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In which John eats Peeps.


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A Bunny
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(John is wearing a handmade T-shirt that says "Kurt is Made of Awesome") Good morning Hank, it's Friday March 9th. My eye's still kinda funny. Hank, on Wednesday afternoon, for some reason I went out and bought a lot of peeps and I decided to eat them as fast as I could. At the time I didn't know that we would be introduced to Kurt, the Punk-Rock Nerdfighter, so I thought that I would prove how awesome I was by eating Peeps faster than you. I mean, not that everything is a contest between us. And, not that I feel compelled to win each one of those contests. So, I gave myself 3 minutes to eat as many Peeps as possible. I would like to show the results from that experiment.

I've got a whole stack of Peeps. (voice over video of eating Peeps) Hank, I may not like the taste of Peeps, but I sure do like the taste of sugar, so in the beginning I found it very easy to eat the Peeps. As you can see they're going in one after another. After all I've been on Weight Watchers for eight weeks. This felt very good. It's only 10 points for 15 Peeps! And then as you can see I began to slow down a little. The Ghostbusters and the stay-puff marshmallow man had begun to war inside me. Soon the Peeps began to hurt. They began to expand inside my stomach, growing like so many slowly inflating balloons. I felt a renewed sense of enthusiasm upon switching to the pink Peeps. I thought maybe by switching to the pink Peeps I would be able to eat Peeps quickly and efficiently proving myself to be the greatest Peeps eater in the history of the Green family. But my enthusiasm was short lived.

Hank in the world of competitive eating there is a phrase: "the wall of fat". The wall of fat is the wall that your stomach hits, when it's trying to expand and then it runs up against your subcutaneous fat. Thin eaters like Takeru Kobayashi, The greatest competitive eater in history, don't have to worry about the wall of fat. But I'm not thin yet Hank. I'm still a heavyweight according to the international boxing federation. So I began to hit the wall of fat. At this point all of the Peeps I could eat were inside my mouth, but there was the small matter from getting them from my mouth into my belly. And as you can see that process took quite a long time. There was so much chewing to do. Every time I thought I had swallowed the end of the Peeps, there was more Peeps to eat. Do you see that Hank? That is exactly what Peeps puke looks like. How do I know? Wait. At this point I think I can maybe still hold down the Peeps, and I think I can hold down the Peeps and I think it can- ah, no I'm not going to hold down the Peeps.

(back to John talking) Hank, be grateful I didn't take the video camera into the bathroom with me. I had, what is known in competitive eating circles as "a reversal of fortune". Hank, in the end I ate 12 1/2 peeps in 3 minutes. You ate 12 1/2 peeps in 6 minutes. Kurt ate 12 peeps in a minute and a half. Scientific conclusion: It's not possible to eat more than 12 1/2 peeps in a single sitting. I'll see on Monday.

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