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In which John rants about Christmas.


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A Bunny

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Good morning Hank. It’s Friday, November 30th. Hank, I’m not going to sit here and lie to you. It’s 12:30 in the afternoon and I’m still wearing my jammie pants. Hank, I’ve always believed that a man who works from home is entitled to one day in his jammie pants per week.

Hank today’s video comes in two parts. Part one is very short. Part two is very long.

Part one: the happy dance project. Hank, I was supposed to finish the happy dance project by December 1st, but guess what, I’m not going to. Sorry, life is hard and full of disappointment. Instead of finishing it by December, I’m going to finish it in December. But Hank, I can make this promise to the nerdfighters: There will be a happy dance project, and it will be change your life.

Part two: Christmas. Hank, in the last couple of weeks, you spent some time railing against the commercialization of Christmas, and as you know, I am also opposed to Christmas. I mean I like the religious holiday, but I don’t like anything about the secular side of it. I don’t like Santa Claus who was invented by the same guy who invented Uncle Sam. And I can totally see the connection because basically Santa Claus is all like “I need YOU to spend more money on consumer goods in December.” By the way, I don’t like Uncle Sam either. I find him pervy. I don’t like mixing the colors red and green. I don’t think they match. Also, the Christmas lights Hank, I just don’t get it. Putting Christmas lights outside your house is like saying “I don’t think that electricity is a valuable resource.” I don’t like reindeer. They seem like regular deer, only more dangerous. I don’t like elves unless they are played by Liv Tyler. And I really don’t like toy soldiers. Toy soldiers freak me out. I mean Hank, if you think about it, if the toy soldiers and the elves got together there would be no stopping them. The toy soldiers would have no problem hijacking Santa’s sleigh. The elves could put lead paint in all of our toys, and then we would have a group of well armed soldiers using a flying sleigh to attack us and we wouldn’t be able to defend ourselves because all the lead poisoning made us stupid. Oh my God, Hank, it's an apocalyptic scenario! I don’t like eggnog. If I want eat eggs, I want to eat eggs, and if I want to drink, I want to drink, but I don’t want to do both at the same time. I think it’s weird to take a dead tree and put it inside and cover it in lights that could catch fire. I do like Christmas ornaments. That is the one secularized thing about Christmas that I like. Hank, I don’t want to sound like some kind of religious fundamentalist who think there was a golden era in human history that we need to go back to, but my basic rule about Christmas is this: I like everything about Christmas that was thought up before the year 1800. That said, if everyone felt the way that I did, there would be a worldwide recession and our economy would collapse.

So, Hank, those are my thoughts on Christmas. I am buying some gifts this year, but it’s for kids I don’t know who need clothes. And maybe that should be the policy: You only give gifts to people who need gifts.

Anyway, Hank, forward slash rant. I'll see you tomorrow.

Nerdfighters, no clue this weekend. Instead, head to My Pants and help us solve our identity crisis.