[Intro] Hank: G'morning, John: It's Wednesday, February 28th and it's story day. Our story today is called: John: "Everyone Poops in my Pants" by Hank Green.
My name is Hank, and I have a small problem. Everyone poops in my pants. Each morning I wake up and dozens of people surround my house chanting "What do we want to poop in? Hank's pants! When do we want to poop in them? Now! Hey hey, ho ho. In to Hank's pants we gotta go! Hey hey, ho ho. In to Hank's pants we gotta go! Poop!"
Now, I know what you are thinking. You're thinking: Hank, I believe that many people have pooped in your pants, but I remain unconvinced that everyone has pooped in your pants. And that is true enough. For instance, many poor people haven't pooped in my pants because they lack the resources to fly to Montana. And many babies haven't pooped in my pants because they're too busy pooping in their own. I'm just saying that, statistically, an improbably large number of people have pooped in my pants. My mom, my dad, and my brother, John have all pooped in my pants. Kirsten Dunst was wearing, and pooping in, my pants during the entire filming of Spiderman 2. The entire Liverpool Football Club pooped in my Umbros immediately after winning the 2005 UEFA Cup. German novelist Günter Gras pooped in my pants while wearing his Nobel Prize. Stephen Daedalus is just one of the many fictional characters that have non-fictionally pooped in my nonfictional pants. Al Roker had my pants tailored to fit him... and then pooped in them. Vladimir Ilyich Lenin died in 1924, but has nonetheless pooped in my pants. George W. Bush is so incompetent that he failed to poop in my pants, although he did poop near my pants and then later claimed that he had never intended to poop in my pants and that no one in his administration had ever talked about pooping in anyone's pants. Having seen his poop I can report that it looks exactly like bullshit. Wow, those guys must be selling the President's war plan.
People often ask me, "Hank, does it bother you that everyone poops in your pants?" Yes, it does! Sometimes something great will happen like, the other day, Barack Obama came by, and he pooped in my pants, and his poop kinda makes me believe in America again. But mostly, I dislike having people poop in my pants. But everyone has a cross to bear. Some people have chronic back pain. Some people are on Team Karen. Some people are Republicans. Me, I just happen to have pants into which people really like to poop. It could certainly be worse. It's like Monty Python member Eric Idle once told me while he was pooping in my pants: "Always look on the bright side of life."