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In which John talks about being a Hufflepuff. The Wimbly Womblys take on Birmingham City.

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Hello and welcome to Hankgames without Hank. My name is John Green. I'm the manager of the sixth-place - oh man, we lost a place - AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys, who are playing at home today. In a stunning turn of events, it is raining in South London, but because it is January, that rain is coming down as snow.

We're starting John Green and John Green up front today, um... They're just uh... They're just two men who are in love with each other, who are also just absolutely adoring of their young son, JJ. And I'm so excited for them, and you know, they wanna, you know, they're ready to play. They're fit! They're excited, and they wanna beat Birmingham.

Lovely city in the Midlands. Maybe? I don't know. You'll remember that last time we played Birmingham, I wasn't sure if it was Birmingham, Alabama or Birmingham, England. It turns out it is Birmingham, England!

Anyway, their colors are yellow and black, so today I'm gonna talk about Hufflepuffs. Specifically Hufflepuff pride. Lots of people feel embarrassed about their Hufflepuffyness! Or their Hufflepuffletude. Or their... Their huffleness and their puffleness. Um, I am a Hufflepuff, both by self-identification and via the Pottermore sorting hat. Um, although I find the Pottermore sorting hat, I have to say, somewhat unreliable.

Um... I think the feeling among most Hufflepuffs is- well, look at me not pass out- across the box! Look at that. Look at that heroism. The feeling among many Hufflepuffs is like "well, I guess a quarter of people have to be Hufflepuffs". Um, I don't feel that way at all! Like, I'm quite proud to be a Hufflepuff. I think we've got great wizard-rock bands, like Tonks and the Aurors.

Um, but generally yeah, I- I- here's what I like about Hufflepuffs... Um, of course we're excellent finders. But I- what I- I guess- oh, God. Oh man. Oh boy! Oooooh, John Green! (sings) He's big, he's tough, he has a brilliant puff, Other John Green, Other John Green! (talks) Wow. That's just- you know, we just ripped their defense wide open, and then look at all that support that we had from the Wimbly Wombly supporters, and John Green was like "I can't miss from here, and I'm not going to!" And he didn't. He didn't.

It was just a great through-ball. We've been- we have been absolutely tearing our opponents apart with our though-balls, and then giving up late goals so that we end up with one-one draws. Um, it's how you win the cup!

So um... Yeah, okay, a few things I like about being a Hufflepuff... Number one, uh, people underestimate us, I think. People think that we're a certain kind of- a certain kind of nerdy, um... Sort of imagine us as being a bit doughy, physically weak, not particularly good at Quidditch, et cetera. In fact, um... That allows us - I'm in big trouble here - that allows us, I think, to be- to be effective.

Oh! That was not a good pass across the box. I wanna apologize to my friends and family. Look! Look how quickly I passed out of the box, huh? Huh?! And now suddenly it's on, because the Gaulden child- nope, dispossessed. He's so little! He's only nine, it's hard to play with these big guys.

Um... So yeah, it's been- so I think that- I think that when people underestimate you, it's to your advantage. Let me give you an example of what I'm talking about. I live in Indianapolis, and everyone I work with in the world of, you know like movies and publishing and VidCon and YouTube... All of those people- well, not all of them- the vast- oh, boy. That's a nice save there! That's a nice save.

Do you remember when Seb Brown saved two penalties against Luton Town to send us into the football league, Meredith? Such a great moment. Such a great- you know, if it weren't for those two saves that he made, we wouldn't even be playing FIFA right now as AFC Wimbledon because they wouldn't even be in the game! Seb Brown made all of this, and much more, possible! It's not an exaggeration to say that Seb Brown is the reason that we are here! It's crazy to think that, but it's true! None of us would be alive if it weren't for Seb Brown.

Um... So I live in- I live in Indiana, Hank lives in Montana, and almost everyone in the online video business lives in Los Angeles, almost everyone in publishing lives in New York, almost everyone in Hollywood lives in LA... And they often- people often assume that Hank and I live in either LA or New York, and they say "can we meet for coffee?" and I'm like "well we could, but I'm in Indianapolis, and you're in Los Angeles, and it seems like a long way to go for coffee."

Um... That- you would think is a disadvantage, and I think it is a disadvantage in many ways, especially when you're early in your career, I think people don't take you seriously. But once you've had some success, I think it's a big advantage to be underestimated, because I think it allows you to kind of work in peace without lots of people noticing what you're doing and commenting on it and trying to get in on it and stuff.

Like, Nerdfighteria was built largely away from the sort of peering eye of the big business online video world of like, selling your company to Disney and that kind of crap, and like, that's been really, really good for us. Um, and I think that was largely because we were underestimated in the manner of Hufflepuffs. Um, so there's one thing to- to take a lot of pride in.

Another thing to take pride in is in the fact of being an outsider, or in the fact of- those are some very pixelated scarfs! I don't wanna criticize our supporters, but I feel like they can afford better! Oh, God. That was a really bad pass. And if I score here, it's totally my fault. Instead I gave up a corner. I'm sorry! I'm not playing very- it's so Wimbly Wombly to score a beautiful goal and then just to lay back and not play well. It's just a Wimbly Wombly problem, this whole season. Fortunately, we've got Seb Brown at the back. I don't know how I feel about that particular throw, but... Still love you, Seb!

Um... So you know, like, there's something- there's something that binds you to your fellow Hufflepuffs by virtue of being a little bit on the outside, by virtue of being the- the sort of neglected house or the unc- the least cool house. I mean, if we're talking about what's essentially a nerdy past-time, discussing what house you're in... What? What did I do wrong? Was I too good-looking for that pass? Oh, it's half-time.

Um... Birmingham City are like "we gotta discuss our uniforms, which are way too bright for this occasion, and also how we are giving up these beautiful, searching balls." Look at that. Oh, my God. Just- oh! It's gorgeous. And the other thing is that Other John Green just finishes with a coolness. That's very appealing to me. He's just like "well, I have an opportunity- I've been here before. I know how to do this. I know how to serve the club that I love." And he does! And then he just runs toward the stands because he knows that his son is in the stands. He's actually in a luxury box though, because it's very cold outside - you don't want a baby in this stuff.

Um, oh boy! Oh man! Ohhh, Bald John Green gave up his run a little too quickly there, I would argue. That's a little frustrating. That's a difficult thing to live with, because I think we all know that I could have scored there. But we all know I could score here! Get that ball! Arghhhh. Ohhh, I thought that was really well-placed for a miracle. I really did. That's a long shot! It's searching! It's not good. It's not good. You should be embarrassed with yourself.

Um... Yeah, so if we're talking about a nerdy thing, like... Why not be the nerdiest? Um.... You know, isn't that the- isn't that the best way to be? To be all in on nerdy? Um... To be like, you know, I don't wanna be in the cool Hogwarts house, like... I wanna be um, I wanna be with my nerds!

So, yeah. That's what I like about being a Hufflepuff. I'm a completely unapologetic Hufflepuff. Hank is like a Ravenclaw, I guess, probably.

Oh no! Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Seb Brown! Okay, don't pass it- don't pass it in the box. They're gonna get mad at you! Okay. Is it my ball? Or is it their ball? Whose ball is it, sir?! It's mine! Look at Seb Brown with his jaunty little hands on hips thing! It's one of my favorite things about him. What are you doing? What the frick was that?! Seb!

Seb! What the frick- Asante Asante sc- ohhhh, God, I hate this game! People are gonna be yelling at me in comments Meredith. They're gonna be so upset that I went with that sh- that was so stupid. I don't even- I... Uhhhh, I'm sorry. That wasn't Seb Brown's fault, let's face it. That was John Green's fault, and not John Green- Other John Green or Bald John Green, but John Green manager. John Green button-masher. Oh, man! That was a Hufflepuff of a move.

Oh, my dad, Mike Green's coming onto the pitch! That's nice- that's nice to see. Always good to see my dad getting some playing time, here in FIFA 14. Oh, what a tackle! What a tackle, but I mean, all for nothing, but still! Fantastic! Let's go that way. Yes! I like it. To Other John Green! Yes. Yes. Yes. To ya Bamba? No? Yes? Maybe? Um... Ohhhh!

Ahhh, it's frustrating, guys! I'm feeling some anxiety right now. But there's ya Bamba - he always lifts me up when I'm down. Oh, that was a beautiful move! But ya Bamba couldn't keep it in bounds.

I think we've gotta look at our central midfield right now Meredith, because I feel that there's a little bit of fatigue creeping in. Hells Pells - not as young as he used to be. Time to bring on Kaz, who may not be long for the Wimbly Womblys, it must be said. And then I think we've gotta consider- I think we've gotta consider bringing on maybe a hot slice of Dicko? What do you think? Just kidding, I'm not really consulting you. It's definitely gonna be Dicko. I wasn't asking you. I was, but only rhetorically. We need- we need some Dicko in this game. It's time.

Um... I feel that- I feel that we can win this game! Will it be through John Green or John Green, or will it be through Dicko or some unlikely um, oft-forgotten hero? What a ball to ya Bambaaaaaaaa! Ohhhh. That was great though. I loved that- I loved that play. I loved the way of the pass, I loved the vision... I mean that- that gives me hope for the future. If we're ever gonna be a premier league club, if we're ever gonna be- if we're ever gonna play with the big boys, it's gonna be because of that- oh no. Oh no.

Fergaberg! D-ambrose! Damn, bros! Oh, man. You know what Hufflepuffs aren't famous for? Their FIFA playing. That's just despicable. One-nil up to two-one down.

Fortunately, we're bringing on Dicko, Kaz and K Sainte Luce, the patron saint of lost crosses. These are three substitutions I feel very strongly about, particularly Dicko. Oh, boy. Ya Bamba just immediately gets dispossessed.

We've gotta find a way to get a point from this game. We can't keep slipping in the standings. We need to stay in the top six to make it into the- to at least have a chance to move up to the premier league. Only the top two get promoted to the premier league, but the next four - three, four, five and six - they go into a little mini play-off, you might remember that from the disgrace of last season. And that mini play-off, the winner of that gets to go- that's a great- that's a great job, ya Bamba! Really nice run. I know that you're tired, keep going! Alright. Or give in, that's fine too.

That's not bad! Not bad, to the Gaulden child. He cuts back. I like that cut back! Oh! The Gaulden child - he's always- he's just still one dribble short, you know? He's a 19-week old baby, and he's still- he's still just- still just comes up a little short. That was a terrible pass. I'm entirely to blame if we give up a goal here. And we're going to! Oh, we didn't. Okay.

We've got five minutes here guys, five minutes! Let's go. Let's go. Let's go! It's Kaz! It's Kaz! It's Kaz! Oh, he's got so much energy, he's just boundless! Kaz! Ohhh, it's frustrating. Now we're just kind of in desperation mode, as our opponents are just passing back and forth to each other, humiliating us with their keep-away bullcrap!

Ohhhh, this is terrible! That was not a foul! Ridiculous. Then there's some unnecessary slide-tackling here at the end, and oh, it's all falling apart for the Wimbly Womblys. I think we need to take a long, hard look in the mirror, because that was a disappointing performance. I did not do the Hufflepuffs proud! I am sorry. Urghhhh.

Be proud of who you are my friends, there's nothing wrong with you. Even if you're terrible at FIFA, be proud. Anyway, at least the Hufflepuff colored team won. Thanks for watching. Best wishes.