Good morning, Hank, it's the day after you got featured on YouTube, good work! In honor of the recent video you made where you told us 50 jokes in 4 minutes, and also in honor of my first book, Looking for Alaska, which is about a kid who memorizes the last words of famous people, today I am going to share with you the real last words of fifty famous and deceased individuals.

And....go!

George Washington's last words were "'Tis well."

John Adams said, "Thomas Jefferson still survives" which, curiously, wasn't true; Jefferson had died earlier that same day, July 4th, 1826.

Jefferson's last words were "Is it the Fourth?"

When Henrik Ibsen's nurse said, "You seem to be feeling much better today," he said "On the contrary."

Winston Churchhill said "I'm bored with it all."

The Roman emperor Vespasian said "Woe is me, I think I'm becoming a god."

Nero said, "What an artist the world is losing in me." Those Roman emperors sure knew a thing or two about humility.

When Lady Astor woke up from a stupor to find everyone she knew in her room she said, "Am I dying or is this my birthday?" It wasn't her birthday.

The poet Dylan Thomas's last known words were "I've had 18 straight whiskeys; I believe that's the record."

Abraham Lincoln said to his wife, "They won't think anything of it," just before John Wilkes Booth shot him.

Booth's last words were "Useless, useless."

Henry Ward Beecher: "Now comes the mystery."

The Irish playwright Brendan Behan turned to a nun who was drawing his blood and said, "Bless you sister, may all your sons be bishops."

Che Guevara: "Shoot coward, you are only going to kill a man."

Pancho Villa wasn't quite so composed, his last words were "Don't let it end like this, tell them I said something!"

Ben Franklin: "A dying man can do nothing easy."

President Millard Fillmore, after a sip of porridge said, "The nourishment is palatable."

FDR: "I have a terrific headache."

Robert E. Lee: "Strike the tent!"

Civil War Union general John Sedgwick was staring across the Confederate lines and he said, "They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist-"

Confederate general Stonewall Jackson said, "Let us cross over the river and rest under the shade of those trees."

Charles Darwin said, "I am not in the least afraid to die."

The Enlightenment writer Voltaire, when asked on his death bed to repudiate the devil said, "This doesn't seem like a good time to be making enemies."

Gene O' Neill said "I knew it, born in a hotel room, and, dammit, dying in a hotel room."

Elizabeth Barrett Browning when asked how she was feeling, said "Beautiful."

Emily Dickinson said "I must go in, the fog is rising."

The writer Paul Claudel wasn't quite so symbolically resonant, his last words were "Doctor, do you think it was the sausage?"

O'Henry: "Turn up the lights, I don't want to go home in the dark."

Oscar Wilde, dying in a garishly decorated hotel room, famously said, "Either that wallpaper goes, or I do."

Tolstoy said, "The truth is I care a great deal how they-" and then died before finishing the sentence.

The writer Lope de Vega, told he was about to die, said, "Alright then, I'll say it. Dante makes me sick."

When John Field was dying, he was asked whether he was a Papist or a Calvinist, and he answered "I am a pianist."

Queen Elizabeth? "All of my possessions for a moment in time."

W.C. Fields - and I'm going to tone this down for any little nerdfighter ears - said, "Gosh darn the fracking world and everyone in it but you, Carlotta" which sounds romantic until you learn that his wife was named Hattie. Carlotta was his mistress.

Franz Kafka, begging for a morphine overdose said, "Kill me, or else you are a murderer."

After a doctor told him that the angels were waiting for him, General Ethan Allen said, "Waiting, are they? Well, let 'em wait." and then he died.

Peter Pan author J.M. Barrie said, "I can't sleep." ...Yes you can.

Pablo Picasso: "Drink to me."

Malcolm X: "This is a house of peace."

When he was asked if he had any parting words of wisdom, the hotelier Conrad Hilton said, "Leave the shower curtain on the inside of the tub." Which is good advice, although in retrospect I would've preferred it if he had said "Never let my granddaughter Paris in front of a video camera."

The economist John Maynard Keynes said "I wish I had drunk more champagne."

The famous Australian outlaw Ned Kelly pulled a Vonnegut and said "So it goes."

Edgar Allan Poe? "Lord help my poor soul."

Second City founder Del Close said, "I'm tired of being the funniest person in the room."

Walt Whitman? "Shift, shift!"

Thomas Edison said, "It's very beautiful over there."

George Bernard Shaw? "Well, it'll be a new experience, anyway."

H.G. Wells: "Go away, I'm alright."

Daniel Webster? "I still live."

And finally, Beethoven: "Friends applaud, the comedy is over."

Hank, I'll see you tomorrow.