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In which John discusses hypothetical band names.


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A Bunny
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((') (')
Good morning Hank, it's Tuesday, September 4th, and I'm extremely tired—I think I got bit by a tsetse fly.

Hank, in your video of last Friday when you were sitting ~right here~, in ~my~ house, you had the audacity to imply that I wasn't proud of the band name Moe and the Lawns, which is the greatest band name I ever came up with in my whole long and storied history of coming up with hypothetical band names! Hank, as you know, I'm not a talented musician: I can't sing; I don't have any rhythm; and I can't play any musical instruments. But I always really ~wished~ I could be in a band, and so I devoted all of my energies to thinking up band names, of which Moe and the Lawns is unquestionably the greatest.

But Hank, it occurs to me that you might not even know many of the names I've come up with for the hypothetical bands I would be in if I didn't suck at music. For instance, did you know that if I was in a death metal band, it would be called Barry and the Hatchets? Or that my humorous punk rock band would be called Kelly and the Rippas.

If I had a band that covered, like, old fifties' rock standards it would definitely be called Chester and the Drawers. Hank, interesting trivia tidbit about me: I was fully 25 years old when I found out about "chest of drawers" as a phrase. Someone was talking to me and they were, like, "Do you have a nice chest of drawers in your room?" and I was, like, "Do you mean 'Chester dra--' ohhh, 'chest of drawers,' yes!

Of course!" Hank, if I was the bass guitarist for a children's literature rock band, we would totally be called Judy and the Blumes. My art rock band would be called Schrödinger and the Maybe Dead Cats. Okay, like, if Michael Jackson made a comeback, and he decided to make a comeback with a band, and for some reason he decided to include ~me~ in that band, I would want us to be called Jacko and the Lanterns.

My gospel group? Holly and the Lujahs. Okay Hank, that's all the blank-in-the-blanks that I got, but I do have some other band names that I'm pretty fond of.

For instance, if I had a ska band, do you know what it would be called? The Moby Moby Dicktones. (Laughs.) It doesn't even—it doesn't even make any sense, I just like saying "The Moby-Moby Dicktones." Moby Moby Dicktones, Moby Moby Dicktones, Moby Moby Dicktones, Moby, Moby, Dicktones! If I was a rapper, my rap name would be MC One Thousand One Hundred, or, in roman numerals, MC MC.

Roman numeral jokes? Anybody? Anybody, MC MC?

No? Okay. If I was in a noise band, we'd be from California, and we'd be called All Loud on the Western Front.

And if I was in a nerdcore band, we'd be called Negative Suck Cubed Equals Awesome. Speaking of Negative Suck Cubed Equals Awesome, Hank, great job turning the suck of all the problems into the awesome that is the new! The Wiki-Wiki-Wookie is back; My Pants are on fire; and the site isn't going down, except maybe, like, a couple times late at night--and only then for a minute, so just be patient!

Hank, thanks to you and Katherine for visiting us last week; The Yeti and I had a great time. I've gotta go stick my head in a vat of cold water to try wake up, but I'll see you tomorrow, SINGING, yes!