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In which John talks about vistacular views, Yetis, bears, and Daniel Biss. Visit Daniel's web site at


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A Bunny
( - -)
((') (')
Good morning, Hank. It's Friday, August 10th.

Hank, we're in western North Carolina at the Yeti's family reunion. That's why we're walking through the woods! I guess it's also kind of our family reunion since our parents are here too. But... you're not here, so it's not that much of a family reunion. Incidentally, [shifts eyes around quickly] everyone's always like 'why does he keep doing this? Why is he always doing this?' That's just what I do. It's one of my things!

Hank, I'm on the trail of the Yeti and I think I'm getting close. Look, it's a Yeti footprint. Hank, I think I see the Yeti again! There she goes! There she goes! Ahh! We missed her!

Look Hank, it's vistacular... Sometimes I wonder what my experiences would be like if I didn't mediate all of them through a video camera.

Hank, the house in which we are staying has a lot of bears. There's a silhouette of a bear that presumably means "Bears welcome here," which they are not. There are bears in easy chairs. There's bears on the welcome sign. There's a bear clinging desperately to this wooden pole. There's a stuffed bear in a little wicker chair. Little Christmas ornament bears with no Christmas tree. There's even a bear on a swing.

I can't help but think that all this cute fetishizing of bears is making the bears mad. If there's one distinct group of organisms I don't want to anger, it's bears. They'll be all like, "I am not a little guy that swings in a swing. I am a huge five hundred pound animal. My claws could tear out your heart. I like to eat berries. Lots of berries." You don't want to mess with those guys, Hank. They can eat berries like you read about.

Hank, in other news it looks like I'm going to be eating a blenderized Happy Meal while waxing two of my legs. Or maybe, If you're kind, two of my arms. Although on the other hand, do I want to have stubbly arms? I don't know.

​Hank, to be completely honest, there's no way I ever thought that I was going to have to do that punishment because I didn't think that that many people would give money to Daniel's campaign. I thought it would just be kinda funny and I could laugh about it while I was comfortably eating peeps and waxing a mere one of my limbs. But it turns out that I underestimated the nerdfighters. And let that be a lesson to you everyone, never underestimate nerdfighters.

Hank, I've thought a lot about eating a blenderized Happy Meal and every time I think about it it makes me do this [makes gagging noises]. So I'm looking forward to it. But anyway, Hank, I'm still happy that my punishment can do something to decrease world suck and hopefully something to get Daniel elected. I'd also like to remind everyone that they have until midnight tonight to give money to Daniel's campaign and remember, it's not the amount of a contribution, it's the number of people who contribute. Also, it's the amount of the contribution. By the way, Hank, in going over the donor list I couldn't help but note a glaring absence. YOU. You've got till midnight, Hank. Get on it.

Hank, I hope outside is treating you as well as it's treating me, and I'll see you tomorrow. NO. I'll see you on Monday.