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Last sync:2023-09-17 23:15
In which GLaDOS calls me fat and I continue using the Aperture Science Dual Portal Gun to make my way through test chambers. Sorry the sound gets off, no idea what that's about.
Hello and welcome to "Hank Green Plays Portal 2". I don't even know how many episodes I've made now. It's three or four, I think. And I'm- GLaDOS is testing me. I've been thrown right back into the Aperture Science Testing Facility and GLaDOS is excited to be testing me for the next sixty years or so. She's just told me that I'm a horrible person. 

(0:36) Sigh, again. So we've got laser beams and redirection cubes in this one. There's a redirection cube right there. Going over here, can I get on this? Yeah I can. It doesn't actually help me at all. So this... goes there. And then this is gonna do the thing, right? Can I do the floor here? I can. Yeah. 

(1:21) Wow. Wow. You've been studying human psychology, GLaDOS. You know that we don't like to become fat. Especially the ladies. I saw Chell when I was walking around. I should do some portals and see how she's looking. She looked trim to me, GLaDOS. I think that she's doing just fine. We'll take a look. Okay. 

(1:53) Oh, it's so cool! Oh, ah. I almost walked- okay, so let's see how I look. Hello? Why can't I see myself? Hello? Corner? A corner? Would a corner help? (laughing) It's so hard. There I am. Hi, Chell, how you doing? How you doing, honey? So hard to see yourself in Portal. There I am. (sounds of frustration) I will find a better opportunity later. 

(2:34) So I'm going through here. There's me from behind. My butt doesn't look big. There's me from the side- no, I don't think that I've packed on any pounds, GLaDOS. I do not think so. So what does this do? Oh, excellent. I'm glad that that did not fall on my head. And then this- that laser beam wants to go through here- oh, geez. Okay, so do that there and then do this here and then do this. Does that work? I think it did. 

(3:13) Excellent, it did. Because I'm smart, and intelligent, and awesome, and aahwm. Jump now. Okay, I could have just held the cube in the way. Wow. You're mean, GLaDOS. You're really mean. Why are you so mean? I mean, you tried to kill me. You've gotta understand. Can't we get along? Isn't there some way we could find some common ground, GLaDOS? You and me, we could talk it out. 

(3:50) Figure out- sorry, I just hit the microphone. Figure out what we have in common and fight... ooh, Faith Plate. Faith Plate. (singing) Do do do do. Let's see, we got Faith Plates, and don't hit your head on the thing, and don't swim, and Faith Plates. Okay, I think I just missed an awesome animation. 

(4:21) What's happening to that wall? Screw you, camera. Okay, so, pushing this button. What does that do? Oh, oh, nope. Didn't get it. Got ya! Second try, man! Hells yes! 

(4:55) (GLaDOS: Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air.) Well it feels like real air. Michael Aranda's now playing Portal 2. (laughing) (GLaDOS: So you'll be breathing the same roomful of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.) I think that that's not true. I think you are lying to me because so far you haven't had a real good track record of not lying to me, so just pointing that out. 

(5:28) (yawning) Tired. (GLaDOS: Let's see what the next test is. Oh, advanced Aerial Faith Plates.) That sounds like fun! (GLaDOS: ... pick up fifteen acres of broken glass. By myself.) Well, hurry up then. Get out of my way. Okay, thank you. (singing) The walls of the test chambers are made of... things. Panel things. Okay, I'm just gonna do this, 'cause I need to figure out where I'm going. 

(6:01) This way? Oh, oh geez. Yeah I made it! Yeah I did! I am the master of disaster! Hoo ha! Why should I zoom? Ooh, "debris". "Debris". (pronounces the "s" at the end of "debris". sneezes twice) Sneezing. Hello, hurtling towards me "debris". Got you. I'm testing with the garbage, 'cause, well, isn't that what I'm supposed to do? Oh, it didn't work. 

(6:52) That didn't work. Okay, I will push the button again, since that's what you wanted me to do. Come to me, come to- wow, a chair. I don't need you, chair. Go away. All right, all- oh no! What's happening? Oh no (singing) no no no no, bad bad bad. Drop it again. 

(7:16) I made a mistake. Hello? Hello? There you go. Faith. This is what faith is. It's having faith that I get you! I got it. Oh, right now I have to do that thing where I create the portals again. So one goes here and one goes here. And then I drop you, and you land. 

(7:42) Ah, whoof, that was close. I didn't wanna have to do that again. Right. (GLaDOS: ... you didn't react at the time...) I'm not much for reacting, actually. I just jump. (GLaDOS: ... which would make this apology seem insane.) 

(8:08) Yeah, that totally doesn't make you sound insane at all, GLaDOS. You seem completely sane. Never felt like you were crazy or anything. All right, now we're moving on. Test chamber what now? The subtitles totally ruined that one for you, GLaDOS. 

(8:35) Oh, are you a Companion Cube? Hello! Aw... Ow. Apparently- hello, hello Companion Cube. You have hearts, you're so cute. You're so cute. Oh, Jesus. Aw... (both times he says this it sounds heartrending.) She's so mean. 

(9:09) Okay, well, it got it down, but I need to get it again, I need you to come with me. You're a Companion Cube. Okay, going up. I'm sure that I will bring you up to where I'm going, okay, Cubey? Okay. So, yeah, see, I can just do this and you'll come with me. It's okay. We're together, we're still together. We are still together, you and me, Cubey. Okay, so now I have to come out of this and go into... into... you and me, Cubert. 

(9:47) (laughing) "Cubert". Whoof, almost didn't make it. Okay, thank you for companioning me. Yowzers. Oh, why didn't I make it, that's ridiculous. I just- I went from a really long way. I'm misunderstanding something. 

(10:16) You're not- cube! Now, I love you and everything, but that was ridiculous. Okay, can I make you come with me? Can you come with me? Hello? How do I make you- I can't, I can't figure out how. 

(10:51) Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, I hit the fricking wrong fricking frack. Oh no. Oh no. (laughing) Seemed like a good idea at the- why did it die? Oh my god. Oh geez. Everything is going wrong now. I'm all the way back at the beginning of the level because I wanted to save my Companion Cube. Oh, that's just embarrassing. 

(11:38) (laughing) It's just gonna- okay, okay. So, cube, (singing) come to me, and then I will grab you, and then we will make love- or not, or not, you know, if that's creepy. If you don't like me that way, that's fine too. Okay. So now I need, and I need, okay. Good. Good good good good good.

(12:18) And then I'll just open up one or both of those. What? How do I get there? How do I get to my cube? Ah, screw it. I'm sure you can do it, but I'm not going to. I'm not- this episode has been too long already. 

(12:44) Thank you for watching this episode of "Hank Plays Portal 2", and you will not see me and I will not see you. There's an annotation on the top right-hand side of the video- I'm trying to point to it, but it only makes me go around in a circle- click it if you wanna watch the next episode. Thank you for watching. Goodbye. 

Transcript by Coignmaster