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Last sync:2023-05-13 10:15
In which John talks about how babies are made, sharing the seven steps you'll want to take if and when you decide you'd like to make a baby of your own.


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A Bunny
( - -)
((') (')
Good morning, Hank.

It's Monday of How-to Week and today I am going to fulfill the most common request we received and tell YOU how to make a baby. (Which, as it happens, is one of my fields of expertise. As you can see, I have several fields of expertise.) Okay, so some people will tell you that making a baby is a one-step process, particularly if you're a dude, but those people are wrong. In fact, it is a seven-step process.

Step one: Before you make a baby of your own, you're gonna wanna check out a baby that someone else has made. From this experience you will likely learn that 1) babies are cute and 2) babies are monsters of narcissism who believe that there has never been another human being in the history of the world and who also believe deep down in their tiny little baby souls that you exist solely for the purpose of attending to their needs. In fact, I would argue that whether you find babies cute is not necessarily relevant to whether you'll enjoy HAVING a baby.

Step two: Okay, say you go to bed at 11 PM, set your alarm for midnight,[sound of baby crying] wake up, and listen to this for twenty minutes. Then set your alarm for 2 AM, wake up, listen to this for twenty minutes, and so on every two hours, twenty-four hours a day for two weeks - No breaks! [baby crying stops] Okay, so having done that, you're now ready for step three. There are several ways to take step three from test tubes to turkey basters but by far the most common is to have sex.

Alright, that was fun. Step four: If you're a woman, it's time to give up sushi and caffeine and alcohol and go-carts and most of the other things that make life worth living. But the good news is that now you get to vomit all the time.

Or if you're a dude, you get to stand outside the bathroom door, listening to vomit and thinking to yourself very quietly, because you know from experience that the person you love the most in the world can sometimes hear your thoughts, "That person I love most in the world sure was less cranky when she used to drink coffee and not vomit so much." Step five: If you are the person giving birth, it is time to do the hardest core thing you will ever do in your entire life. If you are not the person giving birth, this would be a great time to say, "You're doing awesome!" and then faint. Step six: The baby cries.

Step seven: You cry. Which begins a dramatic increase in the total number of minutes people are crying inside of your house. And THAT in seven easy steps, Hank, is how you make a baby at which point it becomes socially inappropriate for you to wear your Zombie-Unicorn hat, even though you are still young at heart.

Nerdfighters, we're doing more how-to videos this week, so leave your suggestions for what you'd like us to teach you how to do in the comments. Hank, I gotta go upstairs and do daddy stuff but I will see you on Wednesday.