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Duration:04:23
Uploaded:2013-07-25
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In which Lindsey introduces the idea of Want/Will/Won't lists and talks a bit about compatibility. Also, what the heck is 68 anyway?

You can get your very own Want/Will/Won't Poster at DFTBA.com: http://dftba.com/product/18u/Sexplanations-Want-Will-Wont-Poster

You can ask Lindsey Questions at:
https://www.facebook.com/sexplanations
http://twitter.com/elleteedee
http://tumblingdoe.tumblr.com

Host: Dr. Lindsey Doe
http://www.youtube.com/sexplanations

Directing/Filming/Editing: Nicholas Jenkins
http://www.youtube.com/thelonelydirector

Titles: Michael Aranda
http://www.youtube.com/michaelaranda

Executive Producer: Hank Green
http://www.youtube.com/hankschannel

Music Used In This Episode: Mining By Moonlight by Kevin MacLeod
http://www.incompetech.com

You have a lot of questions. "Please answer me!" Thousands of them. Woah!

Your questions are really important to me, I'm not ignoring you.

There are lots of ways to reach us here at Sexplanations - Facebook, Tumblr, twitter, and my own website. But if you want to find out what's going on, the easiest way for me is Facebook - and that might include a meet-up in Oahu, Hawaii this week.

So, let's get to this whole getting what you want thing. Here's what you'll need:

Something to write on and something to write with.

Hot dog? Hamburger?

First separate the page into three columns.

Want, Will, Won't

Then you want to make sure to give it a context and a date - so for this one we'll put "What we want in our sex life" and the date as 7/24/13.

The point is to understand what you want, will, and won't in terms of your sex life. So the wants are your ideal situation. The ambitions that you have for your sex life. "I wanna orgasm", "I wanna cuddle", "I wanna go to the bathroom afterward!"

Will is like a common ground. You're open to it, you'll try it out, you'll participate, but it's not necessarily what gets you going. "I will have sex outside", "I will talk dirty", "I will give hand-jobs?"

And won't, these are the hard limits - the the absolutely-nots; don't ask me again. "I won't cheat." "I won't kiss on the mouth", "I won't bare-back".

For example; this is one that Nick and I have created based on having 30 items per list in the want, will, and won't. We actually did this for getting ready to film together where he made a want will won't list and I made a want will won't list for Sexplanations, and it seems to have worked really well!

30 items per column may sound like a lot but the reason why is because it gives you a huge opportunity to learn so much more about sexuality.

I don't know what sexual tourism is. Glory holes? 68? And I would encourage you if you're gonna make your own list not to use these or these, but to come up with your own. Start searching in your mind for what might be out there that you definitely don't wanna do sexually, that you might be willing to do, and that you really want sexually.

Having sex for the first time: Want privacy. Will moan. Won't proceed if it hurts.

Choosing a partner: Want funny. Will snore. Won't hurt animals.

Contraception: Want STI protection, will use more than one method, won't get shots.

BSDM: Want fire play, will scratch, won't cane.

Opening the relationship: want compersion, will participate, won't include siblings.

What does compersion mean? It's when you derive pleasure from your partner being pleasured - like the opposite of jealousy!

You can make a want will won't list for just about anything.

College: want mountains, will move, won't pay tuition.

Picking out your next cell phone: want a touch-screen, will pay for apps, won't sign a contract.

Heck, even getting an apartment! What kind of dog do you wanna adopt? Which YouTuber to spend your time obsessing over!

All right, so you've got your lists. The second task is to operationalize. This means putting your wants, wills, and won'ts into measurable terms. You're really trying to break down the meaning so that all parties understand the terms of the terms.

Wanting to give head ends up being "with my partner, twice a week, except when I'm sick or tired."

Then, you've got these lists - parties, parties, parties - and you're gonna compare them to see where your wants and wills and won'ts may or may not overlap.

Take for example these two lists! They have been created separately so maybe there aren't items on the wants and wills that overlap. But it's easy enough to take a highlighter. Kaylee can grab a hold of Simon's list and mark off which she is also wanting.  And Simon can take his highlighter and Kaylee's list and mark off things that he is willing to do!

Let's say the lists don't match up. Like an Enara and Shepard Book.[ It's okay to not be in the relationship. Or to change the dynamic from lovers to friends.

The point is to focus on the first two columns.

I love want will won't lists.

This kind especially is really fun because I can move this - if I don't want to have a menagé a trois any more, I'm not willing to do it, I can move it!  And if it's on the won't list then it stays there until I let you know that I'll move it this way.

Want will won't lists are a guide to your sex life, they're not to be a formula.

Enjoy making your want will won't lists - I'll see some of you in Hawaii. Have a great week. Bye!