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Hank Green Returns to tell FIFTY FOUR MORE JOKES in less than four minutes because that is WHAT I DO! Thanks to all the Nerdfighters on Twitter who helped me out. And, of course, to the original creators of the jokes...where ever you are.

If you want to watch my previous jokes videos (I've now told a total of 289) there's a full playlist here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTR2tVr2a6A&list=PLMs_JcuNozJYOfHXHGTtHse4XYvnygc8A


FULL VIDEO TEXT!!! ALL FIFTY FOUR JOKES! Transcribed by http://nerdfightergifs.tumblr.com

54 Jokes

1. Whats the difference between a cat and a compound sentence? One has claws at the end of its paws and one has a pause at the end of its clause?

2. What's the difference between a Tuna and a piano?
You can tune a piano, but you cannot piano a Tuna.

3 Whats the difference between the moon and Julis Caesar?
The moon is rocky and full of craters and Julius Caesar is dead!

4. Why do you think Civil Disobedience was such a fantastic essay?
Thoreau editing... Thorough.

5. What cell phones do travelling nuns use?
Virgin mobile.

6. And how come her cell phone bill was so high?
She was a Roman (roamin') Catholic

7. Why did they kick cinderella off the baseball team?
She kept running away from the ball.

8. And the mermaid, that was weird. What was she wearing in math class?
Oh yeah.. an Algae-bra

9. Why was the sand wet?
Because the seaweed... The sea... it wee'd

10. What happened when the butcher backed up into his meat grinder?
Uh, he got a little behind in his work.

11. My pastor, he ate too many beans. He had in his own pews.

12. The defendant is accused of putting dynamite into a steer. Abominable! [A Bomb In a Bull]

13. I'm sorry we can't let the elephants back into the public pool. They keep dropping their trunks.

14. What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?
Stop! You're under a vest.

15. Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns... they always take things literally.

16. When the attendant asked the photon if it had any bags to check... It said.. Nah, I'm traveling light.

17. Ah, I had a great boomerang joke... It'll come back to me.

18. So the Pillsbury Doughboy's pants fell off and I.. feel really weird about donuts right now.

19. What did the sub-atmoic ducks say?
Quark!

20. The stormtrooper was enjoying the Wookie steak, but it was a little Chewie.

21. That girl said she knew me from the vegitarian club, but I'd never seen herbivore [her before]

22. Why are the middle ages sometimes called the Dark Ages? Because they had so many knights.

23. Where do you get whales weighed? At the Whale-weigh station.

24. Name four men that are in a rock group together but none of them sing nor play music... Mt Rushmore. They're a rock group.. it's a rock...group

25. [sings] I stayed up all night because I wanted to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

26. The oddly pleasant feeling of looking down on a physist as they drink the last of their beer. The strange charm of a top down bottoms up.

27. How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

28. A man goes to a zoo and discovers there is only one animal and it's a dog. It was a Shih Tzu

29. What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs? [A Condesending con descending]

30. What are the 10 letters of the pirate alphabet? Aye, Aye, Arr and the Seven C's

31. PMS jokes are not funny... [Period]

32. So I was on a train with Einstein and he turns to me and asks... Does Boston stop at this train?

33. A Bhuddist monk goes to a hotdog stand and says make me one with everything.

34. Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub? It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.

35. How do you make Holy water? Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.

36. Interesting story, the guy who helped me learn algebra never farted around anyone. I mean he did say he was a private tutor.

37. My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart. It was like love meant nothing to her.

38. Ever since I got punched in the nose by that clown I've smelled funny.

I HAD TO CUT SOME BECAUSE OF A CHARACTER LIMIT!

44. They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"

45. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says... Five beers please.

46. What do you call a cow that's just given birth? [De-Calf-Inated]

47. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

48. What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beef.

49. Two legs? Yo mamma!

50. Some people believe that becoming a vegitarian is just a mistake... A Missed-steak.

51. Puns, thats a rare medium well done.

52. How do you fix a broken Tuba. With a tuba glue.

53. Where does Dorien Gray shop? Forever 21

54. Dorien Gray Jokes, they never get old!
Good morning John. It’s been over a year since the last time I told you jokes which means that it's time for me to try to beat my record again. This time – fifty four jokes in under four minutes.

What’s the difference between a cat and a compound sentence?
One has claws at the end of its paws, one has a pause at the end of its clause.

How about the difference between a tuna and a piano?
You can tune a (tuna) piano but you cannot piano a tuna.

The difference between the Moon and Julius Caesar?
The Moon is rocky and full of craters and Julius Caesar is dead.

Why do you think was Civil Disobedience such a fantastic essay?
Thorough editing. Thoreau.

What cell phones do traveling nuns use?
Virgin Mobile.

And how come her cell phone bill was so high?
She was a Roman (roamin') Catholic.

Why did they kick Cinderella off the baseball team?
She kept running away from the ball.

And the mermaid. That was weird. What was she wearing in Math class?
Oh yeah, an algae-bra.

Why was the sand wet?
Because the sea weed. The sea, it weed.

What happened when the butcher backed up into his meat grinder?
Well, he got a little behind in his work.

My pastor, he ate too many beans. He had to sit there in his own pews.

The defendant is accused of bringing dynamite into a steer. A bomb in a bull (abominable)!

I’m sorry, we can’t let the elephants back into the public pool. They keep dropping their trunks.

What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?
Stop! You’re under a vest!

Kleptomaniacs just don’t get puns. They always take things literally.

When the attendant asked the photon if it had any bags to check, it said “Nah, I’m traveling light”.

Ahh, I had a really great boomerang joke. It’ll come back to me.

So the Pillsbury Doughboy’s pants fell off and I, ur, feel really weird about dough nuts now.

What did the sub-atomic duck say?
Quark.

The Stormtrooper was enjoying the Wookiee steak but it was a little chewy.

That girl said she knew me from the vegetarian club but I’m pretty sure I’d never seen her before (herbivore).

Why are the Middle Ages sometimes called the Dark Ages?
'Cause they had so many knights. Nah!

Where do you get whales weighed?
At the whale-weigh station.

Name four men that are in a rock group together but none of them sing or play music.
Mount Rushmore. They’re a rock group. It’s a… It’s a rock group.

I stayed up all night 'cause I wanted to see where the sun went and then it dawned on me.

The oddly pleasant feeling of looking down on a physicist as they drink the last of their beer: the strange charm of a top down bottoms-up.

How much does a hipster weigh?
An Instagram.

A man goes to a zoo and discovers that there’s only one animal and it’s a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu (shit zoo).

What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.

What are the ten letters of the pirate alphabet?
Aye-aye, arr and the seven seas.

PMS jokes are not funny. Period.

So I was on a train with Einstein and he turns to me and he asks “Does Boston stop at this train?”

A Buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand and says “Make me one with everything”.

“Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200 pound shrub?
It’s not a shrub, it’s a lemon tree ("elementary"), my dear Watson.”

How do you make holy water?
Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.

Interesting story, the guy who helped me learn algebra never farted around anyone. I mean, he did say he was a private tutor.

My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart. It was like love meant nothing to her.

Ever since I got punched in the nose by that clown I’ve smelled funny.

In one of my first videos I told you about a fungus and an algae that took a liking to each other. Well I’ve got bad news, their marriage is on the rocks.

The Pentagon was actually supposed to be an octagon but the contractor kept cutting corners.

Did you hear about that new indie band 999 Megabytes? Yeah, that makes sense, they didn’t have any gigs yet.

Why did Barty Crouch Junior quit drinking?
It was making him Moody.

How did Abraham Lincoln plead when charged with murder?
He said he was innocent. He’s in a cent.

They stopped the vulture from bringing his rotten carcasses on the plane, but he said “You said I could have two carry-on/carrion items”.

A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says “Five beers please”.

What do you call a cow that’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with three legs?
Lean beef.

Two legs?
Yo mamma!

Some people believe that becoming a vegetarian is just a mistake. Missed-steak.

Steak puns. That’s a rare medium well done.

How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tube o' ("tuba") glue.

Where does Dorian Gray shop?
Forever 21.

Dorian Gray jokes, they never get old.

John, I’ll see you on Tuesday.