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In which John and his peanut butter face answer questions about romance, books, living (temporarily) in Amsterdam, speaking Dutch, his fancy new iphone that doesn't work, pirates, and who the eff Hank is, among other things.

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A Bunny
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Good morning Hank; it's Tuesday, March 17th 2021. It's Question Tuesday, the day that I answer real questions from real Nerdfighters. Let's get right to it.

Can you start the video by telling Hank the wrong day?

Is it cougish if a seventeen year old girl goes out with a fifteen year old guy?
When did cougish happen? How is cougish a thing when French the Llama continues inexplicably not to be a thing? Anyway, that does not strike me as cougish, it strikes me as completely normal.

Can you speak Dutch?
No. I keep trying to get through a whole interaction with someone only speaking Dutch, so I'll be like: "Een bier dankuwel" And the person will be like: "I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're saying. Do you want a beer?"

What's the most archaic thing you know how to do?
Pretty good at turning magazine pages.

Why didn't you show the "Good morning Hank it's Wednesday" from Plainfield, Indiana?
There's something wrong with my phone, and I can't get videos from my phone into my computer. Like: Insert Plainfield video... Yeah, that didn't work.

Why are pirates pirates?
Because they failed out of ninja university.

Who the eff is Hank?
Hank is a Trans-Neptunian object 27 percent more massive than Pluto. Hank was originally named Xena, after the warrior princess, but then the scientific team that discovered Hank decided that Hank should be named something more astronomy-ish. Like Hank.

Why haven't you done Peanut Butter Face in a long time?
I disagree with your premise.

This guy is really affecting my vision. Oh yeah, that's much better. Oh, Peanut Butter Face.

What were some of the original titles of your books?
Oh I'm glad I did Peanut Butter Face before I answered the literary question. They were always really pretentious, like "More Light Than Heat" or "An Imperial Affliction". Both of which, it occurs to me, would be really good with the 'in your pants' rule.

Can you explain the "in your pants thing?
Yeah, our friend Maureen Johnson discovered that book titles are funnier when you add "in your pants" to the end of them. Like The Nature of Monsters in your pants, or The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work in your pants, or La Festa è Finita in your pants.

If Henry had been a girl, what would you have named her?
The Yeti and I agreed in advance that if the baby was a boy, he would be named Henry, and if the baby was a girl, she would be named Bubbles the Nerdfighting Lady Baby.

Are we ever gonna find out the lie from the April Fools video?
Yeah, the lie was that there was no lie.

How's Amsterdam?
It's great! The peanut butter is delicious!

Has Helen Hunt heard the Helen Hunt song yet?
No, but did you know that Helen Hunt has a Twitter?

What happens inside a black hole?
We don't really know, but scientists believe that being inside of a black hole is a great way to feel special because you're guaranteed to become a singularity. Anyone? No... Singularity jokes? It's physics. It's funny 'cause it's theoretical.

Can you restock the DFTBA shirts, please?
Bing, bing, bing, bing, done. All these shirts are back in stock at, your independently owned, uncorporate, deliciously disorganized, friendly neighborhood e-tailer.

What are the marks on your arm?
They're birth marks. Get used to them because they're gonna be around for the rest of my life. Unless my arm gets cut off...

How do you feel about Hank being a meme?
It's not like it's a competition or anything, but just to be clear: I am also a meme.

Where is Willy? Is he there with you in Amsterdam?
No. Willy's staying with the Yeti's aunt and uncle who he likes far better than he likes me. Willy has regarded me with suspicion ever since I revealed to you his inability to achieve a full tail-rection. He may not like me very much, but I bet he wishes he was here right now.

What is Willy's middle name?
Um...I guess technically it's Wilson Bubbles the Nerdfighting Puppy Roberts.

What are we doing for Hanko de Mayo?
There is a link in the dooblydoo on this very topic. Please click on it right now unless you are Hank. Hank, if you click on that link, I will cut off your fingers! Probably not; that's an exaggeration, but there will be serious consequences. There won't be any consequences, but don't click on the link!

Shouldn't you be writing your new book right now?
Yes. Yes, I should. Hank, I'll see you on Monday.