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Pizzamas is ALMOST OVER:
In which John answers real questions from real nerdfighters. Topics discussed include breathing, writing, memory, and living with 100 tiny neurotic people.
Sarah's book You Are An Artist:
The cow hoof sanding channel in question:

p.s. It was yellow. The lamborghini was yellow.

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Good morning, Hank, it's Thursday. Pizzamas is hurtling toward its conclusion, which means that all the amazing Pizzamas stuff, including this truly extraordinary t-shirt is available only for a couple more days at
Frontload the promo.

It's Question Thursday, the day that I answer real questions from real nerdfighters. Let's get right to it.

"Favorite Pizzamas merch?"

I mean, it's all incredible, but this Pizza John zine, where all these people drew Pizza John from memory; it's magic. Also, I absolutely love this blanket! I mean, sometimes I marvel not just at the existence of Pizzamas, but at its longevity. Like, how is a ten-year-old joke getting funnier?

"Would you rather have one John-sized pizza, or a hundred pizza-sized Johns?"

I feel like the one hundred pizza-sized Johns has both more potential risk and more potential reward. Like, on the one hand it might be stressful to have one hundred tiny, neurotic people inside my house all the time, but on the other hand, maybe they can do some of my work for me? Actually, the more I think about it, the one hundred pizza-sized Johns are going to be way more trouble than they're worth. I'm going to pick the pizza. I should always just pick the pizza.

"Do people ever tell you that your head looks bigger in person?"

Not that I can recall. Most people, when they meet me for the first time, don't comment on my appearance at all, which, by the way, is probably the way to go in such encounters.

"What does your late-night YouTube look like?"

I watch a lot of this guy sanding cow hooves. I don't know why; I'm not particularly interested in the field of sanding cow hooves, but I also can't stop watching.

"How's your brother, Dave?"

Oh, you know Dave; he's just kind of doing Dave stuff. I used to feel bad for Dave because he didn't have a twitter and a YouTube and all that, but now I think maybe he just achieved enlightenment.

"Is there more to love than just chemicals?"

Probably not, but, you know, really good chemicals.

"Why did you stop making videos about un-erotic giraffe sex?"

Okay, so first off, there is no other kind of giraffe sex. But secondly, this gets at something that's pretty personal and deep, which is that I look at myself from twelve years ago and I think, "Oh, goodness, did he want to be popular". And then I got enough of that to want it less.

"Best fact you learned this week?"

I signed up to have Hank text me a terrible pizza joke every day of Pizzamas, and in the one from yesterday, I learned that the musician, P!NK, worked at Pizza Hut, which is, like, not a particularly interesting or important fact, but it's also the only fact I can remember learning in the past week. Why do I know the color of the rented Lamborghini that Justin Bieber was arrested in a decade ago but I don't know the name of, like, my children's classmates' parents? Like, I look at them and I'm like, "I know that we have been introduced countless times, and your name is... Jim?" I always think it's "Jim", but it's never "Jim". What was the question? P!NK worked at Pizza Hut.

"Favorite Art Assignment in Sarah's book?"

I use a lot of them; I use them to find quiet, I use them to decide what to write about, and also, kind of, what to think about. But the one I use the most is this one, "Never Seen, Never Will", in which you are asked to articulate something that you know exists but that you have never seen and probably will never see, because for me, it's a way into thinking about the fact that I don't know almost everything.

"Do you have any recommendations for breathing exercises?"

I do. Life on the internet often moves so fast that we forget that we're breathing. Like, check out how long this breath takes:
That's an eternity in YouTube time.
Here's what I find personally helpful: I try to take a few conscious breaths and then I remind myself of the strange and lovely fact that my lungs were made for this air. It's not like a metaphor or "Life, Laugh, Love"-ey to say that my breath is deeply interwoven with all life on this planet and with the basic chemical make-up of Earth, and I try to remind myself of that.

Alright, that got a little serious. Direct back to Pizzamas.

Hank, I'm going to miss Pizzamas so much when it's gone, I will see you tomorrow.