This episode of sexplanations is sponsored by adamandeve.com, they made it possible for me to talk about sexuality and autism.   [intro card] My name is Lindsey Doe.

I'm a clinical sexologist and doctor of human sexuality. I'm not a medical doctor.
     
I'm also not an expert on autism or neurodiversity. I am not autistic, but I am an educator and I've worked hard with people who are autistic to make this one episode about sex and autism, which could actually be a whole channel!

Almost 2% of the population has autism, a neurological condition characterized by atypical communication, social interactions, and behaviors.

Such as preferring to play alone, difficulty interpreting others' feelings, difficulty navigating social situations, difficulty making eye contact, sensitivity to loud noises and bright lights (sometimes referred to as sensory assaults), repetitive or stereotyped speech and/or movements; like echolalia (which is repeating words or short phrases) and toe walking.

Autism is also marked by focused attention on specific or circumscribed interests, attachment to routines to the point of inflexibility, and touch aversion; rejecting hugs, handshakes, cuddling, etc. These characteristics may be unnoticeable or present to varying degrees; that's the spectrum.

They may also seem challenging for sex and relationships: discomfort in social situations and with making eye contact, not wanting to be touched, right?

Autistics do identify as asexual and lacking in sexual interest more than the general population, but many of them still want sexual activity and/or relationships and they need sexuality and social-sexual education to learn how to pleasure and protect themselves.

Let's see what I can do! How Lindsey helps the autism community get laid!

Imagine your health teacher unrolls a condom over a banana and explains: "This is how you put on a condom to prevent the transmission of sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy." Later, you and your partner want to have protected sex. You're responsible like that, so you manage to unroll a condom onto a banana and put it by the bedside.

Some of you may laugh at this confusion but if you think about it differently, what actually doesn't make sense about this scenario is why anyone would represent an erect penis with a banana.

Why is it socially unacceptable to demonstrate general health protocol on the genitals?! How are we supposed to learn how to put a condom on a penis unless someone shows or explains it without the distraction of fruit?!

If sexual expression and education is designed for allistic minds, people who don't have autism, then it's going to be difficult for people with autism to understand and engage. 

Amy Gravino, an autism sexuality advocate and autistic woman,  speaks about the need for comprehensive sex education for autistic people.

She says: "When it comes to sex education, autistic individuals are often left out of the conversation. Being disabled is messy, confusing, and sometimes painful, but so is sex, and we need the knowledge and tools to make the same choices as our neurotypical peers. To deny autistic people the opportunity to embrace our sexuality is to deny us a part of the human experience."

If we, allistic people, shift a little to be more inclusive, accepting, and compassionate then autistics experience masturbation, vaginal sex, anal, oral, use of pornography, public displays of affections, fantasy, and kinks equally.

And as research shows, they actually assert and fulfill their gender and sexual orientations more. Children with autism are 7 times more likely to be gender variant than neurotypical kids. 1/3 of autistics identify as non-binary. 70% of the general population identifies as heterosexual whereas 70% of the autistic community doesn't. 70% are ace, bi, pan, homo - not hetero!

One hypothesis for this is a higher likelihood of direct communication. Taking things literally is a characteristic of autism and that can include stating one's preferences, making requests, and following instructions. 

Another hypothesis is that social constructs like taboos and shame are less influential at blocking the sexual expression and pleasure for some people with autism. Just like the confusion around putting a condom on a banana, why would you make someone feel bad for their attractions or desires? Yeah, don't.

Another explanation of sexual success for people with autism is that their brains afford the more black and white thinking. So they're more likely to stop unbeneficial experiences or relationships.

You don't like a blowjob, it ends. It's not a good romantic match, say goodbye. This is not the case for everyone, of course.

We are taught, don't hurt someone else's feelings, but choosing to have less experience by waiting or being more selective with partners may mean better experiences.

What are sex and relationship challenges?

There's still an expectation for autistic people to act more neurotypical if they want sex and relationships like everyone else. Suppressing autistic traits like this is called masking. It can work temporarily, but it's also exhausting.

Take, for example, eye contact, which is used by neurotypicals to flirt, release oxytocin, and bond. For an autistic person, Amethyst says, eye contact can be very painful, it's distracting, it immediately scatters your thoughts in a thousand directions, you're unable to focus on what the person is saying because you're trying really hard to make this kind of arbitrary eye contact. You're trying to mask.

Similarly, suppressing one's stims can cause harm. Stimming, short for self-stimulation, can include hand flapping, finger flicking, rocking, swaying, hair twirling, chewing, biting, humming, spinning, and touching one's genitals.

There's a long list of stims, few of which are socially acceptable, even though the socially unacceptable stims feel soothing to the person, relieving stress from over-stimulation so that their brains can function.

If a person prevents themselves from stimming in order to pass as neurotypical, they're satisfying the demands of others to pass at the cost of their need to stim.

It's self-defeating and tiring. There's limited energy! Limited spoons left to date or fornicate and if they do manage it, there's usually a fallout because someone was masking who they really are.

Sometimes, even scripting: using the dialogue and gestures observed in others, seen in movies, shows, or read about in stories to act in more traditional ways rather than as themselves.

So all of this feels like a lose-lose situation. The same pseudo-scientist and de-licensed doctor who proposed vaccines cause autism tried to solve this by prescribing chemical castration to autistic children.

The drug Lupron hadn't been clinically tested for this purpose, increased the risk of heart and bone problems, disrupted puberty, entailed by-weekly shots into the muscle tissue, and cost five thousand dollars a month. Other so-called treatments include electroshock and conversion therapy. No!

Let's try this instead.

Amethyst whom I've learned a lot from in my curiosity around sex and autism, suggests guerilla stimming just impromptu unorganized self-care to normalize autistic movements and sounds. Autism is a variation in the brain expression, not something to fear.

As allistic people what we can do is learn more. Question our own sexual scripts. Like, why is it sexy when a masc person leans against a locker? What is it about lip licking?

These are just human behaviours that we've given meaning to. And the same can apply to stimming. Stimming doesn't have to become a social sexual signal but it shouldn't be a turnoff either.

Troubleshooting sexuality if you are autistic.

If scripting is a part of your autism find media with dialogues and plots that are consensual, watch feminist inclusive shows that model healthy relationships and pay for ethical porn that models negotiation and reciprocity.

If you have a difficult time interpreting tone, ask people you talk to to name the tone at the end of their remark or text.

Like: "I'm teasing you" or "That was genuine". There's a list of tone tags for this purpose so that you can say: "Why are you chewing between my legs right now?". /nm /sx as a sexual request, giving it a non-mad sexual connotation.

Consider BDSM as a community of like-minded people. With some research, you can find members who are consent-focused, adhere to rules accommodate disabilities, and respect nonverbal communication.  BDSM also specializes in sensation play that allows people to indulge in known controllable sensations or sensory deprivation, if you're feeling overstimulated.

You can get sexy black earplugs, black eye covers or full mask to block out smells that might be disruptive. Sleep sacks or latex rubber vacuum beds can provide constant consistent pressure like a weighted blanket without the weight.

As Sj Cottrell puts it, textures can be really challenging and there are some unusual textures during intimate encounters. Please be patient. (aka, why can I not think about kissing you while sitting on this scratchy couch.)  On Twitter, Polyphilia says, group sex has been more enjoyable as an autistic person than one on one sex, if I feel overwhelmed and need to tap out to rest, everyone can continue without me it's so much less pressure that way.

And an important strategy across the board is to communicate. Even if you don't do it with your mouth parts try to express what you need and what you're afraid of. Show your limits or ask someone who knows you well to share those with others.

Michiel adds, "It takes a lot of patience, there needs to be trust, but when it works you'll have one very attentive partner."

The Organization for Autism Research has an online guide for sexuality called sex ed for self-advocates. It's tailored to autism. It uses really direct language and has complimentary videos.

You can also connect with others who have autism and start a sex education group together, learn with each other about anatomy and physiology maybe even go on practice dates with one another to get feedback and suggestions.

Most importantly, stay curious. Really, if you don't know something, it's usually okay to ask. You deserve to learn and hopefully, you'll find someone who can give you honest answers or point you in the direction of a better resource.

I've included some of the resources that have been helpful to me in the description.

A big thanks to our sponsor adamandeve.com. Adamandeve is a company that makes and distributes sex toys to enhance your sex life.

These are the toys that I picked out for sex and autism. 

This one is petite, it is smooth, I think it's pretty. You can put it up against the clitoris the nipples, any part of the body really and it will do a light [pauses] "purring" on that area.

There's also a wave feature. I can't tell if it's sucking. Are you sucking? You're definitely purring. I like that. Very subtle. Like tiny little kisses. You're not into kissing, maybe not? But not tons of vibration. Not gonna overstimulate in that way.

This one I like for the same reason. I don't have to hold something that is vibrating. So if I have a sensitivity to that movement or even the sound, I can keep it further away from my body, just dangling on my clit. I've talked about this toy before but I think it's important to bring up today.

The last one is a sleeve. Three. Triplets, shower strokers. So, this one called pussy, is a vaginal opening. This one is a mouth. This one is an ass or the anus, it comes out of the buttocks.

So, take it in the shower or not. You could have a condom on the penis, you'd have lube and you're going to insert that erectile tissue into the orifice, sliding in and out for stimulation. There are ribs on the inside. That feels amazing. And I love how the suction really gives this impressive sensation of penetration.

I'm a big fan. I feel a little intimidated, like, my body is not capable of this kind of magic.  This is a great object for self stim or sex stim. Do it in private. This is something for you to do in your room or the bathroom to relieve some of the tension in your body.

You can also use it for masturbation which even though they're similar in behaviour, can have a very different purpose. You can get these or many other toys at adamandeve.com.

When you go to checkout, please use the code DOE, d-o-e, my last name so that you can get fifty percent off one eligible item, plus free shipping on your whole order to the US and Canada. [outro song]

Weee! I want to get people laid if they want that. I just farted.