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In which John answers Google's most-asked questions starting with "My parents are..." The team plays Morecambe.

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Twitter: @AFCWimblyWombly
Hello and welcome to Hankgames without Hank. My name is John Green, I'm the manager of the first place AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys, currently eleven points clear of our nearest opponent! "We're top of the league, we're top of the league! AFC Wimbledon, we're top of the league!" I'm feeling pretty good about us right now. Gotta say, I think we're, I think we, I think we're doing alright. Everything is going according to plan for the Wimbly Womblys.

It's inexplicably sunny in Britain. We're gonna do a Google autofill today. We haven't done one of those yet with the Wimbly Womblys, where I'm gonna do "My parents are". And we're gonna learn about my parents. Presumably not mine, but yours. Just to prepare you, I'm probably gonna side with your parents more than you would like. Unless you are a parent, in which case, you will love this episode. Alright, what've we got? Oh! We almost had a goal, but no we didn't. We didn't. What? Oh, it's goal kick. Alright Meredith, what's up?

My parents are aliens? You know, I don't know if you know this Meredith, but when I was a kid, I thought my parents were aliens. For real. For quite a long time, actually. And it wasn't because my parents weren't nice or because they weren't active in my life or any of that. I just thought all humans were aliens other than me, and that I was the subject of a weird alien experiment by the alien people, and that, like, every time I turned around, they took off their human costumes and, like, revealed their ugly alien selves, and then every time I turned back around, they put back on their alien costumes. And I was, like, completely convinced of this for, like, so long that I'm embarrassed to even admit to you how long it went on. And then finally, like, I revealed it to my parents and they were like "We're not aliens" and I was like "Oh, alright". That's pretty much a summary of my childhood. That is what Calvin and Hobbes is about, essentially. So obviously I'm not totally alone in this respect.

Oh! I thought that was gonna be a goal. But it wasn't. It wasn't. And then we were offside.

What's... My parents are...? Boring! Yeah, I mean, that's good. Your parents should be boring, frankly. I think, like... I often think about my own relationship with my parents when I was a teenager, because I, you know, this is, like, kind of like my career is writing about, writing about that stuff. And I tend to write, not always, but I tend to write, like, pretty high-functioning families because I was in a very functional family. And as a result of being in, like, a relatively functional family where my parents were, you know, like, relatively boring people who were always like "Don't smoke cigarettes!" and "Stop drinking in the house!" and all that stuff, I, I never really thought about them. Like, they were just sort of, like, inconveniences to me. But other than that, I never really considered them in any way at any point. I just didn't think about them, because they were very boring to me.

Now, of course, like, as an adult, they're much more interesting to me and I see them as, like, the complex, multifaceted individuals that they are. But I think, like, it's something to be kind of grateful for, if your parents are boring, because it means that your parents aren't, like, ruining your life by being screwed up and trying to make your life about them. So, hooray for boring parents! I intend, I intend to do everything that I can be to be an exceptionally boring parent, so that my kid is constantly like "Oh, he's so boring!" Good! Good, go ahead and think that.

Oh! Oh, it's gotta be! Oh, but it isn't! What a... I mean, that was like a, that was like a Barcelona style passing heavy goal, except that it wasn't a goal. Oh, and then we shot from the outside like we like to do, and that didn't come to anything either. Congratulations to Morecambe, who have managed to hold us scoreless for twenty five whole minutes!

What's my next, what's my next letter? My parents are cheap? Again, your parents are cheap because they're trying to save money so that they can, like, take care of you, send you to college, like, do nice things for you, that you don't know that you want, but you do want them. So be grateful for your cheap-ass parents!

What's next? Divorcing!? Well that's, that's not easy. My parents are divorcing. I mean that's something that unfort... You know, like... Well I can't say it's always unfortunate. Sometimes divorce is the thing that very much needs to happen, you know. It's cliché to say that it's not about you, but it's really not about you. Marriages are, like, complex, multifaceted beasts and it's really...

Oh, you gotta have a better pass there! I'm gonna divorce you. I think that was Other John Green so I take it back. I would never. No, no. "I will always love you-ooo!" I didn't get there Meredith, I didn't get there. I didn't get to the top though. I... All... It was just... All, all they're gonna hear is silence, maybe, maybe, maybe a faint breath.

Yeah I don't know. It's hard. Like, it's re... It's hard when your parents have any kind of marital troubles, it's particularly hard when your parents marriage ends and, you know... But like anything, it does, it does get easier with time.

Oh! Off the post! Ah! It should have been. That's disappointing. Alright, what's next?

My parents are embarrassing? Again, this is good, this is good. Your parents should be embarrassing, of course they're embarrassing. Like you go to the movies and they're just, like... It's just incredibly uncomfortable. My son,  who is three and a half, is already having this experience. Like we went and saw The Croods a few months ago and when we saw The Croods he was, like... The whole time he was like "Dad, don't try to cuddle with me". I'm like "Your three and there's some scary parts. I'm gonna cuddle with you" and he's like "Don't cuddle me, there's other kids here. They're gonna see you cuddling with me". So, like, you have to understand that from your parents' perspective, like, all of life is just you slowly walking away from them and from the moment you're born really, you're just becoming less and less dependant upon them and you are also, I don't wanna criticize, but you are also not being necessarily exceptionally grateful for all the sacrifice that they have made to help take care of you. So, in their mind they're just like "What is going on here? Like this child, who I have, like, loved and cared for, is suddenly, like, horrified by me and I'm the same, I'm the same cool, hip guy I was twenty years ago". That's the other thing, is you gotta remember that your parents think that they are cool because they remember having been...

Oh! "Bald John Green, John Green, he gives it all for the team, upon his mustache we're keen, Bald John Green, John Green." He's a finisher. I mean that's just absolute classic Bald John Green finishing. He wasn't in the right position when the cross came in so he said "You know what? I'm going to back up and I'm going to use my beautiful bald head and my beautiful red mustache to get that ball in the back of the net because I care about AFC Wimbledon all the way down in the depths of my soul!" And finally the breakthrough is established: it's one Neil... One Neil? One nil, AFC Wimbledon. Now we're hungry! Oh, we're hungry for more. That didn't go the way I expected it to. What's my next, what's my next letter?

My parents are forcing me to go to college? I mean, look. I told you that I was going to side with your parents over and over and over again and I am a parent myself. We are in a union, like, we have to take care of each other, parents. Yeah, of course they're forcing you to go to college! What do you expect them to force you to do!? Not go to college!?

"Ya Ya Ya..." Dang it. I always want it! I want it so bad! I just want Ya Ya Ya Ya Ya Bamba to score a goal, to score a goal.

Yeah, I mean, you can't know what the future looks like but my strong suspicion... I don't know a lot of people who, like, regret graduating from college. You know, you'll finish when you're 21 or 22 and you'll have your entire adult life to prove to your parents how wrong they were to force you to go to college. And, you know, and if that's something that you want to do you should go and do it. But, I mean, I think, like, your parents are more than likely right, actually.

Oh! Speaking of right! Speaking of right! Dang it! Gah! I just hit the B-button, like, 200 times. How many times do you have to hit it to score in this game? Alright.

What's my next letter? My parents are getting old. I feel you, man, I feel you.

Oh! It's from nothing! "We'd like Some Moore, we'd like Some Moore! We like your goal, and we'd like Some Moore!"

Yeah, I feel you about the getting old thing. My parents are getting a little bit old as well and it's... I mean, just a little bit old. I mean, I can't say they're getting super old because my dad, like, still, like, basically he runs all of our, he runs our business. Like he... I don't... We couldn't, we couldn't do any of the stuff that we do without dad. So, you know, he's not old but they're getting older pretty much daily. Yeah, it's weird! It's weird. I mean, it's not... There's no, there's no easy way to be old. The only thing worse than being old is the alternative which is, you know, ceasing aging due to being dead. So, yeah.

Meredith, Meredith said "The only thing worse than getting old is Benjamin Button-ing" which is totally true. It'd be so much worse to Benjamin Button than it is to just get old in the old fashioned way. Yeah. So at least you're not Benjamin Button-ing, at least your parents aren't Benjamin Button-ing. I'm just trying to find the bright spot here. Unless they are. If we can go back to "My parents are B", is one of them "My parents are Benjamin Button-ing"? Because if so, like, that, that should be cause for alarm, you should be worried. Oh! That's OK, it went out of bounds. What's my next letter?

My parents are having another baby! Panic! No, that is a legitimate source for concern. I mean, both to you and to your parents. If you are old enough to Google and your parents are having another baby you should be worried because things are going to change for you and, at least in the short run, not for the better.

Oh! "He's big, he's tough, he has a brilliant puff, Other John Green, Other John Green! He's big, he's tough, he has a brilliant puff, Other John Green, Other John Green!" He's such a finisher. You've got to say, Bald John Green's been getting the bulk of the goals this season for the Wimbly Womblys and of course, like, because of his mustache and because he's, you know, taller and maybe, like, a little bit more proto-typically handsome he does get the bulk of the attention from the media and the fans and you hear a lot of, like, the Bald John Green song is probably a little bit better than the Other John Green song, all that. All that comes into play but Other John Green, just an absolute cracker of a player. Just an amazing, amazing player and such a fantastic finisher. But he just brings such energy and fireworks to the Wimbly Womblys. So special.

Oh! That was a little bit late, it was a little... I was a smidge late, I'll admit. Don't give me a card. I was just trying to give him a hug! I just wanted to give him a hug! Now I feel bad. I just wanted to give him a little leg hug! That was my bad, I was just... What's my next letter?

My parents are immature. That's a big issue. I mean, the thing is your parents... I always thought because my parents were really good parents and never made me think about them, like I said, parents I think are inherently, like, they're human, they're just like other humans. They're no... Yeah. And so, like, they're capable of... They make all the same mistakes that other humans make but the, like, the pressure is so much greater because they are parents and they are judged, especially by their kids. I think this is right. Like, you're judged by an entirely different standard by your kids because they expect you to, like, do really, really well because you're usually asking a lot of them also. So I think it's not, it's not...

Oh! Get there, get there, get there, get... Oh! P. Sweeney. I don't, that guy just doesn't, he's not as fast as Francombstein.

Yeah. So, I mean, sometimes your parents are gonna be immature. You're gonna have to forgive your parents in your life. It's not easy to do, I'll admit it, but you gotta, you're gonna have to do it because otherwise you're just gonna be miserable for ever 'cause no parents are perfect. They're always gonna make, always gonna make mistakes. Like, as a parent I make mistakes all the time. It's frustrating but there's nothing I can do about it 'cause I'm not that perfect of a person.

Oh! Dang it! Could have been a little... What!? Offside!? What's the call? Did I get offside for being good looking or did I just win the game? Did I win the game? Is there a substitution? What's going on? Referee I... I don't know what happened. Your whistle was unclear. Now I'm just staring at... Oh, it's a substitution. It's just a substitution. OK.

Oh! We have a penalty. We have a penalty. We haven't had a penalty... I don't know what to do! I gotta go to settings. Hold on. I don't, I'm panicked now. A penalty! Let's do, let's go to player roles, Meredith. Everybody calm down, we have a penalty here in the 90th minute. We're up 4 - nil so it's not gonna affect, it's not gonna affect who wins the game, it's just about what song do I want to sing. Actually, you know who hasn't scored all year despite... You know who saved two penalties in a game against Luton Town to send us into the Football League, to make it possible for the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys even to exist, to make this moment even conceivable? Seb Brown had to stop two penalties against Luton Town and today he is going to take a penalty for the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys. Maybe he'll score, maybe he won't.

Oh, look at him. He's beautiful, Meredith, isn't he. He's got, he's nicely built. Are you seeing the same thing I'm seeing? You don't, you're not, are you not seeing it? He's very yellow but I mean underneath the yellow there's some, there's some strength of purpose if you know what I mean. Oho-ho! One of these days, Sebby. Three - nil victory for AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys on the strength of goals from John Green, John Green, and then in the 64th minute we got Some Moore. Thank you for watching! Best wishes.