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In which John talks about coffee and medical miracles. The Wimbly Womblys play Bournemouth.

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Hello and welcome to Hank Games Without Hank. My name is John Green. I'm the manager of the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys. And I don't know if you can hear it in my voice, but I am feeling much better! That's what today's video is about. It's about medical miracles. Specifically the medical miracle of coffee!

(0:13) Erm, today the Wimbly Womblys are taking on Bournemouth. Born from the mouth of England! I assume that's where the name comes from- I assume that this is the town that erm, maybe where the first king of England was born? The mouth from which he was born? I don't know.

(0:30) But uh, anyway, it's Bournemouth and uh, we're gonna try to defeat them, despite the fact that John Green and John Green, team mates in life and in love, are not with us, because they are in Ethiopia.

(0:40) K Sainte Luce, patron saint of lost crosses: our captain today. Um, John Green and John Green are busy, hopefully picking up their baby! Hopefully meeting their baby!

(0:50) Uh, AFC Wimbledon by the way, eighth place! Twenty five points. Right where we need to be! No hurry, uh... The arc of history is long and it bends towards justice, my friends, so don't be afraid.

(1:01) So I have had meningitis for the last... uh, two and a half weeks. And it sucks. Like, sucks- Gaulden child starting on the bench today. Hells Pells and less Moore uh, anchoring the midfield. In the back we've got Röcker and Ozéia. Uh, that's a Moura finally returning from a lengthy leg injury, and then of course up front, it's the buddy comedy, the greatest buddy comedy in AFC Wimbledon history: Dicko and Deeney.

(1:30) Dicko, just a proud father who loves his kids, loves his wife and loves to read books. And Deeney- oh my God, what an incredible ball! Ohhhhhhh! God! Deeney! Deeney! That was almost an amazing start. Dicko to Deeney, but then Deeney couldn't finish. Um, Deeney might have been out late last night, um, at the bars... Judging from that ball, because it could not have been worse.

(1:57) Okay! So I have had viral meningitis for two and a half weeks, and I've been extremely- oh, ohhh! God! (laughing) All you had to do- all you had to do, Deeney! Golly! Bournemouth by the way, looking to be not particularly good opponents at the moment.

(2:16) Um, I've had meningitis for two and a half weeks. I will get through this story! And it has really, really sucked. I've been miserable, um. And I've had this aching, constant headache, just... Just brutal! I mean, really, really brutal headache. Uh... That's been unlike anything I've ever experienced in my life.

(2:33) And I cannot- I cannot recommend not getting this headache enough. Um. If you uh, do not have this headache right now, I want you to pause and be grateful. If you do have this headache, my condolences. Uh, it must be very- I mean, I know- I know how difficult it is to like, function.

(2:51) So I've been trying desperately to function. What a great ball! What a great ball! And then oooooooh! Dicko! Ooooooh, Dicko! Dicko, Dicko! Ohhhh, (sings) Dicko, Dicko, Dicko, Dicko! Dicko, Dicko, Dicko, Dicko! Dicko, Dicko, Dicko, Dicko! Dick-o just scored a goal!

(3:24) (talks) What a goal from Dicko, and then Dicko! Dicko! Dicko! Dickooooooooo! Dicko! Dicko! (sings) A Wimbly Wombly scored a goal and Dicko was his name, oh! D-I-C-K-O! D-I-C-K-O! D-I-C-K-O! And Dicko was his name, oh! (talks) I swear I have not uh, put the skill level down. Dicko is just that great. And Bournemouth, let's face it, just that not great.

(3:51) Um. So to return to my story, I've had this horrible, horrible headache for two and a half weeks, without pause, twenty four hours a day, that gets much, much worse when I spend a lot of time standing or um, or sitting. And so I've spent a lot of time lying down in the last two and a half weeks. And generally I've just been miserable. Um, and- other than having watched like twelve episodes of Game of Thrones, um, I really have not had any fun in the last few days.

(4:21) And uh, I was beginning to think that maybe this was just going to be forever, and I was going to have to find a way to like, Dicko? (screaming) Dicko! Dicko! (laughing) Dicko! Dicko! I'm out of songs! (sings) Dicko, Dicko, Dicko, Dicko! (laughs as he talks) This is Meredith's favorite! (sings) Dicko, Dicko, Dicko, Dicko! Dicko, Dicko, Dicko, Dicko! Dick-o just scored a goal!

(4:48) I mean, he has a hat-trick in the twenty sixth minute! Dicko! That was not a foul! Oh, it was a little bit- I was a little bit late! Maybe a white card? No. It's yellow. Deeney! Deeney still- by the way, has not quite caught up to the pace of the game after his uh, after his going out last night. But who can be mad at him?

(5:08) Uh, Dr Aaron Carroll's here. I'm telling the story of my medical caffeine miracle, but I still am like, one tenth of the way into the story because Dicko can't stop scoring! Oh, look at Dicko! Is he gonna do an assist now? He wants an assist! He told me he wanted an assist! (shouts) Deeney! (laughing) Oh, God. Deeney is so bad today! Off the post. Off the cross-bar.

(5:28) Did you get to finish recording or did I ruin everything? Uh, so you're still recording? It's just- you guys had to stop? Oh, you're done! Okay, good. I thought that you guys might have to stop because I was being so loud.

(5:39) So I was- anyway, I've been feeling awful for two and a half weeks. Like, I think, you know- it just sucked. Then I was in Birmingham, Alabama, my home town, over the weekend, and I had a miserable plane flight, um, you know... Miserable trying to take care of the kids with this like pounding, endless headache... And um, you know, trying to lie down when I could. Uh oh, we gave up a goal! But it doesn't matter, because we're winning by so much. Anyway, congratulations to Grabban. Um. It's funny because they're grabbing him.

(6:08) Uh, and... I was in Birmingham, and my father-in-law's a doctor, and he was like, I looked it up, and I think that your headache might be related not necessarily completely to the meningitis, but also partly to having low cerebral spinal fluid, because you had a spinal tap and maybe you have a little bit of like, a drip, and the spinal fluid is like, coming out of your body.

(6:30) Dickooooooo! (sings) A Wimbly Wombly scored a goal and Dicko was his name, oh! D-I-C-K-O! D-I-C-K-O! D-I-C-K-O! And Dicko was name, oh! (talks) That was just freaking beautiful. And then Dicko did the uh, moustache! Um, to honor Bald John Green, who is currently in Ethiopia, uh, hopefully adopting a baby with his beautiful husband, John Green.

(7:03) Um. So... Right. He was like, I think you might have a low cerebral spinal fluid headache, because it gets worse when you stand a lot et cetera. And then he was like, so I want you to do something a little weird. When you go home, I want you to- the next morning, I want you to have like five shots of espresso. And I'm not a coffee drinker! Not a- I don't know if you guys have hung out with me that much, but I don't- I'm not someone who really needs caffeine. I've got a lot of energy, um... I don't like to freak my- freak people out by being on caffeine, because then I kinda, I come too hard. Um, speaking of coming too hard! (laughs) Did you see that?! That was just great defense! Also, context is everything.

(7:44) Um... And uh, yeah. So um, so I had my five shots of espresso, and I felt almost immediately much, much better! Uh. I don't know- there's some- caffeine crosses the blood-brain barr-I don't know. Dr Carroll's a doctor. Why did it happen? He doesn't know. He says caffeine constricted my spinal cord. That's what he said. He did! I heard him say that. He didn't say that. He said- he said he doesn't really know.

(8:16) But anyway! I still have a headache, but oh my God, my headache is so much better! How is it only half time?! Ohhhh, it was just Dicko, Dicko, Dicko, Dicko in the first half! It was all Dicko all the time! The last time that I enjoyed that much Dicko was years ago! It was beautiful! Um... Look at this! Just... I mean, he's just such a finisher. And Deeney had two great chances - it could have been six-nil! Deeney should have scored twice!

(8:44) Um... It's just... What a wonderful half of football from the Wimbly Womblys. Pure, unadulterated joy. Poor Bournemouth, suffering um... Somehow they did score a goal. So good on Bournemouth! But yeah, they're just- they're not- it's not gonna happen for them.

(9:00) So yeah! Um. This was a- I mean, I had started to think that maybe it was just gonna last, yeah, forever. And I'm just so- I mean, if I sound overjoyed right now, it's just because I'm so, so, so happy that I'm feeling a little bit better. It's funny, because- with the current level of headache that I have, I would rank it as one of the, you know, three worst headaches of my life probably, before meningitis - pre-meningitis headaches.

(9:28) Oh, get it! Get it, Deeney! Get it! Deeney, cut back! Ohhhh, Deeney! Still just- he's not on his game. We've got- Deeney and I are gonna have a talk after this, about how- you see what Dicko did when he stayed home with his wife and family? Maybe you should have made different choices last night, because Deeney... He just likes to party!

(9:46) And I support that, I think it's great- you know, we take all kinds here at the Wimbly Womblys. Um, you know, it's not like I believe that everybody has to um, you know, go home and lead a monogamous life every night, and um... (laughing) I said monogamous, I meant monk-like. What's that word? Uh... Whatever. Not monogamous (laughs).

(10:09) Um. But uh. Oh! That was a very late tackle. We're gonna go- we're gonna be getting a yellow card for that one! Oh no! We can't go- it can't be four-two! Don't call it! Don't call it! Are you seriously gonna call a penalty?! Buxton got a yellow card. Undeserved. And then I think that it might have just called a penalty. No, it's a corner kick. Everything is fine!

(10:29) Um. But yeah. Anyway, this made me think about a lot of things. One, that um, I think that we have a habit as humans of catastrophizing a lot of times, which is when we assume that things that are bad are just going to last forever and will never improve. Um, and of course, we never think that about things that are good. That's a nice ball to Deeney! Deeney can't track it down! Not fast enough!

(10:55) Um. But uh, I do think that we are kind of, as a species, catastrophizers, although I'm probably somewhat worse than most. I definitely was starting to think that maybe it was just going to be forever, and that's catastrophizing.

(11:09) Um. The other thing it made me think about is that often, the medical interventions that work are very inexpensive! Um... I saw that in Ethiopia, and then I saw it in my own life when um, caffeine worked where, you know, Vicodin wasn't.

(11:25) Um. Yeah! So hopefully now I'm just gonna be better. And I'm gonna be a better Wimbly Wombly player. I think we can all agree that I've had a much better game today, although I need to make some substitutions. For one thing, I wanna bring off Dicko because I want him to get the support from the crowd that he so deserves.

(11:43) I mean, I just- oh, we're gonna bring on Mohsen Mohsen, who's never played a game for the Wimbly Womblys. And I think we're gonna bring on, um, maybe little Kaz. No, ya Bamba! Ya Bamba! I mean, wouldn't it be great if this- it would just be Meredith's dream situation if this game ended with a ya Bamba goal, because then she would get to hear all of her favorite songs!

(12:06) And Kaz. Tiny little Kaz, coming on, um, for uh, who's he come on for? I don't know. Less Moore, Hells Pells... Who knows! Um. Whoever was tired.

(12:19) Ooooh, oooh! God, that was almost perfect. So the other- yeah, so... I think like, a lot of times- it was funny, because I benefited I think, a lot, from the very expensive healthcare that I got in uh, um, from the wonderful people who took care of me when I had meningitis and I was in the hospital, but um, I also benefited a lot from a very inexpensive intervention, in the form of caffeine.

(12:40) Alright, we're gonna make all three substitutions at once, just like the professionals do it. Um, and I think they're gonna make substitutions also. I think- Elphick is coming off. Um. He's a handsome man!

(12:50) Just- partial- his eyes were closed for like, a minute. He has- he's a very long blinker! (laughs) But he's- everybody has a flaw, Meredith! Um, you know! (laughs) I'm tired of you holding us to unfair blinking standards! It's typical (laughs) women- women keep objectifying men for their quick blinks! It's all I ever hear about- blink faster, baby!

(13:12) Um, yeah. I constantly get cat-called on the street for my sweet, hot fast blinks! Um. Yes, it's hard out there for a blinker, um, male blinker.

(13:23) Um... Gosh. It's four-one. We're just enjoying ourselves. It might be four-two now. It is! Nobody cares, MacDonald! We already won! It's bad for goal difference I guess, but we just had such a fantastic Dicko game! It's hard to be upset.

(13:40) Oh, and then ya Bamba, not with his best work. He's not gonna have a very high score, since that was his only touch of the game. Oh, and then he made an interception! Great job, ya Bamba. Just showing the kind of man that he is.

(13:52) That's a nice pass! That's a nice pass! Nope. Didn't work. Tried a lot of the uh, overhead volleys today, or overhead through-balls - whatever they're called. You know - holding that one button and hitting Y. And it doesn't work great.

(14:04) Seb Brown hasn't had a great game. Zero saves, gave up two goals... But! Um, you know, he has good games when he needs to. That's the thing about Seb. He knew he didn't have to score.

(14:14) Ooooh, that would have been a good time to get a through-ball to ya Bamba. Ya Bamba scores a goal and then we would've gotten to sing all my favorite songs. But! Life is hard and full of disappointments. You don't always get what you want in this world!

(14:24) But you do always get- (screaming) ooooh, why would you end the game now?! (talks) Oh, come on! I had a free run on goal with tiny little- Kaz, I think? Anyway, it doesn't matter.

(14:35) We're all congratulating Seb Brown, despite the fact that he made zero saves today. Forced to look at Callum Kennedy's hideous, hideous haircut...

(14:40) But look at that beautiful score line! Dicko, Dicko, Dicko, Dicko. Four-two! Wimbly Womblys win, Bournemouth loses! Thank you for watching! Best wishes.