[Brotherhood 2.0 Intro]

[Numerous people say "Good morning, Hank, it's Monday!]

Hank, you just got said hello to by your cousin Theresa, her husband George, world famous author Lisa Yee and Arthur Levine, who edited the Harry Potter books! You heard me right, you just got said hello to by someone who knows JK Rowling. Arthur's kind of a Nerdfighter, maybe we can talk Jo into being a Nerdfighter? I feel like we can call her Jo, because, you know, you got said hello to by Arthur, Arthur knows Jo, so we kind of know Jo.

Hank, I have a piece of good news and I have a piece of bad news. The bad news is that the Yeti has absolutely vetoed the ex-girlfriend punishment. She feels like, you know, I've tortured them enough with the radio pieces and all of that stuff. The good news is that I think I have a suggestion for a punishment that will be even better. But in order to find out if this punishment is possible I need to call Brotherhood 2.0 resident mathematician Daniel Biss.

[On the phone to Daniel Biss] Daniel, it's John Green. I have a question for you. Is it legal for you to receive campaign contributions from people who are sending you campaign contributions because I am injuring myself? I have to do a punishment anyways, so I figured why don't I do a punishment that decreases World Suck? Yeah, but it's also like maybe waxing my entire leg. Waxing your legs doesn't hurt! Waxing your chin hurts. Girls wax their legs all the time, and they complain about it, but it doesn't hurt that much or they would stop doing it. Okay, alright, sounds good. I gotta go, I gotta go record the video blog.

This week we'll be collecting donations to help Daniel Biss become the first Nerdfighter ever elected to state Congress. The state of Illinois is 49th in education funding, thank God for Mississippi, and Daniel wants to change that. Illinois also doesn't have any kind of state fuel efficiency regulations and he wants to change that too. He wants to help the environment and put more teachers and librarians in schools. So basically, he cares about the same stuff we care about.

Now the key to Daniel's grassroots campaign to become the next state representative of Illinois is not the size of donations, it's the number of donors. So Hank, I propose that we base the severity of my punishment on the number of people who donate to Daniel's campaign. Incidentally, Hank, you'll notice that my punishment suggestions this time tend to focus either on eating or on pain. That's because eating and pain are both funny. Now I realize that embarrassment is also funny, but we've done embarrassment quite a bit lately.

So, Hank, I propose the following ten-tiered punishment system:

If five people or fewer donate to Daniel's campaign via Act Blue, I will eat six Saltines in one minute.

If up to ten people donate to Daniel's campaign, then I will eat one thousand five hundred calories of the grossest food available in my grocery store.

Twenty-five people? I will eat six Saltines in one minute while doing the novelty dance of your choice.

Thirty-five people? I will wax a limb of your choosing.

Fifty people? I will wax a limb of your choosing and I will lick a cat.

Hank, I know what you're thinking: "That's not very hard." Well, it's hard if you live in Indianapolis and don't know anyone who owns a cat.

Seventy-five people? I will break the Peeps-eating world record currently held by punk rock Nerdfighter Kurt. And I will wax a limb of your choice.

A hundred people? I will break the Peeps-eating world record WHILE waxing a limb of your choice.

Waxing a limb of your choice is one of those phrases that isn't dirty, but sure seems dirty the more you say it.

Two hundred people? I will find a cat, lick it, wax two limbs of your choice, while drinking a thoroughly blenderized Happy Meal from McDonald's.

Five hundred people? I will spend sixteen hours straight without pause inside the Walmart next to my house.

Five thousand people? I'll get a Nerdfighter tattoo.

Hank, if you or the Nerdfighters have more suggestions about punishments, I'm happy to tell you how many donors it would take to make that happen, and I'll see you tomorrow.

[Brotherhood 2.0 Logo flashes up]

Hank, I'd like to thank everyone at the SCBWI for hosting this great conference and also for putting me on that gigantic video screen!