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Want to drink what we were drinking? It was a "Love Over Money Malbec"
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[Opening wine bottle using electric corkscrew; cork pops out]

John: Boop!

Hannah: Da boo-boop!

John: I would listen to it, and then I would be like, "Hello!" And Sarah would be like, you sound like Barbara Streisand.


Hannah: (signing) Hello! [John laughs]

John: (holding pizza tray) Is it pizza, or is it heaven?

Hannah: Best-moment-of-your-life-dot-com!

Or as I like to call it, one giant Lunchable! [laughs]

[My Drunk Kitchen intro title, music]

Hannah: This week I'm joined by author/beauty queen--

John: Too, too slow.

Hannah: Is that not good?

John: This week I'm joined by author/novelist-- well, I guess really not both...

[Text appears: JOHN GREEN writer, author/novelist, wordsmith, etc.]

Hannah: Dink. Cheers! (in poor British accent)

[Hannah and John clink glasses, take a sip]

John: Alright, we're gonna make pizza because, I don't know if you know it, but I'm a big fan of pizza.

Hannah: He's a big fan of pizza, and he's a big fan of John, so we're gonna invent the My Drunk Kitchen Pizza John! If only he was dressed more appropriately for the occasion!

John: PIZZA?! [John and Hannah looking at his Pizza John shirt]

Hannah: JOHN?!

[John laughs]

John: I just want this. [sipping some wine]

Hannah: The Love Over Money Malbec? It's good.

[Hannah fiddling with her ring, drops it into the sink]

John: Oh god!

Hold on, Pizza John wants some. [Holds glass up to shirt, tilts it towards him slightly]

Hannah: (laughing) Pizza John, slow down!

We have to start kitchen right now.

John: Ooookay! We have real pizza dough, but, what we've been doing is... [Hannah grabs child stool, stands on it] You know, she's lying. She's lying about her height. It's-- this is a lie!

So we have like a third of this pizza crust, and then we also have this pre-made pizza crust, and what we're gonna do is we're just gonna make all the pizzas.

Hannah: All the pizzas!

John: All the pizzas.

Hannah: High-five John!

[High-five each other with the pre-made crusts]

John: One more time

Hannah: OK. High-five John!

[High-five each other again, more successfully]

John: Yeah!

Hannah: Yeah!

Here, I'll put them right here.

John: Mmmm, no, we gotta put them on a pan.

Hannah: He's getting panned by the critics, I'll tell you that much. People like puns!

John: Mmmm (disapprovingly)

I have good news and bad news: the good news is that people love you.

Hannah: But they don't like puns?

John: That's the bad news.

Hannah: Guys, this pizza is getting sauced! Am I right?

[They laugh]

John: Anybody?

Hannah: Anybody?

John: No?

Hannah: Bueller?

John: Now it's awkward...

Hannah: (holding pan up to chest) Is there like a boobies joke?

John: Is there?!

Hannah: Um, you know the great thing about pizza sauce is, John, is that it smells just like Spaghetti-O's.

[They laugh]

John: Can I read you the ingredients?

Hannah: Sure.

John: Tomato purée, soybean oil, salt, spices?!-- Which fucking ones?

[Hannah laughs]

Hannah: [Grabs bag of shredded cheese from John] I got it man, don't worry about it.

OK, wait, I have jokes I wrote down. Wait a second. [John laughs] What I really regret is that I think we should've made a Baked Alaska and then hid it.

John: [laughing] How will we find it?

Hannah: I don't know, we'd better go looking for Alaska.

John: We better go looking for Alaska...

Hannah: Aw man, you know what? They say that alcoholism real bad, but I think the fault is in our bars. [John laughs] I just came up with that.

John: You know who I envy?

Hannah: Who?

John: The people who get to spend all day with you in the RV.

Hannah: You should envy them, because they are given a gift!

[They laugh]

John: They are.

Hannah: Check your cheese for poison, with your mouth!

John: Check your-- aumm (eats cheese) Poison free.

[Holding Henry] How many pepperonis should we put on the pizza?

Henry: Two.

John: Two?

Hannah: Two?

Henry: Yeah.

John: We have one, two. Should we put more on or is that good?

Henry: No, you that two and that one.

Hannah: Oh, ok.

John: You want two on this one...

Hannah: Two on this one, too. (To Henry) How many is that total?

[No response]

John: What do we need on this?

Henry: Happy face.

John: A happy face?!

Henry: Mhmm.

John: Yeah, we need to do some work to make it a happy face. How are we gonna do that?

Henry: Um, let's add some more.

John: Add some more?

Hannah: More pepperoni for a happy face! Can someone say prodigy?

John: You know what these guys are happy about, by the way?

Hannah: What?

John: The fact that they don't have noses. Waste of time.

Hannah: Waste of time! I can sleep with my mouth open!

[They laugh; drink some more wine]

Hannah: It seems like your pizza-- It's super great. Um, maybe we should add all the stuff I bought, though.

[John laughs]

John: Onions. Oooooooonions.

Hannah: Hmm! Boop! [they drink] Great, we're also gonna add artichoke hearts, because, uh, you know...

John: We wanna ruin the pizza.

Hannah: Because this is art and joke - Harts.

John: Boooo!

Hannah: Minced garlic!

[John struggles to open jar]

Hannah: Do you want me to open--

John: Excuse me, could you open that for me, please?

Hannah: For sure.

[Hannah struggles to open jar]

John: G'oh! (to Sarah) Can you try it, try it real quick? You don't have to open it all the way.

Hannah: I'll block the baby with my head.

Sarah: This is just a lure, just to get the belly on screen.

[Opens jar with ease; Hannah and John yell in "surprise"]

Hannah: Pregnancy is the miracle of life!

John: Are you a human or a god?

Can we have a mushroom?

Hannah: The best part about this pizza is all the ingredients on top are fully cooked.

John: [laughs] It's true!

Hannah: This oven needs a pizza, John. (or Pizza John)

John: Ay-Oh!

Hannah: Whooooo! Set the timer!

John: Wait nine minutes!

Hannah: Nine minutes? That's it?

John: Don't set a timer. That's for cowards.

Hannah: Or planners...

[TEXT: White waiting for pizza... bond with future generations!]

John: Henry just made his first pun in his whole life! Henry, what's inside of here?

Henry: PEZ-stachios!

John: PEZ-stachios!?

[TEXT: Henry put pistachios in a Pez dispenser and made PEZ-stacios! #genius...]

Henry: Yeah.

John: PEZ-stachios!?

Hannah: Henry, I love it! Good job, dude! High five. [kept waiting] High five?

Henry: I have a dinosaur piñata.

Hannah: A dinosaur piñata!? That's an abrupt change of subject, but I'm into it.

[Brings out dinosaur piñata, to much excitement]

Hannah: What do you think is inside of him?

Henry: Um, presents.

John and Hannah: Presents!

Hannah: Henry, I'm going to go ahead and say you're an optimist.

Henry: I want the hammer.

Hannah: You want the hammer? Here it comes. [Sarah passes Henry toy hammer]

Henry: Oh, thank you.

Sarah: (Offscreen) You're welcome.

Hannah: Oh, he's very polite. Very polite.

[Henry immediately begins smashing piñata with hammer]

[John laughs]

[TEXT: Pizza!]

[Fire alarm goes off]

John: No one freak out!

Hannah: I'm a hypochondriac! This is the end!

I think I ate piñata. And, la la la, My Drunk Kitchen.

Sarah: Okay. [cuts pizza]

John: Boop!

Hannah: Ew, this pizza's weird.

John: It's hot on the bottom, but it's kind of cold as well. It's not - I'm going to throw it out there, this is like a pizza that you would make if you were drunk.

Hannah: Om, om nom. Whoever you are, wherever you are, just remember: if your friends are laughing with you and not at you, then they're probably people that really like you. [John grabs Hannah] Boo boo-boop.

John: Boo boop!


Hannah: You know, I feel like everybody's picture of the Internet is that it's a very solitary, lonely thing, but mine is the opposite; I actually think that it's about bringing people together.