Dr. Lindsey Doe: One of the most common sexual challenges people face is putting their sexuality in the context of others. How to match their sexualities if somebody wants lights off or lights on. Rough or gentle. Alone, in groups. Who's gonna be on top? Everyone's sexuality is unique.

Of course we're going to have differences! In kinks, interests, timelines, duration, sex drives. So how to we share our sexualities when our interests are individualized. How do we all get what we want?

The simple answer is finding the third option.

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Thinking in black and white terms is what limits us. We think either they win or we lose or they lose and we win. Right or wrong? A or B? I feel stuck between two walls, really scared there, like there's no decision at all. 

This place is definitely devoid of creativity. Searching for a third, fourth, fifth, sixth option might make more sense or serve all parties. 

Let's say two people want this orange. Decide one person gets it. The other will probably be unhappy. So, let's cut the orange in half. Neither party gets what they wanted, but at least they got something, right?

This Lindsey eagerly peels her half of the orange, throws away the rind, chomps down on the pulp, and then nom nom nom. The half is gone. She's left craving the rest, wishing her snack was that full, whole orange. 

Meanwhile, the other Lindsey is grating the rind into a zest to collect enough to fill measuring spoons and add it to strawberry rhubarb pies. The pulp is mangled and undesirable. In the trash it goes!

We're taught to compromise and relationships need a little of that, but not a lot of it. Me? I'm a huge fan of negotiation. Wouldn't it have been nice if the Lindseys did a little bit more investigating so they could have come up with an alternative solution besides she gets it or we share it?

This is where a clinical sexologist can be really helpful but you can get a lot of these tools on your own. Let's say this Lindsey wants the rind. She's making pie. This Lindsey wants pulp. She's hungry. Great! There's a way to do this.

Let's look at mathematically for a moment. If I want to have sex three times a day and my partner wants to have sex once a month, then the compromise is what? Sex once a week. This is a compromise, and neither of us are getting what we wanted.

Black and white thinking leads to compromise. My partner not getting what my partner wants and me not getting what I want is not a win-win; it's a not-win-not-win. 

Like I said, this is why I prefer negotiation. If black and white seems too rigid, this is why you look for the third, fourth, fifth, sixth option. Ask questions. Gather more information. Go outside in nature. Do something good for yourself. Laugh.

The point is to make room for choices to present themselves. January: have sex once a month. February: Have sex three times a day. Open the relationship to people with similar sexual preferences. Communicate! Communicate about frequency. What do you actually need? What are you afraid of? Investigate the variables and then increase or decrease your frequency based on that. Expand your definition of sex. Maybe schedule an appointment with a clinical sexologist.

The world is not black and white. Relationships are not black and white. Sexuality is not black and white.

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