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in which Ezio gets some new weapons and goes back in time

Last time on Assassin's Creed Brotherhood 2.0 you remember that Ezio...was not Ezio he was Desmond then he walked around then it was boring and I don't know why I did it, but uh that's what I did.

So this time I'm gonna try and do something else interesting. There's a bank, let's go by this bank. Um bank bank bank this way. Kitty (?)! My favorite. Oh, excuse me, so sorry. Sooo sorry. (Oh, that is impressive!) I know, I've very impressive. I'm a very impressive--wow, that was like the pawn shop balls, I wonder what that-that's supposed to be--UGH, it's across the thing.

Yeah, dive it. Beautiful dive. No diving. No diving in an empty pool. Probably have to be my age to uh, get that joke. 

(sings) I almost tackled a guard! He probably wouldn't have like that, no no noooo. 

(Reading sign) Banco. What is with-what is with me? I don't even know! I'm upgrading a bank! Cause I can! I got all the Florins I need! I might as well upgrade a bank! Okay. Let's do this thing. Let's use this bank!

Record book. Total in-income every 20 minutes. Can I..renovations, landmarks..discount earned...Total florins earned. Twenty-two thousand florins! That's awesome. Can I not-I can't like, withdraw money. Yes, I will withdraw money! Awesome. Okay. But I can't like, do anything. I can't actually buy stuff here. Cause that would be awesome. But I can't. If I could buy all of the tunnel entrances right here without having to walk around, but no. I have to walk around.

I don't mind walking around, let's be honest. Walking around is one of the funnest parts of this game. Terracotta pot! You know I cut myself very badly on a terracotta pot once? True story. Hi Lemon! Hi baby. 

Mmkay, I've got lots of money now. What should I do with it? I should go...what is this thing with the broken heart? It's a Christina Mission. Where's a blacksmith? There's one. Pretty far away though. 

Get on my map! What about-what was that? That was embarrassingly done. He just decided to jump that direction. Okay, I'm gonna buy this stable...I just gotta operate everything I run into. Cause I got all this money now! I'm so rich! And I'm just gonna make more, the more stuff I upgrade. It's like Fable! I'm gonna be the king of this country, town, city, Rome, what is Rome? City-state? Township? 

(Not a very good performer, is he?) What? Are you making fun of me lady? I got...You're lame. I can make fun of you back. (Hank sings) Do do do do doo...do do buh buh buh--oh, up on the chimney tops! Jump off that, good. Oh, don't worry about me guards! I'm just running around on the roofs, on the rooftops. 

That's where I wanted to be. How odd. Renovating blacksmith! Yeah, "fabbro." Do eeet. Umm, yes please. Repair, that sounds good. Yes, repair all. No armor required repair. Why is there an exclamation point then? I don't know. Armor. Greaves. I can't..(reads screen) "Requires the Double Hidden Blade from Leonardo"? I haven't even seen Leonardo yet! I'll buy some greaves though. It's always good to have some greaves. Greave it up. So greeeaved. 

Common sword. Hammer. Bearded Axe! Why can't I have...(reads screen) "requires the Heavy Sheath." Rapier. Longsword. I'm gonna get a war hammer. Yeah, uh huh! I do want to buy that item. Bone Dagger of Romulus! Don't mind if I do! How much is it? Okay! Accept! That looks..dangerous. 

Crossbow. What. (blabbers) I can't afford--I spent all my money, I can't--ohhh, no. Sell items. Sell expensive items. Indian diamond. That won't even do it, I have to sell both of them. I need those! I feel like I'm going to need them for future missions, damn, DAMN! Aw, not a--I wanted a crossbow, the whole reason I came here!

I disappeared, and then came back! Where's money? Where is money? Okay, I'll do some missions, and they'll make money. And it'll be okay. What's the closest mission? What's this one? Hey. No, this one here. Courtesan Assignment. (Grumbles) I didn't even know the Courtesans were going to be assignments these days!

Christina mission. The bank. Okay, let's do...let's do..the courtesan assignment. Yes. Well, that's close enough. Okay. Go!

No, you take more of my money, I need a crossbow! What, I didn't see that there. What, where did it go? Over here. (Hey!) Heyyy. How's it goin'. Faster, Ezio. What do I pay you for. Not to be slow. Not pay you..to get up on the thing. 

There you go. Go go go go. Target a horse using LS and then hold RT and B to leap on it? That's a useful...skill. Can I go into this? Yes I can. Good good good. 

Hello, courtesan...I'm gonna talk to you from up here. With one foot on this thing. What is going on? That was complicated. Alright, let's have a talk. Apparently, a long, involved, and difficult to render tal--what's going on? This is creepy. 

Ummm...(begins singing) infinite grid of darkness and redness and scariness, and shooting, and scary scary, what's--I was just wanted to talk to a courtesan! This is dramatic and creepy! What's going on? Glitchy. Okay.

What are we doing? (What about that one?) Why am I back in time? (Oh, she is beautiful.) (Okay, then go talk to her.) Oh, it's me, back when I was punk! (Just like that? Talk about what?) Oh, that was a long time ago, man. I'm old now. (It doesn't matter. See, little brother, most men are so afraid of beautiful girls,) I think you're dead, too. (..that anyone who actually talks to them has an advantage!) That's true. That's a true story. 

(Just make it up as you go.) He's not making that up. Heellloooo. (What.) (What?) (Why are you just standing there?) (Oh. Um...Because I...wanted to ask you something. Which is...What's your name?) Oh, cutie. (Pfft! Not one you'll ever need to make use of.) Pffft!

(Aspetta! I wasn't ready! I was planning on being really charming. And funny! Can I just have a second chance?) (Laughter in background) Adorable. (Oh well...) That's so Italian of you. (Ezio, all is not lost. You made her smile. She will remember you now.) (No, I can still fix this. I'll follow her a-ways, see where she lives.) Yeeah. That's not creepy at all. 

(Reads screen) "Follow Cristina to seek the renewal of her attentions." Yes, okay. I will do it even though I'm over time already. "Tail Cristina." Tail Cristina's tail for tail. Heeeyy. Back in the olden days, when nobody--should I, I shouldn't let her know that I'm here? Or punch her, I shouldn't punch her? Oop, what, nope, nope! (Hank laughs) Running away, that didn't arouse any suspicions. But trying to punch her did, so I'll remember not to do that in the future. When you're trying to win the affections of a young lady, do not try and punch her! 

Hellooo? What, this is the boring-est mission of all time. I'm following a girl. (Hank sighs) What else is going on in my life besides tailing some tail? Uhh, Lemon is cute, she's sleeping behind me. And...I'm working on Vidcon. 

Ahh! What! Why do you keep stopping and turning around? That is not a natural thing for a young lady to do! (Wait! Get back here!) What? Do you want, really want me to get back here? No? I'm confused.

This is a boring mission. Oh, where do you live?! Do you live in this city, at least? Are you almost home? Is that your home right there? No? No--oop, jeez, I'm just one guy, of like... (There's no way you could be him!) It couldn't? 'cuse me. Should I be stealing money from these people? No, I've got zero florin anyway. Cause I'm poor, I'm poor Ezio! 

Is that where you live? That's where you live, hooray, that was the boring-est thing I've ever done. Ooh, creepster! (I told you, I'm not interested.) (Si. But I am.) (Get in line.) (I think not, amore mio) Ooh! I'm going to get to prove myself to this young lady right now. (I've decided I'm tired of waiting for you to open your legs on your own!) Ooh, wow. Creepy.

(Cane regnoso!) Shabby dog! (What do you want here? This has nothing to do with you!) (Nice to see you too, Vieri. I think you're disturbing this young lady's day.) Yeah, I'd like--well, I'm probably gonna get my ass kicked. Oop, no I'm not. 

Yeah, punch, punch, punch, uhh! (Hank grunts) (Shut your mouth, I'll kill you!) No. (You will pay for interfering. Your whole family will!) Is that how this whole thing got initiated? Cause I punched a guy on the street and now I'm an assassin? 

(Thank you.) Well, yes. I was only creepily stalking you. (I am now...you asked for my name earlier. It's Cristina.) Well. (Piacere, Cristina. I'm Ezio.) Okay. (Well, Ezio, looks like you got yourself a second chance.) Well, you're so full of yourself. How do you even know that I want any? Lady friend. (Hank sings a few notes) Funny face.

Okay. Well, that is the end of this episode of Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood 2.0. And I'm still Ezio, from back in time. That's weird. And, um, in Florence. No, okay, it is ending. Okay. And uh, you will not see me and I will not see you but you will hear me, next time. On Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood 2.0, hopefully tomorrow, and uh, I will see you then. Good-bye. 

I said I'll see you. Why did I say that? Anyway. Good-bye.