(Intro music)

Hannah: Alright guys, this week on My Drunk Kitchen, we have a very special, um, strategy. Due to me and Hank's insurmountable height difference, which nobody could've foreseen, or bought, like, a tripod, or, I dunno, there was no way to prepare. No way at all.

Hank: (laughing) Start over.

Hannah: This week on a very special My Drunk Kitchen, we'll be going hand held, courtesy of Daily Grace's shaky little hands.

Grace: Wait, don't you mean ham-held?

Hannah: That's beef.

Grace: Okay, so I'm a vegetarian.

Hank: That's beef.

Hannah: That's beef.

Hank: I don't know the difference, what's the difference?

Grace: It's all dead animal. Dead animal. Dead animal. Dead animal.

Hannah: One and a quarter cup cornmeal. One and a quarter cup cornmeal.

Hank: Where's your cup?

Hannah: And here's where they are. Here you go. Um, I have an idea - let's drink more. 

Hank: (laughs)

Hannah: All you have to do is that and then--

Hank: (gasps)

Hannah: Great! Put that in the bowl, please. And thank you. Be polite kids, when you have a guest in your home. Wow! You did an exceptional job. Compliment them a lot, so they stay longer. Okay--

Hank: (laughs)

Hannah: You look great! It's a great color.

Hank: Um. Why couldn't we use wheat?

Hannah: Errrm...

Hank: Or is it supposed to be this?

Hannah: Errrm...

Hank: You don't know!

Hannah: (laughs)

Hank: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-ahhh! Ahhh! That one was-- Why is that harder?

Hannah: Looks better this way.

Hank: Yeah.

Hannah: Yeah. Gently shake the flour over the--

Hank: Pan. Pot. Bowl.

Hannah: Mhmm. And then insert. Nomnomnomnom

Hank: Today's drinks brought to you by Mamrie Hart

Hannah: Mamrie Hart!

Mamrie: Yeah motherfuckers

(laughter)

Hannah: Now we've got some of this

Hank: Ohhh

Hannah: Mmm

Hank: That looks-- That looks mostly out of focus

Hannah: Oh, I was seeing two eyes, and then this is the mouth, and it's--

Hank: Oh!

Mamrie: If you put a cowboy hat on it--

Hank: (laughter)

Mamrie: If you put a cowboy hat-- a cowboy hat on it it's Dwight Yolk-am

(laughter)

Hannah: Oh man! The yolks on you Mamrie

(laughter)

Hannah: Oh we need milk, I think. And we also need--

Hank: Yeah it seems like it needs something else in there

Hannah: Some more liquid?

Hank: We've got fat free milk, we've got also fat free milk.

Hannah: Oh let's do fat free milk. Always check the expiration date subtly so that your guests don't lose faith in you. Oh thank you! We're good. Ooh, do you see this Grace?

Grace: Mhmm

Hannah: Great. We can put that away.

Hank: Did you just put all of it in?

Hannah: I don't know--

Hank: Without measuring at all?

Hannah: Hank--

Hank: I'm a chemist

Hannah: Do you know me at all?

Hank: I'm a-- Yes, I've met you

Hannah: (laughs) Measuring?!

Hank: I've seen your show

Hannah: You are a chemist! Ah, we should have made this about gastronomy. That's what you get for thinking--

Hank: Astronomy?!

Hannah: Gastronomy

Hank: Gastronomy! No, I like corn dogs

Hannah: (laughs)

Hank: It's like you've never cooked before

Hannah: I have a whole cooking show. Whatcha doing Mamrie?

Hank: (impersonating Mamrie) Oh I'm just playing with your salt

Mamrie: Making a chicken broth martini

Hannah: (laughing) What you guys missed was Grace's /laughs/ dramatic boob zoom in

(laughter)

Grace: Okay 80% of this My Drunk Kitchen is going to be crash zooms, just so you know

(laughter)

Hannah: Life is about being impromptu, and living on your feet, and moving on the go, so--

Hank: And fire in the butt

Hannah: And fire in the butt, as we learned here earlier in the day. So because we don't have any Popsicle sticks, I propose that we use the 'dogs as sticks themselves, and--

Hank: Wait, what?!

Hannah: Mhmm

Hank: Are we going to freeze them until they're really hard and then shove them up into the corn dog? ...No

Hannah: Interesting thought, but what we're gonna do is take the muffin tin and we're going to put a load of corn batter into it, and then stick the 'dogs into it like little--

Hank: I love this

Hannah: --batons, and then pull 'em out!

Hank: This is not going to work, but I love it anyway

Grace: It would have not been butter

Hannah: Oh good, we're good.

Hank: Freshness date? This stuff lasts forever? It's just oil (sprays some in his mouth)

Hannah: Oh, no Hank!

Hank: Want some?

Hannah: No thank you. (laughs) That couldn't have been pleasant

Hank: No it's just like-- it's just oil

Hannah: Pure oil?

Hank: Yeah

Hannah: Ohh. It's better than ChapStick

Hank: It makes you think that it's some exotic chemical, but it's not. It's just pressurized oil, and it comes out of a little aerosolizer

Hannah: Wow. Does oil cook better under pressure, because I know I do

Hank: Ohhhh

Hannah: Like this?

Hank: I got some Pam on the side of my mouth. Actually there's an odd--

Hannah: Where did that come from?

Hank: There's an odd numbing sensation that I didn't expect

Hannah: (laughs)

Hank: I'm not sure what that's about

Hannah: That's a Pam-ic attack

Hank: (laughs)

Hannah: Nerdfighters!

Hank: That was good. What we've ended up here with is 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

Hannah: Mhmm

Hank: Corn dog muffins

Hannah: Great

Hank: It's prime

Hannah: Prime, prime, prime

Hank: Ahh, there's Pam in my mouth

Hannah: I wonder how it got there. Pam makes people crazy! Hank, what are your feelings on--

Hank: 'Dogs?

Hannah: 'Dogs and meat. Okay so we have chicken sausage--

Hank: You got a lot of 'dogs

Hannah: I did! I was very excited. Chicken sausage... smart dogs?

Hank: Smart dogs? They don't have any dog in them?

Hannah: Yeah, and I am pretty sure they don't even have any vegetables in them

Hank: Well there's soy

Hannah: Yeah

Hank: There's gotta be soy, that's a vegetable

Hannah: There's soy, and there's pea protein!

Hank: Pea! That's a neat feeling

Hannah: I got it because it resembled a human brain! Kind of like some neural pathways

Hank: Well I'd say more intestines

Hannah: Or poop!

Hank: (laughs)

Hannah: Pea! Oh baby I love you. This is gonna be a weird .gif. It's coming out. Get your drink. Cheers! Okay great. Now we've got one last one with nothing in it. Maybe we should leave this as the control

Hank: (laughs)

Hannah: Science!

Hank: You're doing science!

Hannah: We're leaving this one as the control because scientists are controlling

Hank: It's true

Hannah: It's going in the oven, for 20 minutes. Friendship power!

Hank: I actually have a fact for you. Did you know that dish rags are usually the dirtiest things in your house in terms of bacteria per square inch

Hannah: You know I'm not surprised by that because I never really know what people do with their dish rags

Hank: Just bring the camera down here, I want you to see in the oven, they look amazing

Hannah: They're pooping. They're pooping. They're pooping.  Wow, friendship is magic guys, look at this! An important step is checking to see if they're poison. Hank, will you check to see if they're fully cooked?

Hank: If it's poi-- If it's poison

Hannah: Use a b--

Hank: There's supposed to be honey in the corn batter, to make it more honey-y

Hannah: To make it more honey-liscious

Hank: She purchased honey

Hannah: Hey sweetness

Hank: Yup

Hannah: Yup

Hank: But she didn't put it in. So now we're just gonna cover them in honey

Hannah: Alright Grace, can you get close. A close up on this?

Grace: Yeah, you wanna get like a slow-mo of it?

Hannah: Ready?

Grace: Wait, w-wait, wait, wait. Go ahead.

Hannah: Got it?

Grace: Mhmm

Hannah: Okay, ready? (sings) You are beautiful, no matter what they say

Grace: This is some food network shit right now

Hannah: So take, take your tiny little-- Take your-- Take your tiny little manifestation out of your thingy, and admire it for the beauty that it is. Is this the best thing you've ever seen in your whole goddamn life?

Hank: Well I'm taking pictures, and later I'm going to Instagram them, so obviously

Hannah: You Instagram from your camera, you crazy?

Hank: It's not easy, it takes a lot of work, but I'm a professional

Hannah: (mocking) I'm a professional

Hank: I'm actually not gonna do that

(laughter)

Hank: I mean, straight up, I didn't think this was gonna work

Hannah: It does!

Hank: And it did

Grace: Straight up

Hannah: And that's the lesson, kids. Sometimes you think things aren't going to work out, but you'll never know if they will until you try

Hank: And--

Hannah: Why are you walking away?

(laughter)

Grace: I'm doing a dramatic ending! And into the toilet!

Ending music and credits.

Hannah: It's good because you can take it, if you're in a war zone. And you can travel with it

Hank: That's good. It's basically what they ate on English naval ships

Hannah: You know when you're reading a novel, and-- you know when you're reading a novel and it's like 'and then we took the rock biscuits and we traveled across the land'

Hank: Hardtack?

Hannah: Hardtack!

Hank: Hardtack is what you're thinking of

Hannah: And you're like 'what the hell is hardtack'?

Hank: It's very similar to hardtack. It has protein, because of the maggots!

(laughter)