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In which John talks about whether he would want to be a real football manager. The AFC Wimbly Womblys plays Newport County.

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Hello and welcome to AFC Wimbledon, the Wimbly Womblys, who are currently top of the table, four points clear of Plymouth Argyle, which is another made-up town. Today, speaking of made-up towns, we're playing a place called Newport. Come, now! I mean, where are these places located? The Cheltenhams. The Liarshires, the Newport Counties?! Come on! It's ridiculous.

They have a player named Pidgeley, I mean, this is just... It's cliché, it's so obviously... Having a goalkeeper named Pidgeley is so obviously fictional that it just ruins the experience for people who are trying to watch this as if it were a real soccer game.

Speaking of which, today I'm gonna talk about whether I would want to be a real um, manager of an actual football team. Um... Let me give you the short answer: No! (laughs) Um... No! No! I- for many reasons, the first of which is that uh... Is what I will refer to as the Jack Midson phenomenon.

So this game, you know, I started playing FIFA 11 when it wasn't very complicated. Um, you know... Your players continued to play for you until and unless you sold them. But now, you must make your players happy. You can't make them cranky.

They don't like - ooooooh. "Ya Ya Ya Ya"- dang it! It's almost like the world didn't want me to sing that song again! "He's big, he's tough, he has a brilliant puff, Other John Green, Other John Green!"

I mean, Ya Bamba had to score there! I was so ready. I still don't have any lyrics for his song, which makes it even better, I think. Um... Yeah, but man, Meredith is strongly opposed to goals from Ya Bamba. Um... So anyway, now you have to make your players happy, and I just-

I just offered a new contract to Jacky Midson. I love Jacky Midson, he's the reason that we're even in the football league in the first place, because if we hadn't... If he hadn't scored that vital penalty in the last week of the 2013 AFC Wimbledon season, they would have been relegated out of the football league and we wouldn't be able to play with AFC Wimbledon in FIFA! We would have to- we would be stuck with some other team that isn't owned by its fans. Um, and that we don't get to sponsor.

So like, it's really- I mean, obviously Jack Midson is a hugely important player to us, um. But in the game, he was like "I'm not gonna sign a new contract because I'm cranky because yadda yadda yadda".  And I was like, "Come on Jacky Midson, don't be ridiculous". So finally, he did agree to sign a contract, but that kind of stuff in real life, you'd have to deal with all the time! And it would be so annoying.

And generally like, I'm not very good at management. Um... Meredith would be happy to tell you all about that. I'm just not a very like, committed or engaged boss. And as a football manager, you have to do that stuff constantly, and not just with your players, but with like, you know, your kit guy and the assistant managers. And it just sounds horrible.

Furthermore, I don't know if you guys have noticed this, but I don't have any understanding of soccer tactics. Oh God! Oh God! You just went down so easily. That was a very- that was an attempted dive, but the referee was having none of it because he's an American hero, or a British hero. And that was a beautiful decision by the referee and I appreciate it. Speaking of beautiful! How about this goal?! No! Oh. Again, saved by Pidgeley. Clearly fictional name. 

Um... so yeah, I would be a terrible, terrible football manager because I don't understand tactics. I don't really- the only thing I'm good at I, I think like- if you ask the boys anyway is that I'm pretty good at, uh, the half time motivational speech. You'll notice that, uh, all of the teams that I have managed have had unusually good second halves. And I think that I am good at the, um, I think I am good at offering some of that. 

But, you know, man management is a relatively small part of the game. Ohh... oh that's disappointing. It's mostly, um, you know what you had to do there. Porter, you had to pass. 'Cause you've gotta know "I can't finish on my right foot off balance like that. So, what I should do is I should pass"... well I guess there was- oh! There was a trailing Bald John Green, as there often is in human life. 

Um, so yeah, I don't, I mean, I think I would be a terrible manager of a real football team. I'm not even a particularly a good manager of this football team, it has to be said. Although we are, um, of course, uh, totally undefeated in League 2 this year. And also, um... uh, you know, we're top of the table. And I think that, uh, we've done a great job and I'm really proud of the guys and I'm proud of my staff. I'm proud, you know, I think I've managed the team effectively, but like, I'm definitely wanting, tactility. It's just that I have so many weapons, um... that it's kinda hard to, it's kinda hard to lose. 

Speaking of which, oh! You've gotta, you've gotta finish there! Get in! Oh, that's a little bit disappointing from Some Moore. Um... yes. By the way I didn't really get his song right last time. I'm going to work on it again 'cause somebody suggested a great song for him and I kinda screwed it up. I apologize, but I need him to score in order to be able to sing it properly. 

Um... yeah, uh... oh, that's a nice pass. That was attractive. That's some nice football! Yeah, that's good use of the Y button! Oh, what?! Better communication! Disappointment, disappointment, the disappointment is palpable. Um, the other things is that I'd have to move to England. Um, which I can't do, you know, like I've often, I have this fantasy. Um... it's a terrible, I know that it's a terrible dream, but you have to dream big in this world! But I have this dream of owning, owning a League 2 football team. 

Not, not managing them! I know that would be crazy! But, you know, buying one... it just seems like such a good investment, lower league soccer. Um... you know, none of those, none of these teams are profitable by the way. So, um, I don't know, I just think it would be so cool! I get to sit in the owner's box. It'd just be awesome! Um, so I do have that dream, but no I never think for a second that I could manage a team. 

I mean, I know that guy who is the head coach of the Butler, uh, University soccer team, which is a big Division 1 soccer team. And like, it's just so... ah! It's incredibly difficult work! It's just constant and very hard. We have a lot of, uh, strikers. I'm going to thank Jack Midson for signing his contract like a big boy. And I'm going to bring in both he and Green Eggs and Sheringham. And then I'm going to bring in P. Sweeney in the middle. 

We're going to be a little bit Less Moore than we usually are. Um, and then I'm also going to bring in H. Pell- uh, do we want to be completely de-Moored here? Well I can't 'cause I've already made all 3 of my substitutions. See, that's a good example of why I wouldn't be a good football manager. I just tried to make a 4th substitution. And I tried to make all 4 of them at half time. Um, so yeah, that's not, um, that's not what a proper soccer coach would do. 

It's an extremely difficult, complicated job and I wouldn't want it. That said, I am living my absolute dream 'cause my dream has always been that I would be able to, um, like help a soccer team that I believed in, in, like, a real way that was useful to them. And of course, that was never going to be as a player. Um, I don't know if you guys have ever seen my, uh, my skills on the ball. But they barely impress my 3 year old. 

Um, he's starting to get to the point now where he can do some things that I don't know how to do. Get in! Get in! "Ya Ya Ya Ya Bamba!" I still don't have any lyrics. "Ya Ya Ya Ya Bamba just scored a goal, just scored a goal, just scored a goal, Ya Ya Bamba" Was that better... Sarah? She said sure. Meredith, in your opinion was that better? It that an improvement? What about Ya Ya Ya Ya Bamba just scored a goal, just scored a goal. 

I mean that's- it's a pretty, like, it's an obvious lyric, but it's better than not, it's better than nothing, right?! It's the pitch. So, it doesn't seem like it's on key to you? Hm... it's the delivery. So, it is on key. You can acknowledge that I'm right on key. Yeah... um, listen Sarah, it's not my fault that I have a player named Ya Bamba who sometimes scores. I can't do anything about that. He's a genius. 

Do you remember before Ya Bamba how many scores, how many goals we got off the left mid fielder? None! None, and now we get, like, basically- oh god! Ohh, Seb Brown! I still don't really have a chant for him or anything, but I mean, that guy. I don't want to criticize Worner Chilcott because he's a member of the Wimbly Womblys. I don't like to criticize people who play for our club, but Seb Brown is our starter. There's no doubt about it. I love him! He's all courage. 

Um... that's a great ball, that's a great ball and a great run! Porter off the post! Off the post! Ohh, that was beautiful though. I mean, you gotta love it! Oh my god, you gotta score there, son! That's disappointing. What was I talking about today? I don't even remember. Talking about Ya Bamba... oh yeah, living my dream. Um... no I mean, the dream is to help a soccer team that I care about.

And I really do care about AFC Wimbledon. I really like the way that they, um, they run their business. I like the culture of the club... um, you know, I think the players are awesome. I think, um, you know, their Twitter feed is hilarious, it's everything, it's exactly the kind of team that you want to support. And I love the fact that they're owned by their fans. And, like, through the Wimbly Womblys we're able to support them directly and that is really cool. 

So, that's basically my dream and I basically get to live it now. Speaking of living my dream! How about a goal from Jacky Midson! A little present in honor of the fact that he signed his contract. I had a song for him, but I can't remember it. Somebody wrote a good song. Dang it! It was, like uh... maybe it was one, one maybe there's only one Jacky Midson. "One Jacky Midson, there's only one Jacky Midson, One Jacky Midson thanks for keeping us up!" Yeah, I think that was it. 

Um, because of course he's the one that scored the penalty that made us continue to be a team in the Football League, which in turn made the Wimbly Womblys possible. So, if it weren't for Jack Midson none of us would be hear today. Woah, that is a dangerous pass, but I like it! I like risk taking! Um, so it is Jack Midson who allowed me to live my dream of, uh, supporting a football club that I care about. 

It is really special, um... yeah, it's so cool to be the supporter of the AFC Wimbledon Academy and like thank you to all of you that are making that possible by watching this video. Um, and the ad that came before the video because, um, yeah now we get to do this. It's so cool, it's crazy. Um, oh... and look how disappointed and sad their players are, that's fun to see as well.

Yeah, I like it, it's good to have like, one- this is a common chant in soccer: "One blah blah blah blah, there's only one blah blah blah blah" But I think you need one of them and Jack Midson is a good one 'cause he's a, you know, he's a real, he's a real person. So, you know, you don't want to go too weird on it. I like him though, I like him a lot! Even though he was, even though he was iffy on his contract. I definitely see him as a big part of the club, which is what I explained to him in an email that I had to send to him. 

I mean, this game has become ridiculously complicated. It just used to be that you just got to play FIFA! Now you've gotta send emails. Ohh! Almost! Ya Ya Ya Ya Bamba wanted a second one. Oh, this is fun. I just, I miss this so much! I have to tell you the truth, which is that I didn't feel this the last couple seasons with Swindon. I didn't feel the joy and the love, the love of club... the way that I do now. 

Get it, get it, get it! Ohhh! So this is just, it's tremendously fulfilling. There's an unnecessary slide tackle. Just remind you that I'm still me. Um... so I'm never going to be a football manager. Um... and I'm never going to own a club. But this is, this is something that I kind of- this is a way that I can still live my dream. And so much of life is about that. It's about accepting the things that you're not have and getting excited about the things that you are going to have, like a goal here?! Like a goal here?! Ohhh, it hit my own player! You gotta get out of the way of that, son! You've gotta get out of the way! Ohhh! That was going to be a beautiful goal, but instead, like so much effort in this world, it has come to nothing.

Oh well, still a great showing from the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys including 2 goals after Bald John Green and Other John Green were subbed out, which you have to see as a great sign for the future of the club. Goals from John Green, Ya Ya Ya Ya Bamba and Jacky Midson. Thank you for watching! Sorry Newport County, life is hard and full of disappointment. Best Wishes.