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A Bunny
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Good morning, Hank, it's Wednesday, October 10th.

Hey, great video yesterday. Your card metaphor was really effective, and it reminded me that, indeed, you should not elect someone just based on whether or not they would be a good poker player. You have to vote for people at least in part because of which cards they're showing you; that is, what they say they're going to do and how they say they're going to get it done.

The only problem with your theory, Hank, is that it supposes that politicians are basically honest people, and will do the things that they say they will do, when in fact, politicians, as a class, are slightly more dishonest than poker players. So many politicians would be like, "Hey, look how good my hand is! I'm going to avoid nation building!

I'm not going to engage in preemptive war! I'm going to help the United States break its addiction to foreign oil!" And then you're like, "Wow, the King of Hearts sounds like a really good card," and you elect it, and it's like, "Just kidding! I'm the Joker!" By the way, Hank, for helping me with that joke, I'd like to thank my 2004 "Vote Kerry" playing cards.

So Hank, I think that's why it's important to pay attention to a politician's character, so you can be reasonably sure that they're going to do they things that they say they're going to do, and not become some belligerent anti-intellectual mean-headed Decepticon. Named George Bush. But anyway, Hank, all that said, I like John Edwards.

I am now equally for John Edwards and Barack Obama, so you've won that part of the feud. But, my dear brother, there is one part of the feud you will never win. And that is the fight between zombies and unicorns!

I think I've come up with a fool-proof argument against unicorns, however, unfortunately, that fool-proof argument is only for people who have read Harry Potter Seven, or who don't mind if I spoil it for them. If you do not want to know spoilers for Harry Potter Seven, you should turn off this video right now. Although, honestly, Hank, if there's anyone who's managed to avoid Harry Potter Seven spoilers for this long, I would like to find out where they live so that I can go there in the event of a nuclear holocaust, because it's the safest place in the world.

Okay, everybody who hasn't read Harry Potter Seven is gone, and I am now speaking only to Harry Potter nerds. My argument against unicorns is entitled, "Why Do You Guys Hate Tonks So Much?" Hank, here's how it breaks down. In order for any of the things that happened in Harry Potter to happen, Voldemort has to not die before Harry Potter starts.

And in order for that to happen, Voldemort has to drink the blood of unicorns, which allows him to live, but also makes him, like, half-man, half-evil, or whatever. Ergo, Hank, unicorns are responsible for Voldemort's survival. What I'm saying, Hank, is that unicorns saved Voldemort, and then Voldemort's war resulted in the death of Tonks.

Now, Hank, I am not an expert in Aristotelian logic. But I'll say this: if unicorns led to Voldemort, which led to Tonks' death, and you like unicorns, you killed Tonks. Not to mention Hedwig.

So, Hank, look, I'm not defending zombies. I've never tried to defend zombies; they're disgusting. But zombies didn't kill Tonks.

I mean, Hank, you say that if you were walking through a forest, you'd rather come across a unicorn than a zombie, and that seems logical until you consider that all they ever do in Narnia is impale people, and all they ever do in Harry Potter is save villains. I mean, let's face it, Hank, unicorns are really killing people, whereas zombies are only good at making people undead. And believe me when I say, Hank, that I don't want to be undead.

But I also don't want to be really dead, which is what unicorns make you. Hank, I hope all is well in Montana, and I'll see you tomorrow. P.

S. Everybody send positive thoughts to secret siblings Adam and Ava and their cat. P.

P. S. Hey, Hank, Looking for Alaska, or as it's known in Australia, Looking for Alaska, is a finalist for the Inkys Award.

Any nerdfighters under twenty-five can vote. Link here, or maybe here, or possibly there.