that one.
J: *sighs*
H: Victory for the forces of democracy John.
J: Might and democracy have been over-rated.

 (08:00) to (10:00)

 (10:00) to (12:00)

J: Look at me at the end of a pizza exchange and you just, even if you say, "It could happen at any time." I'm gonna spend the next, like, six years freaked out over, like, "What is 'it'?".
H: I like to imagine that before he puts the pizza in the box, John just writes a little message. Just like, "It could happen at any time", like very small under the...   And so, like, 99% of people aren't noticing it, but somebody takes the last piece of pizza, and then they're like, "What is that? What is that? What does it... what does it mean? What is the pizza box trying to tell me?"
J: John, you have to stop doing this. This is a big, big concern for me. 
H: Yeah, no. I definitely will not order a pizza again from a restaurant that delivers with a pizza delivery man who is also delivering a message of my own mortality.
J: (Laughs) Yeah. I mean, have you not noticed a dramatic decrease in repeat customers? 
H: Reminders of their mortality along with pizza. I mean, if there's any time. Like, I understand that we should be aware of the finite nature of our existence, but also...
J: Yeah, that's why we have sundials.
H: I'm about to have a pizza! I don't need this right now! Like, I've already made a mistake today, I'm already indulging myself, I don't...
J: Hey. Hey! Stop right there. Stop right there. Alright, Hank, you and I have both now said stupid things on this podcast that we need to stop and apologize for. First off, I expressed an opposition to democracy. I would like to take that back.  
H: (laughs)
J: I am hard in favor of democracy. I don't know where that came from. And then now, having said that, Hank, I want to give you the opportunity to take back the horrible, disgusting, reprehensible thing you just said about pizza.
H: I take it back. I do not want to shame myself or anyone else for the enjoyment of the perfect thing that is pizza.

 (12:00) to (14:00)

J: Thank you. Thank You. (stammers) Ok. Alright. I feel like we're back to even now. And having noted that lets...
H: But you did that whole thing about aluminum foil and science being wrong. But, whatever, we'll just ignore that.
J: Oh, I'm not walking away from that one. It seems like you must be wrong. I believe that you're right, but it also seems like you must to wrong. Let's move on to another question, Hank. Alright. Actually, you know what? I'd like to formally apologize for saying that science is wrong.
H: Ok, but...
J: I don't know if people can read tone anymore in these dark and strange times, so I would like to be absolutely clear that I am pro-science. This question comes from Emma, who writes: Dear John and Hank, I have a distinct problem. For the first sixteen years of my life, I thought my name was Emma. That's spelled E-M-M-A. However, upon my attempt to acquire a learner's permit I found out that there was a clerical error on my birth certificate, making my legal name Emmma. That is Emmma spelled with three M's, E-M-M-M-A. 
H: (Laughs)
J: To be clear, this spelling was not intended by my parents, however, they seem to find my mutant beast of a name absolutely hilarious. And take every opportunity to remind me of it. Obviously, I am distraught. The problem with my name is causing an inordinate amount of anxiety for me. I mean is it better now that we're laughing at you, Emma? And perhaps it's something philosophical about the teenage struggle for identity. No, I don't think it's that. I think it's, maybe, that your name is spelled E-M-M-M-A.
H: (laughing) Oh, How is it pronounced though, John? How is Emmma with three M's pronounced? Is it just Emma?
J: (laughing) Don't make it worse. Don't make it worse. Don't make it worse. I'm having a hard time figuring out if my fears are legitimate, thus I have turned to the pod. Oh, great idea. Am I being too uptight? Should I pretend this clerical error never happened? Or should I own the new spelling? 
H: Well I'm worried that it's gonna end up on your driver's license too.

 (14:00) to (16:00)

 (16:00) to (18:00)

 (18:00) to (20:00)

 (20:00) to (22:00)

 (22:00) to (24:00)

 (24:00) to (26:00)

 (26:00) to (28:00)

 (28:00) to (30:00)

 (30:00) to (32:00)

 (32:00) to (34:00)

 (34:00) to (36:00)

 (36:00) to (38:00)

 (38:00) to (40:00)

 (40:00) to (42:00)

 (42:00) to (44:00)

 (44:00) to (46:00)

 (46:00) to (48:00)

 (48:00) to (50:00)

 (50:00) to (50:35)