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In which Hank talks about strange experiences when (not) buying things. And assigns a preliminary punishment.


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A Bunny
( - -)
((') (')
Good morning John. It's- blehhhhh. It's possible that I have a hangover. Good morning, John, it's Friday, August third.

Something I want to talk about today- aside from your punishment- three times in the last week, something interesting has happened to me at a retail store. First time, I was getting sand. I was like, "this bag looks good", and he was like, "oh that one has a rip in it, you can just take it", and I was like, "... yeah?". The thing that I was gonna buy, now I just get to take? And I did, and I took it, and I took it home.

And then the other day I went to the book exchange, which is this bookstore where you take books, and then they give you credit, and then you get books again, and so it's kind of like a library, except you get to keep the books if you want to. And I went in there, and I got some books, and I already had a bunch of credit, so I gave him the books, and he boop boop boop, and then he handed me the books, and I had my wallet out, and he was like, "you want to use your credit for this, right?" and I was like, "yes, yes I would like to use my credit" and I put my wallet back in my pocket and I was like, "I don't know why I took my wallet out..."

And then the other day I was heading home from the garden and I was really hungry. On the way home from the garden is a convenience store which sells the cheapest corn dogs in town, uh, two for a dollar, and so I went in there and I had 70 cents, so I had enough for one corn dog. I was jingling my change in my hand and I looked and there were no corn dogs. 70 cents is enough to buy a corn dog, but 70 cents is not enough to buy anything else. I said, "I don't think I have enough money to buy anything you got" and she looked a little bit sort of sad for me and then I said, "you don't have any corn dogs back there that you're hiding?" She said no, and then she said, "do you just want something?" and I was like, "yes, I want that cheeseburger" and she gave me the cheeseburger. I can has cheeseburger? She kind of looked around to see if her boss was looking and then she was like, bink, cheeseburger, and I took it and I ate it and it wasn't very good, but it was, you know, dinner.

But all three of those times, it actually felt really weird. It felt like I was breaking a rule. The retail store dance that you do. Ching ching ching, pass, take, take, pass, take, take, shunk, dink dink dink dink, dink dink dink, push button, push button, dink, kaching, (other sound effects that are more difficult to type out). None of that happened! This very elaborate sort of ritual surrounding the exchange of goods, and it was just, poof, all gone. And then, what do you say to that person? Thank you is what you say when you get a cheeseburger from someone who you just paid. What do you say to a person who you get a cheeseburger from who you didn't pay? You have to say something, like, super nice, like "thank you, I will never forget you until I die". I didn't wanna, like, say that to the gas station lady. How was she gonna respond to that? "Oh.. Oh I shouldn't have given that guy a free cheeseburger, now he wants to do me." Uh, yeah.

Anyway, nerdfighters discovered that you textually communicated with me ten days after this project started, and so you must be punished. Nerdfighters! And I got an excellent suggestion from a guy named Dave who says that you should have to call and spend at least one minute talking to an ex-girlfriend. During this call, you will have to mention certain things, and what those things are I would like to ask the nerdfighters to suggest. But well done getting your video up last night. I was very impressed, and very, sort of, surprised to see it, 'cause I had heard that you might not be making it. So, awesome, good job.

As a final note, you may have noticed that the World Suck Meter has been elevated to suck level orange because of the disaster in Minneapolis, you being caught in a punishable offense, and secret sister Katie getting kicked out of her house. I so recently dodged that bullet that I'm feeling kind of bad for Katie. Good luck! Fight through it!

John, I'll see you on Monday.

I will tweeze one nipple hair for 25 dollars.