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Last sync:2022-11-06 19:15
In which Hank hunts for his lost nipple-less girlfriend

Okay! So, I totally failed at the thing that I was going for, uh, I did not kill the Captain, but I'm going to just do the mission now... and hopefully kill the captain later. So what's go-- Oh! There's... Caterina! My girl! My no nipples girl! Oh...

(Behold a sight most splendid!) What? Why is it splendid? She is splendid, I agree. (Caterina Sforza, she-whore of Forlì, has at last been brought to heel!) No, what? Who is this woman? (Ha! No one kneels as low as Lucrezia Borgia!) Oh, it's Lucrezia. She actually... I've read, wasn't as bad as people made her out to be. Like, not... this bad. Wow.

(The same will happen to any that defy us!) Okay, well... (Good people of Roma, stay strong! You will be free, your time will come, I swear it!) That's my girl, that's my girl, sing it! I'm gonna save you. I'm gonna save you and have sex with her.

(You are here for Cesare and Rodrigo.) No, I'm not! Caterina's... and she's also my girlfriend! (Perhaps. But kill Cesare and Rodrigo first.) I'm not going to do that. I'm definitely going to, uh, definitely going to prefer saving my girlfriend over killing. Um, definitely. Just so you know.

So, yeah, Borgia tower, blahblahblah. Can I-- Can I go kill that guy now? Are all of his guards back? Ho, man... all his guards are not back. Oh-- Dude, what? Where you going? Ugh. Ugh! Right through the thing! Okay, that's embarrassing. I did not realize that they were such... wusses. 'I'm gonna run away! Eh meh meh meh meh!' 

Ah, excellent, thank you for putting these here. That is... much easier than, uh, the way I was planning on doing this originally, which mostly had to do with stabbing people. Oh, shootballs! D-d-d-- Can you climb this? Good. I would have been really annoyed if you couldn't climb this.

Okay. Let's go. Let's go, Ezio. 'Move within crowds'... great. Wow. Wow, there is a lotta-- a lotta bad guys on the other side of this wall. I'm not the bad guy, they're the bad guys. 'Checkpoint reached'.

Okay... nothing here.  Nothing to see here. Nothing to see here! Move along. Okay, I REALLY don't think I'm gonna be doing what you call 'moving through crowds' in this particular scenario. Okay. yep! Yep! He knows I'm here. So does he. Um, hopefully, though, I can just punch the crap outta you. Oh, I can't be detected?! Oh, well THAT is... that is ridiculous.  Oh, that's my Full Synchronization fail. Oh I thought that that was the completely failed my sync. But I, I'm fine.

I have-- wow, not being detected at all, that sounds very hard. I don't know how I would get that. (Forget the Pope, you answer only to me.) But... isn't your dad the Po- I'm confused. Pretty sure that Cesare's dad was Pope, until 1503. I did a little reading up. (Play along for now, but soon we will have no need of them.) Okay. Is that Cesare? I'm a little confused.

I totally gotta get Catherina! That is totally my primary goal. 'Find a route into the tower'. Well, that's... 'find a route' makes it sound like it's going to be hard. I did not think that was going to work, to be honest, but it did. Hah. That's why you always... why you always climb.
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry, were you dead?, so maybe that's how you avoid detection entirely. Is that, you, uh, you kill them from behind. So... Yeah, you never saw anything. You never-- 'I'm just doin' my job~ I'm just-- I'm just--' Are you gonna stab my thing? No. You're not. Ahah, you're gonna, you're gonna spend some time in here, if that's cool with you.

Ooh! Ezio! Where you going? Where you going? Okay. I think... that that will work... Oh wow. I didn't expect you to catch on that high. Nope, that won't work. I was wrong, about that working. Um... but... luckily there aren't too many bad guys around here and I see a sparkly bit that I can interact with. I see a sparkly bit right over here.

Hello, sparkly bit. So yeah, you're taking me... somehow taking me to where I need to-- What-- That's too many. I don't want to fight all them. Okay-- no-- Ezio, drop. Jeez, man. I don't know where I'm going~ Where I'm going~ I'm totally gonna kill this guy, though~ That seemed like the right plan to me, I don't know why. 

Um, because... I can get on this thing! Right? Good... excellent, this seems like I'm going the right way again. Oh! Whoa! Where you going, buddy? Okay. What? (Aaaah!!) Psssht, haha! That was poorly done, Ezio. (I see him!) You see me? I see you.

Somebody shot me from behind. Ow! Stab him. Stab-- Stabby! Stab stab! Oh, jeez, I just used all of my frickin'... I didn't realize that I still had my throwing knives enabled, so yeah, I just wasted all my throwing knives, and that is, apparently-- This is the best way to get to where I'm going.

Ha-! Haah.... What was that, Ezio? Jump! A little jumpy. Man. Blblblblbl. There's a lot of bad people around... Okay, I'm gonna get to the top of this and then I'm gonna have to stop playing, because I've been playing for way too long and... I'm hungry, and I need to take a shower, and...

Whhhaaat? I didn't like that... Nope. Um... Okay, okay, good, that was better, that was better than last time. Mhm. I didn't realize that this would be so complicated~ This is very complicated~ Okay. I'm surprised that they didn't, like, sound the alarm, as it were.

Okay. (Lucrezia...) Oh, are the-- Oh! What? That's...mmm... that's your gr- that's your sister. That's your sister. That's... your sister. (I rather like it open, myself.) (Oh.) Nahaha. Nawhahahaha. Ah, I was expecting me to make that joke, not you. 

(and he might need some convincing when he returns.) Oh. Wow. (?~8:39) Are you gonna-- You gonna get it on? (You and I spend so little time together, these days.) Wow. Are you... I'm confused, I'm pretty sure you guys are... brother and sister. Just sayin'. Um. (Behave yourself while I am gone.) That, that was wrong even back then. You know, it wasn't like being a cousin in Victorian England, which totally was okay. Charles Darwin married his cousin.

Okay, well, I saw that happen. Now I feel creepy. 'Checkpoint reached', mmkay. Ah! Eh! Eh!! Eeh!!! Haha, that's, that's my assassin noise. I was scared! Eeeeeh! Ooh, I didn't expect to grab onto that. Wha-- 'Assassino!'

Should I jump straight down? Noooooooo! Okay, that is where we are going to end this episode. How did I miss that? Augh. Anyway. Uh, so yes, you will see me. You won't see me. And I won't see you. But you will hear me. Next time on Hank plays Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood. Goodbye.