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View count:337,128
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Dislikes:133
Comments:2,662
Duration:06:56
Uploaded:2018-02-07
Last sync:2019-12-03 09:50
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TWITTER : https://twitter.com/elleteedee
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FACEBOOK : https://www.facebook.com/sexplanations
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I’m Dr.

Lindsey Doe, clinical sexologist and host of this sex edutainment show -- Sexplanations. Today’s episode is sponsored by adamandeve.com, an easy and affordable way to shop for your sexual adventures. [WHIP CRACKING, COUGH].

This channel started in 2013. As we were gearing up to publish our first video, I was cautioned that female creators are often sexualized and that the comments could be overwhelmingly suggestive. Sure enough.

Video one. People posted: “Should you need practice with your sex, I can be of assistance.” “It you weren’t already taken I’d offer you hand for the night, and then again for repeating nights until we were hooked via court documents which come from marriage.” “Your intellect and articulate narrative coupled with your natural look made me think of sex and I even began to feel aroused.” “I would give my left nut to have a sex session with you.” I do read the comments. I think it is a valuable way to gauge whether or not I’m understood, and learn if there’s a better way for me to do things in the future.

They usually don’t offend me. Other people though, get offended for me; they try to shut down the sexual or romantic advances with classroom etiquette, instructing the perceived perpetrators to leave, or apologize, or at least reconsider their actions. In a Sexplanations episode about orgasms one person wrote: “Anyone else jerked off to her?” and eleven others replied with discourse on whether or not this was even acceptable to ask.

What is actually sex positive here? Is it sex positive for people to communicate their intentions (of jerking off to me)? In videos I emphasize communicating what you want!

Is it sex positive to jack off to someone’s social media persona? I sexualize myself to affect the messages I’m trying to convey! Is it sex positive to express in the comments: "My god Dr.

Doe, I wouldn’t even come up for air." (implying oral sex) or "Show me your genitals." "Doc stop playing with our emotions and do porn." "Bet her ass tastes amazing, 10/10 would eat." This is controversial. And really nuanced. Expressing your sexual desires is healthy, and the only way to get consent is to ask, but doing so might come across as harassment... what are we supposed to do?

My response is that it entirely depends on context and intent. What I think does not have to be your take. These ideas don’t apply to everyone.

I don’t know what’s best for anyone else and sometimes I don’t even know what’s best for me. This is what I’VE come up with. INTENT.

I did a speaking engagement last year at a really, really nice school in Tennessee. I was invited by the sweetest group of people, they had an incredible venue with a beautiful stage and sound system, and the room was packed with over 500 students. I talked about smegma and the clitoris and answered audience questions until someone from the back shouted. [INAUDIBLE NOISE].

I couldn’t make out what had been said. It was one of those outbursts that’s loud enough for others to hear but not the teacher. There was a quick commotion of nervous laughter and then silence. "He asked if he could have your number." Ahhhh. “It’s okay to ask me for my number if you actually want my number.

You could come up to me after the presentation and ask. I’m not going to shout it back across a room of strangers to you. I think you want attention.” In Tennessee where I was speaking, they do not require medically accurate sex education.

You do not need to cover sexual orientation or contraception, but you are mandated to discuss the negative outcomes of sex to teens. I was there to give people much needed information, and he intentionally detracted from that. His intention wasn’t sex positive.

So for the videos, If people post in the comments what they want to do to my body or a request to get something sexual from me and it reads as an expression of their sexual desire, I think it’s good for them to practice and then usually say nothing or respond with a quick “no thank you.” If people post with the intent to make me or others feel unsafe, or inferior or just run their mouths and diminish the educational purpose of Sexplanations, that’s not cool. I don’t consent to that and I will report them or block them. I think this person was somewhere in the middle. “I have herpes and Doe has herpes.

Means I can fuck her bareback.” It’s true that some people who are HIV positive will seek out partners who are also HIV positive and justify not wearing condoms. But just like HIV, herpes has multiple strains so there’s still a risk of transmission. That and no you may not fuck me at all.

I did not consent. MY intent is to educate. CONTEXT.

Context is the other factor that matters to me. By definition “the circumstances that form the setting for an event, statement, or idea, and in terms of which it can be fully understood and assessed.” Sexplanations is the context then. An online production that goes worldwide to people of all ages and maintains an audience of sex positive nerds.

I talk openly about sex. I exude sexual energy. I even flirt with you, saying things like, "Federally there is nothing illegal about being sexy," and "I'm super turned on now and would like it if you went down on me." This is a place where communication is sexually open and shame-free, unless your intent is to cause harm.

That cannot be said for almost every other place on the planet. Telling someone what you want to do to them or asking them to do it is not consensual. It’s harassment.

Really. That’s context. So, again, it's controversial and nuanced.

Here’s a quick test to determine a course of action:. Has the person already said no or nonverbally communicated no by changing the subject, using fewer words than you, or appearing less energized? If yes, leave them alone.

If no, proceed with the questions:.

Intent: do you want the person to say yes? and Can you excuse yourself if the person says no? Context: is the person at work? And is the person younger than half your age plus seven? If you answer yes to the first two and no to the second, then you’re generally in line with what's social acceptable (at least in cultures like this one).

I used to volunteer for a sex education website when I was 19. The supervisor was a medical doctor in Florida, and he’d help us with editing and problem solving on the platform. We all thought we was great and really looked up to him.

I don’t remember how things escalated, which sometimes happens with abuse, but at some point he propositioned me to be his mistress. He offered to fly me to Vegas, take me to shows, and teach me new languages. He said he was 35.

Then 45. Then 65. Let's review: He wanted me to say yes.

He could have stopped asking but he couldn’t really leave the shared space without one of us quitting. I wasn’t at work. And I was definitely younger than half his age plus seven.

Let's apply this test to this Sexplanations comment: "I want Dr. Doe to teach me how to have sex with her." Hasn’t already received a no. Might actually want to me to teach sex education, specifically how I like it.

Could go away if I say no - we don’t know if they would. Is chatting with me at my workplace. No idea about the age difference...

Society is changing. We’re trying to be better human beings and do less harm. There are some growing pains.

I know people who feel paralyzed to ask people out or compliment them on their appearances because they're afraid of being misunderstood. That’s got to suck, but I’m glad that they’re willing to deal with this while we as a culture sort it all out. We’re going to create clearer standards for how to treat each other.

And it’s going to come out that many of us didn’t operate under those standards in the past. The key is to hold safe spaces for dialogue like Sexplanations, to consider context and intent, and to allow the survivors and the perpetrators to recover. Stay curious.

A special thanks to Adamandeve.com for giving me to the freedom to talk about confusing topics in addition to the sexier ones. If you’d like to get yourself a toy to play with while jacking off to Sexplanations or something to play with instead of harassing people in the comments, I recommend this fleshlight (where you can see the inside) or this vibrator that swivels. [giggles]. When you go to at adamandeve.com and use the promo code DOE at checkout, you will get 50% off an eligible item plus free shipping in the US or Canada.