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This episode of do-it-yourself fake semen is sponsored by! They gave me this boner to demonstrate all sorts of options for "layonnaise", "Peal Jam", "trouser gravy", "wiener sauce", and "willy milk". 

[Sexplanations intro animation]

Throughout my life, there have been a handful of times that I have wanted fake semen. One: to show students what it looks like. Luckily, my friend pulled through with the real thing. Two: to demonstrate the quantity of ejaculation. And three: now, to fill my toy penis. If you want fake semen in your life, for gender euphoria, pornography, a photo shoot, cum fetish: I'm here for you.

When semen is made in the body, sperm from the testicles (which actually only makes up 2-5% of semen) mixes with fluids from multiple ducts and glands. Seminal vesicles add a yellow, sugary fluid; that's 70%. The prostate gland adds enzymes, acids, and lipids that give it more of a white color, and then everything else is clear. I have chose recipes that go with this color scheme.

Consistency-wise, evolutionary biologists propose that coagulation keeps the semen in place so that it doesn't spill out of the vagina. And the liquefying of it happens 10 to 30 minutes after ejaculation to let the sperm swim to the egg. Ah, the competitive advantages.

Whether it's runny or gummy also relates to how frequently the person ejaculates. So if you want to communicate "I haven't come in days", then it's thicker and more opaque. If you want to make an "I get off all the time" nob slurry, then it needs to be more watery and translucent.

2-5 milliliters or 1/3-1 full teaspoon is the average quantity of a wad, but we're gonna make lots of penis colada, because we can!

First option: methylcellulose. This is porn star semen. In the US there are 4 million prescriptions for it. I wonder how many of them are for do-it-yourself jizz? Meh, I don't know. I don't have any of it, but you can probably find it at the pharmacy. It's a laxative, so if you swallow, it'll help you poop. To spit or swallow?

Option 2: condensed milk. Super easy! Open the can, ta-da! The coloring and form are already seminal. And it's yummy!

Do not put it in the vagina! There are 54 grams of sugar in here that can feed the natural yeast in the body so well that they'll have a yeast feast. That will become a yeast infection.

Option 3: If you want a load that's body friendly, my recommendation plain yogurt, adding water until it has a saliva-like consistency. Mix it...perfect!

Option 4, probably the simplest: corn starch and hot water. Davison makes an incredibly realistic version with an egg white, yogurt, swirl it slightly, add a pinch of salt -- so accurate. And vegetarian! It's so real! How does it taste, Davison? Let's definitely try this one in the peen.  (?~2:39) this whole thing.  Enough for (?~2:40).  I'll cum on you, I'll cum on you, and you.  Some for you.  I've got more, ughhh.  

Option 5: Symbolic splooge.  This has its own dispenser.  Oh, yes, mm, mm.  Yum, yum.  I wanna attach it though, like a colossal cock of cream.  This is pretty hot.  A royal harness.  Remove the ring, add a loop or band that fits snugly around the canister.  Make sure it will stay securely.  Black duct tape because it's sexy.  Let's duct tape the whole shaft.  Fasten it in place.  It feels so secure.  Alright, butt straps.  So easy.  Thrust and press for a beautiful mess.

Option 6: Hair conditioner.  Great for showers.  Can you imagine getting a shower blowjob, while you're there, rinsing out the shampoo of your partner's hair and keeping the water from getting in their eyes.  Hey, down here, giving a blowjob with your conditioner.  Then it's time.  So you pull out in this fantastic orgasm, cumming all over their head.  (?~3:44) semen is moisturizing.

Option 7: Xantham gum and glycerin.  Here's the recipe care of the Climaxdoctor.  4 oz of warm water, half a teaspoon of xantham gum, three teaspoons of liquid glycerin, and some grapefruit seed extract to preserve it.  Supposedly, you can use it internally.  Don't quote me, I'm quoting the Climaxdoctor.  The great thing about all of this is that you can play around with ingredients and imagination.  Coconut oil, massage oil, lube.  Make some 'my balls are exploding with sexual tension' blue paint semen.  Whole body massage semen with lotion.  Sticky sticky peel-off later semen with glue.  Get some of that confetti frosting as birthday sex semen.  I'm sure there are hundreds of possibilities.  I found this bottle of (?~4:27), not sure what it is.  It was at the store.  Looks like semen.  Edible and definitely not vagina-friendly.  Go into my mouth, hahahahahaha.  So good.  Oh my gosh, so good.

I remember seeing fake semen made of cigarette filters.  You can use steamed milk foam.  Straight up a gallon of milk spraying everywhere.  Whatever the purpose of your artificial fluid, you'll get there.  Stay curious.

This episode was sponsored by, where you can get this gorgeous harness and this ejaculating dildo and many other playthings.  If you use the promo code 'DOE' after you fill up your shopping cart with goodies, they'll give you 50% off one eligible item plus free shipping on your whole order to the US or Canada.  


Forget--then we'll--hah.  Fingering it.  Stay.  What's up?  Mm.  Mm.  Mm.  Just playing with my dick.  Don't mind me.  No.  Gotta shake it first.  Yup.  Meh.  Meh.  Stay curious.