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Duration:16:25
Uploaded:2012-11-02
Last sync:2018-05-05 21:20
Hank begins the fifth installment of Assassin's Creed. John de Lancie talks a bunch of gibberish to make things try to make sense of the "plot" of the game. Desmond and crew set up shop in a creepy glowy cave somewhere.
Hank: Hello and welcome to Hank Green Plays Assassin's Creed 3, inspired by historic events and characters. This work of fiction was designed, developed and produced by a multicultural group of people with diverse uh, whatever.

Ubisoft. This is the first time I've turned on the game so I'm completely unspoiled, I've no idea what's going on and it wants me to press the start button.

I've always wondered if the start button is really, technically necessary. Also the select, there's a select button on the old one. No, I don't want, yes I'm going to play without a Uplay password.

Oh my goodness, how could you possibly do such a thing. Logging into the Ubisoft server, I don't remember that being necessary last time, uh, what are you going to do with me there? And why - is it necessary because it seems to take a little bit more time than technically I need to spend right now because what I want to do is play the game, not wait, as polite as your being.

Okay, oh, this is pretty, that's a nice sexy menu interface. Start new game, start new game. Yeah, DFTBA, that looks like the one. (Coughs) No, not DFTBA small A (Coughs) I have a bit of a cold if you were wondering. Backspace, x, yes done.

Okay, the start button again, I guess the start button oh shh -

William: It used to be that when people talked about the end of the world we locked them up, or laughed them off. Sometimes both, but we never took them seriously.

Hank: That's a familiar voice.

William: Maybe we should have. But I'm getting ahead of myself, better to start at the beginning with the abduction of Desmond Miles, my son.

Hank: Oh, right.

William: This boy had no ambition, no direction, no plans for the future. What he did have was a heritage...

Hank: And a drink!

William: one he choose to deny.

Hank: But he couldn't deny it.

William: It nearly cost him his life.

Hank: He also had eyeliner.

William: He was captured and imprisoned, those who took him believed he could help them find something.

Hank: Was he a queue?

William: The apple

Hank: I think that's what it comes down to the fact that he's a queue.

William: One of several artifacts called Pieces of Eden.

Hank: Potentially a Time Lord.

William: Bits of ancient technology scattered across the globe, some hidden, some found, all of them dangerous.

Hank: (Coughs) sorry about the coughing.

William: Most were owned by a single group, the same group that now had Desmond. You know them as Abstergo Industries, we know them as -

Hank: The Templars!

William: The Templars, as the enemy. We've been fighting them for thousands of years, even longer if you believe the stories of their origins. I do. After all, I've seen the truth.

Hank: What do you mean?

William: That's the beauty and the horror of the animus.

Hank: It's the infinite grid.

William: A device that allows us to enter and experience the lives of our ancestors.

Hank: I didn't know this still had to be explained.

William: It holds the power to change everything, to show us history the way it really happened. Up until it's creation, to the victor went the spoils, went the truth. We're trying to fix that, to free minds and bodies both but there's only so much we can do and the Templars have the upper hand these days.

Hank: Anonymous.

William: But something larger than the assassins and Templars is approaching, bigger than all of us and if we can't find a way to stop it -

Hank: Wow, made of fire.

William: these next few weeks will probably be our last.

Hank: The entire America's made of fire.

William: Everyone's last. In the end, it all comes done to him, to Desmond. Through the animus he discovered his heritage, explored the lives of his ancestors and uncovered their secrets. When that was done, he trained, he used another ancestor to provide decades of experience in the span of a few days. It worked; we think. We hope.

Hank: Oh goodness.

William: Soon though, soon we'll know.

Hank: oh, I like your outfit.

William: That on this date fast approaches, December twenty-first 2012. None of us knows what it'll bring, only that this is where they want us to be when it does.

Hank: Oh numbers.

William: They've been guiding us, in their own fractured, frustrating way, these voices from the first civilization, the ones who came before, a precursor race of immense power and uncertain motives. They're the ones who made the Pieces of Eden. This is where they've led him.

Hank: I don't buy your plot.

William: He stands at the entrance to this long lost place.

Hank: I can't suspend my disbelief

William: Armed with the knowledge about Altair and the abilities of Ezio he holds in his hands the Apple of Eden and we stand at his side, ready to support him however we can.

Hank: Even though he stabbed his girlfriend.

William: His name, is Desmond Miles and he has brought us to the end.

Hank: The end. You're never gonna end this series, you know dang well it never - sorry, can I turn on the subtitles? I cannot, I cannot do anything right now. Should I be able to control something right now or are we just bouncing around in the back of a van?

We're just bouncing around in the back of a van. Was that the loading screen? I don't know what was going on just then.

Alright. Is that ? okay it's all my crew, all my crew is here.

William: We're here.

Hank: All my crew except for, you know, my girlfriend who I killed. Yeah, the models are slightly better like the floaty dust moats. Desmond looks a little older maybe.

William: Let's go.

Hank: They do look like father and son. Let's go. Alright we're learning how to walk everybody, remember? I got a glowy thing on my pants, that's important. I know Kung Fu now, thanks to the animus, the matrix. Matrix-y animus.

I forgot that you always have to re-learn how to play the game, it's going to have slow - oh, some graffiti up here? You guys waiting for me? Apparently so.

Yeah, nice hoodie, nice hoodie. Are you taking out your sprints? You gonna tag it? No. Oh, geez, this ancient technology contains great power. A surprising amount of power considering, what is it - tapping into dark energy or something? Like, when do you recharge the apple? Does it have a little plug? Is it standard interface? Is it USB or is one of those like stupid proprietary formats?

Shaun: In another moment, down went Alice after it, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again.

Hank: Right in the no hope hole. Oh, just go in. Apparently, is that high enough? That's as high as it goes? That's a little weird to me, I think it would go higher and am I ever going to get to the revolutionary war in this first episode?

Oh, look my glow stick is lighting through - wow what the heck just happened. That is technically not how that would cast a shadow but whatever.

Are we gonna set up our new offices here? What is going on, why am I walking around, just to learn how to walk? Yes, enormous power, I remember, glow ball. My glow ball.

Desmond: I think we're here.

Hank: My glow ball glow. Glows forever, it glows into the unknown it's my glow globe. That was fun, that was a new thing. Can I get back up? Nope, it's just, it's just a one way.

I can do nothing except walk. Oh, did I drop my glow stick? Pick up, pick up, pick it up, picking up the glow stick. I don't need it, the walls are glowing, who cares? Who knows what powers them? Apparently I do, my presence - oh, at least I can run now. Psss.

Uh, apparently they followed me somehow. Oh, some... ? or something. More glowing artifacty. 

Alright, I was expecting to hit more people with tomahawks to be totally honest with you, in this first episode and I'm sorry that I'm currently not hitting anyone with tomahawks.

Oh, you fixed it! Good job! It was broken and you fixed it. That was not a hard job, the fixing of that. Yes, the light, the blinking buttons, suddenly repeating textures, triangles. I hate triangles, all pokey, trying to hurt me.

What's through there, what's through there, what's through there Desmond? Oh goodness why is it - everything's trails.

Juno: The key. You must find the key.

Hank: Oh, is there - there must be another thing to find.

William: Son.

Hank: Yes Dad. What?

Man: Sir.

Hank: Oh, am I - what's happening? I'm having the weirdest trip!

Desmond: (Sighs) Here we go again.

Hank: Down he goes. Okay.

Rebecca: Desmond?

Hank: Yes?

William: Do you hear us?

Hank: Yes, I'm in the infinite cloud.

Desmond: Yeah, what happened?

William: The temple triggered a bleeding effect - you collapsed and entered into a fugue state.

Hank: A fugue state? Then how can I talk to you?

Desmond: So naturally you drop me into the animus instead of, I don't know, making sure I was okay?

Hank: Or taking me to a doctor?

William: You weren't in any danger, besides, the temple appeared to be communicating with you and I didn't want this severing the connection.

Hank: That's quite ironic.

William: At least not until we knew what it wanted.

Hank: Do people still wear backpacks like this?

Desmond: Right, of course.

William: Son, I -

Hank: Yeah Dad.

Desmond: No, it's fine. I get it. And I know what I'm looking for by the way; it's a key.

Hank: It's a key.

Desmond: I've just no idea where it is though.

Hank: It's probably not in here, which is just infinite clouds.

Desmond: It's just why she triggered the bleeding effect.

William: She?

Desmond: Juno, Dad.

Hank: Juno? Oh, Juno.

Desmond: She's... talking to me.

Hank: Juno the God, The God Juno. Juno the God is talking to you.

Rebecca: Okay, Desmond, when you were uh... visiting Constantinople we picked up a software update for the animus. I'd like to run a couple of quick tests to make sure there aren't any major issues.

Hank: We're now in the infinite grid of triangular mirror shards.

Desmond: Alright, what do you want me to do?

Rebecca: Simple, just walk to the marker over there.

Hank: Oh, so, yes I'm glad that you've created a whole system to help me learn how to run again. Oh well, now that with my software update I can do some slightly different jumps.

Rebecca: Okay Desmond, let's practice climbing on these objects.

Hank: Okay, sounds good. Get up there. Yup, I remember how to climb you guys. I'm climbing on the shiny things, there so shiny, shiny things. Oh nice, nice one Dez.

Where am I going? Oh, that's skinny, that's a skinny thing. Where - oh yeah.

Rebecca: Free run your way through this little obstacle course.

Hank: Yes ma'am. It's not the easiest thing to see. Doink doink doink! I am the best free runner, parkour is my thing - oh, that's fun, that's slidey. 

Rebecca: That's a constraint. These are optional objectives that raise your synchronization rate.

Hank: I don't know what your talking about.

Rebecca: Alright Desmond, follow the onscreen instructions and kill the two Templars.

Hank: Okay. Oh what happened to your brain? Oops.

Rebecca: All you have to do here is jump the gap.

Hank: I didn't kill you the way that I wanted to. What do you mean all I have to do is jump the gap? That wasn't just... weeee, I'm just gonna die. Okay, where am I?

Oh, you put me back here, maybe this was were I was supposed to go. No, I don't know what's happening.

I thought - oh, your not gonna grab that? You could totally grab that. Why aren't you jumping? Jump! Yes, jumping. Jumping is the way to go, everybody knows that.

Where you going? Okay, alright everybody's fine. We're going over there? Can I do that? Nope. No I can't, I can't that is where... wait, you did not put me back to the beginning. And then again with that thing! You did that thing again, which I clearly didn't wanna do. 

Alright, over to the - okay, that's fine, okay, now where - the fricking shards are confusing my brain, why?

I don't know where I'm supposed to - I'm supposed to grab onto that thing, I just didn't do it because it's dumb. AH! AH! Get on and then jump for - jeez, Desmond.

Okay, where am I going? Is... oh I see the shards are slowly loading into other stuff, which is actually pretty cool, to be totally honest with you. Uh, refresher coarse.

Rebecca: Synchronization levels look good now - we should be able to build the world. Time to find out what the temple wants with it.

Hank: Well, you built my clothes pretty well. Sorry, I missed what you just said honey, tell me again. What's going on? Why can't I run? I don't like it when I can't run.

You building the world? It's not fast enough, faster! The shards, oh, look at them lay down. Oh, I can't walk that way, I can't walk that way guys. 

Yeah, the world is healing itself and taking itself apart as I walk away.

Random man: Everything alright sir?

Hank: No, it's totally trippy.

Desmond: Yes, fine, I'm just preoccupied, that's all.

Random man: Don't forget your invitation, Master Birch will be meeting you inside.

Hank: Who is this guy?

Desmond: Thank you.

Random guy: Where shall I retrieve you once your done?

Desmond: Front of the opera house, and be quick about it, I don't expect to be here long.

Hank: There's an exclamation point up there. Alright, this was a really slow walk everybody. 'A Deadly Performance' well we're not gonna do a deadly performance because it's already been sixteen minutes so thank you for watching this episode of Hank Green Plays Assassin's Creed 3. You will not see me and I will not see you but you will hear me next time as I perform in a deadly manner. Goodbye.