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In which John takes the "Who Is Your YA Boyfriend?" quiz. The Wimbly Womblys take on Brighton & Hove Albion.

The quiz:

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Hello and welcome to Hank Games Without Hank. My name is John Green, I'm the manager of the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys. Today taking on Brighton and Hove Albion. Great club with a great history, and a great culture. Nothing bad to say about Brighton, or Hove, or Albion's.

(0:16) Um, today we're gonna talk about my YA boyfriend. Is that right, Meredith? I'm gonna take a quiz today. Where's this quiz from? BuzzFeed? It's from tressugar. As in very sugar? Wouldn't that be très sucre? I don't wanna brag about how much high school French I had, but- anyway, don't like to criticize website names- anyway, we're gonna find out who my YA boyfriend is gonna be, from YA novels. Young adult novels. Um. I write them! I love them. And we're gonna find out who my YA boyfriend is.

(0:43) But first, let me give you a quick update. AFC Wimbledon in ninth place, as you can see! Um, and as you can also see, no John Green or John Green on the bench or in the starting eleven, because John Green and John Green went directly from the last game to an airplane and flew Air Ethiopia direct from London to Addis Ababa, and this is very exciting!

(1:09) So it should be, uh, three games that they're away - maybe just two games. We don't know yet. But they are off, and hopefully coming back home with their baby! Their beautiful baby girl. I saw pictures yesterday. Very exciting! Sorry, I get my cute voice when I get to thinking about John Green and John Green's baby. This is something they've wanted for a long time, and I'm very excited for them.

(1:32) It's a little bit like blue on blue action today. But everything's gonna be fine, I don't know why you guys are worried.

 The first question

(1:38) Alright Meredith, what's my first question? What quality do I look for in a significant other? Ohhh, I look for goals! I definitely look for the quality of Who? Deeney goals! Ohhhh. I don't even- I- what? Hmm, hmm, hmm. Who? Deeney. Who? Deeney songs... You know, I was just thinking that a good one for him would be um, uh, I don't know. Watch out boys, she'll chew you up? I don't know. I still don't- anyway, we need a better Who Deeney song. But for now, we'll just go who? Deeney!

(2:11) Great job, Deeney. Somebody uh, by the way, he was out late last night, and uh, but you know. Deeney... He's such a professional. He's such a professional. He doesn't let it get to him, even when he's had maybe a little bit too much to drink the night before. Do you know any professionals like that, Meredith? No, me neither.

(2:28) Um, so what is the- what was my question? What qualities do I look for in a guy? Um... Sense of humor. Uh, I mean, definitely, you know, I've gotta be physically attracted to someone to date them, but like, mostly... And- uh, someone who's really, really smart. Uh, blisteringly smart. Witty. Kind of maybe even a little caustic, uh, if you know what I mean.

(2:53) Speaking of knowing what I mean... Ooooh! Dicko! Dicko, Dicko, Dicko! (sings) A Wimbly Wombly scored a goal, and Dicko was his name, oh! D-I-C-K-O! D-I-C-K-O! D-I-C-K-O! And Dicko was his name, ohhh! (talks) Full points, by the way, to Who? Deeney for giving up a sure-fire goal, because there was a slightly better chance that Dicko was going to score in that situation. Really good stuff from Who? Deeney. That's the kind of selflessness we look for in the Wimbly Womblys.

(3:27) And suddenly, two nil against Brighton and Hove Albion, in just the fifteenth minute. Domination recently, from our friends the Wimbly Womblys, don't you think, Meredith? I mean, this has been incredible. So, did that answer your question? Alright.

 Second question

(3:39) What else? What would my guy wear? Um... I like, I like just sort of like a, a t-shirt, a really comfortable cotton t-shirt, when I'm like- so that when like, my face is pressed against his upper- lower shoulder, upper chest region, you know that, right here. What is that called? Right here. Under the collar bone? Right under the collar bone. You know what that is? Huh? No, upper-peck. But like, I feel like when you put your head right on the peck, it's kinda weird. Don't you? It's like too pillowy. No? For me, it is.

(4:12) Um. So whatever that is, right below the collar bone, that's where I like to be. Um. Anyway yeah, a nice comfortable cotton t-shirt. Nothing like uh, is this about... What are my options? Is comfortable cotton t-shirt on there? Yeah, that picture of a t-shirt. Yeah, that more than a hoodie. Although I like a good hoodie... But, I don't know. I'm old now, man. I prefer t-shirts to hoodies, I think. Um, I'd want- I'd want- my ideal YA boyfriend would be in his mid-thirties, so I don't know if that's gonna affect things.

 Third question

(4:43) Alright, what's next? What was I like in high school? I was pretty nerdy. But- you know, not like... I don't know, I don't buy the sort of like, simple cliques thing. Like, I wasn't simply a nerd. And I wasn't simply in a nerdy clique or anything. That's a great opportunity to pass to Dicko. Ohhh, but it doesn't come through.

(5:06) Um. I wasn't simply nerdy. I was sort of like, nerdy but happy, I guess? At least by my junior/senior year. Is that a reasonable- you got one of those?

 Fourth question

(5:17) Alright, what's next? Favorite quote? Well, you gotta tell me what the quotes are. Are any of them- um, "my faults are stars I cannot fathom into constellations"? No. Are any of them, "okay? okay." (laughs) Is it- anything that I wrote? No, there's nothing I wrote (laughs) that's a stinger! (laughs) Now I look like a narcissist!

(5:41) Um, okay, well based on what you know about me, what are my likely favorites? Oh, "the fault, dear Brutus, is not in the stars but in ourselves"! I basically wrote that. I mean, Shakespeare technically wrote it, but I repurposed it! Um, I don't like that quote though, because I think the fault, dear Brutus, is precisely in our stars! Although not in the case of Cassius and Brutus but like, you know, in the case of most of us, there's tons of fault in the stars!

(6:09) Anyway, I think that's a- I don't wanna criticize tressucre, but I don't think that's a good quote if you're trying to connect to the fault in our stars, I don't think that's a good quote.

(6:17) Anyway, what else would I like? Ohhh, the Gatsby quote? Very much so, yes. "We beat on, boats against the current." um, "ceaselessly born into the past" or something. Is that what it was? "Born back ceaselessly into the past". God, it's good! No, ceaselessly. Ceaselessly is such a good word. Like, it's just- it sounds right, you know? It sounds ceaselessly.

(6:36) Um. There's some words like that, that uh, that Fitzgerald uses, that are like, almost fit a meter. Um, almost fit like a jazz era meter. Like, he invented that- the sound- the literary sound of the jazz age. Like, just when you read it out loud. "In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice I've been mulling over ever since" or whatever. Like, it just- "turning over in my mind ever since". It was turning. It's even stronger than mulling. Turning. Turning ov- anyway, it's really good. He's much better than I am. I would like to be him when I grow up. Um. But I won't be.

 Fifth question

(7:17) What's next, Meredith? Now I'm feeling sad about what a shitty writer I am. Oh, I cursed! Frick! Uhhh. No, don't bleep it. It's fine. People should know. People should know. Alright, what's next? What? What? What? Half time? Oh, half time. Okay. I always score two easy goals, and then it gets difficult.

(7:36) What's up? "I'm being followed by someone who wishes me harm. What does he do?" Well, there's a lot of things that he could do, if he wants to harm me! He could- oh, what does my ideal guy do when someone is wishing to harm me! I was like, oh, I mean gosh, there are lots of ways that you could make me scared and miserable. I don't know. (laughs) My ideal guy wouldn't do any of that weird shit- stuff. Gosh, I'm so cursey today! Oh, I apologize to the young fans of the Wimbly Womblys.

(8:10) Oh, that was a nice ball! Oh, my goodness. And look at Dicko. Dicko's on a run! Dicko, Dicko, Dicko, Dicko, Dicko! No. No. Offside. Ohhhh, I didn't pass it to Dicko in time. Look, he's trying to hold up his run, Meredith. He's desperately trying. But I just- I needed to pass. I needed to pass first time to him. Ohhh (sighs) it's devastating.

(8:31) What? Um. I mean, I don't really believe in like, physical altercations. I think that um, this person would just make it clear. First off, in an ideal world, this person would allow me to take care of myself, instead of like, furthering this idea that uh, you know, women need men to protect them or whatever. But um, no, I think that uh, he would slay with words. Is that an option? Yeah, I'm a big believer in slaying with words when possible.

(8:59) Ohhh, Dicko's upset, 'cause he knows he should've had a goal there. And then Deeney just erm, he just apparated.

 Sixth question

(9:07) Uh, okay. What's the next question? House, apartment, beach house... Well, I love a good beach house. Um, are any of these people wealthy? Because I like wealth. Uh, castle? No. Not a cas-oooo-oooh! Who? Deeney! Who? Deeney! Ohhh, it was beautiful! What a pass! What- I mean, this is just... God, the football right now just makes me love being alive. Look at that one time! From Who? Deeney!

(9:44) Ohhh, they're just giving us a little bit too much space, the Hove Albion's. Oh, man, this is fun! I love football. Sometimes man, sometimes this game makes me so happy, that even though I'm recovering from meningitis, I just wanna play it all the time. Um. But then I get a headache and I stop.

(10:01) Alright. Um, I'm gonna say beach house or something like that. Oh no! Off the post. No worries. Um, would beach house work? I love a good beach house. Man, I wonder who my YA boyfriend is, because I think I've answered a different YA boyfriend for each possible answer.

 Seventh question

(10:20) How does my guy usually handle jealousy? Uh, calmly. And... Without being a douche about it. Is that an option? "He has bigger things to worry about?" Not really that, I mean, I want- I hope, like, I don't know. I don't want jealousy in and of itself to really be a thing. Like, if there's a reason to be jealous, that's one thing, but I feel like jealousy often sort of masks weird, bad, abusive behavior, don't you? No? You don't- oh, I gave up a goal because I was looking to you because we were talking about jealousy! I blame you for this, Meredith!

(10:58) You get really jealous? Of boys? Like, talking to other boys and girls? Oh, wow. See, I don't- I never got really- I was never a jealous type. I always thought it was- I mean, you know, what's the point if you can't- I mean, I don't know. If it's- to me, jealousy is only indicative of a problem, if there is an actual problem. And if there is an actual problem, then like, that's something that you need to discuss with your partner openly. Anyway, I guess "he has better things to worry about". Oh, "he doesn't really get jealous". Yeah, that's even better. In a perfect world, he wouldn't even really get jealous.

 Eighth question

(11:36) "Choose a classic novel." Okay, what are my options? To Kill a Mockingbird, great book. Catcher in the Rye. Okay. Hobbit. Wuthering Heights. Catch 22. Many of my favorite books! It's between Catch 22, Wuthering Heights, Catcher in the Rye and To Kill a Mockingbird. I'm gonna say those are my top four. Do I have to get it down to one? Alright, I'm gonna sayyyy... (inhales sharply) Ohhh, I'm gonna say Catcher in the Rye.

(12:03) Come on, Deeney! Ohhh, he's just not quite fast enough. He's a little tired. It's just- he's like, man, I've scored so much, and we're not playing for anything. We've already won the frickin' game, what do you want me to do, Green? And I'm like, I want you to run, Deeney! I know you got drunk last night!

 Ninth question

(12:17) What? What's next? My favorite class in high school? Probably English Literature. Is that an option? Yeah, that was my favorite. Um. They've got a nice sponsorship from American Express, these guys.


(12:30) Um. Alright, we're gonna keep Deeney and Dicko in 'cause we don't really have anyone to substitute out, but like, look how tired the central midfield is. So we're gonna bring on Kaz, as we like to do, and we're gonna bring on the Gaulden child. And then I think we're gonna bring on one defender. We're gonna take off Röcker and bring on girls just wanna have Fundingsrud. And make all three substitutions at once, just like the pros do!

(12:55) Um. Röcker, don't be annoyed. You had a great game. You've got a great haircut. Very handsome! Nicely- nicely put together. Um. Deeney's- Deeney's very good looking, too, but right now you can only see the back of his ears.

 John's YA boyfriend

(13:08) Uh, what's- what was the question? Oh, you know my YA boyfriend! Okay, am I gonna be excited or am I gonna be disappointed? I'm gonna like it? Is it someone I know? For sure? Are you positive? How do you- are you like, are you sure this is a YA book I've read? Okay, what is it?

(13:26) Charlie, from Perks of being a Wallflower?! I love my YA boyfriend! That's a great YA boyfriend! I couldn't be happier! I would totally- I mean, 35-year-old Charlie from Perks of being a Wallflower, I would date in a second! That's a great YA boy- I'm delighted! You're totally right! I'm so happy! Who were my other options, I wonder. Can I find out? Who the other YA boyfriends were?

(13:54) Peeta? I like Peeta, too. I wouldn't have been bummed out if Peeta had been my YA boyfriend. Edward Cullen... That would've upset me a little bit. Augustus?! My Augustus?! I didn't get my own freaking book boy?! Uh, Augustus, and then- that's uh, Four, from um, Divergent. Um, who's a nice- I would be happy with him as my boyfriend.

(14:20) Um. There's really- yeah I'm glad. And then- but not- I'm interested that Gale didn't make an appearance, from Twi- uh (laughs) from the Hunger Games. I feel like Gale- Gale- you know, pre- last Mockingjay book, uh, Gale got a lot of love. And he deserved it. I liked that Gale. I was always on team Peeta, but I liked Gale.

(14:41) Anyway, Charlie, from the Perks of being a Wallflower is my YA boyfriend. And your AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys have emerged victorious, thanks to goals from Dicko and Who? Deeney! Thanks for watching! Best wishes.