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Uploaded:2014-09-15
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In which John does the British Tag. The Wimbly Womblys play Sheffield United.

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 Introduction


Hello and welcome to Hankgames without Hank. My name is John Green. I'm the manager of the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys, a team playing in the second tier of English football. There in the distance, you can see Callum Kennedy's hideous hair.

Today, in a stunning turn of events, it's raining in England. It's January! It's the transfer window. It's a miserable, rainy day, but as you can see in the background, the stands are full of people who love their Wimblys and their Womblys, who bleed Wimbly and Wombly blue.

Who's starting up front today? Dicko! Dicko and Deeney. Our captain, Dicko, and his uh, great compatriot and sidekick, whoooo Deeney! You know... The John Greens are not young and- they're both 31 years old, they're struggling a little bit with new parenthood. Um... JJ- it's- you know, it's a transition process, particularly when you're dealing- by the way, we're in fifth - particularly when you're dealing with adoption.

But look, it is never easy taking care of an infant! There's no such thing as like- people talk about easy babies... All there really is, it's just hard babies and harder babies - those are the only kind of babies I have ever encountered. It's a tremendous challenge, so they're a little exhausted. They were up all night. It's raining, it's miserable outside... I thought that I would give them the day off, unless of course we need them toward the end.

Um, today- and we're taking on Sheffield United. Their goalkeeper is named Long. That is of some concern to me... But uh... I believe in Dicko! They also have John John, which seems to be named after Bald John Green and Other John Green's baby, which is a little weird!

Today I'm gonna do the British tag. I don't really know what that is, but Meredith said it would be funny, and Rosianna said that um... Said that it's a popular thing on the YouTubes, and I do love me some YouTubes! So... Let's start Meredith! What's my first- do I have to answer questions? Or do I have to speak in an English accent? Because one of those things is going to result in absolute mortification. (pause)

 Question one


(1:50) How many cups of tea do I have a day? Um... And how many sugars do I take with my tea? Well, um... So I'm not a big caffeine drinker. I don't know if you guys know this, but I recently had meningitis. I can't remember if I've mentioned that in a Wimbly Wombly video, but uh... When I had meningitis, I- I experienced- although I still have headaches! But I experienced a dramatic improvement after I drank five shots of espresso in quick succession. But other than that, I don't really drink caffeine. Now I know that tea doesn't HAVE to be caffeinated, but I also know that it can be.

Oh, that's a nice ball! That's what we call, in the business, a searching ball. Um... Oh it's pretty- K Sainte Luce! No. God, what a terrible cross. Um... K Sainte Luce was uh, was ready. He was ready, but I liked that searching ball from our defensive midfield. We need to see more of that.

By the way Meredith, lots of people have been - I don't drink tea, so zero sugars - um, lots of people have been criticizing me for my passing in the box! For doing, for instance, when there's lots of people, I'll do something like this - I'll pass right across the box, and then that's when I give up goals. I appreciate the criticism, but my God, it's just absolutely vehement!

Um... So I apologize. I'm gonna try to go an entire game without passing back across the box. That's my goal- so right now, I have an op- nope! Whoops, I don't have the ball. Now I have an opportunity! I'm gonna choose not to. I'm gonna make a diff- Amankwaa Amankwaa's in goal today, by the way.

 Question two


(3:13) Alright Meredith, what's the next question in the British tag? My favorite part of my roast? Well, I don't- is that roast beef? Um... Just the- I like it pink! Is that the question? I like it, you know, reasonably- reasonably rare, but nothing that's gonna be dangerous. Nothing that might have salmonella! Very concerned about food poisoning. I find it extremely unpleasant. I really- I really, really- I'm highly motivated to avoid food poisoning.

You know what the most common cause of food poisoning is? Bean sprouts! You know those little bean sprouts? Never get bean sprouts in a sandwich! If you learned anything from the Wimbly Womblys, let it be that, my friends. Look at that pass not into the box! Just like the people want me to do. And then that's a nice ball to Dicko! That is a fantastic ball to Dicko! Dicko! Dickooo! Dicko! (sighs) That's frustrating. It's a little bit frustrating.

 Question three


(4:07) Meredith, what's the next question? I feel like I'm really bad at this British tag 'cause I don't do any of these British things! How are we ostensibly sharing the same culture- oh, what a ball from Dicko! But oh, Deeney wasn't up for it. I guess actually it was a little bit Dicko's fault for putting it a little bit behind him. But you've gotta say, right now, Sheffield United look absolutely disunited! There's nothing united about them.

Um... Alright, so- so far we've learned that I don't drink tea and don't have a great grasp on exactly what a roast is. Um... Yes. What's next? My favorite quintessentially British past-time? Well, I do quite enjoy uh, complaining about the weather.

Um... I enjoy um... That sort of uh, mix of optimism and knowledge that everything will not work out alright. You know that- you know how people often say like- ooooooooooooooh! Röcker! With his first goal as a Wimbly Wombly! Röcker! He honors Bald John Green, his friend and compatriot, with the moustache celebration and then one of the other Wimbly Womblys promptly puts his arm through Röcker's arm.

What a beautiful goal! It reminds me of old time rock and roll. Um, I was gonna try and sing that song, you know (sings) I like that old t- (talks) but I literally can't remember the melody. Um, I mean, I can't- I couldn't sing it anyway so it wouldn't be recognizable. What's a good song that's about rock and roll? Maybe a Billie Joel thing? Um... Uptown Girl? I don't know. What's a good song that has rock and roll in it? Rock.

(sings) I just wanna rock and roll all night! (talks) Nope. Can't really sing it. Is that by AC/DC, the same people who made Hells Bells? Maybe this is just the AC/DC team. Anyway, fantastic goal! Oh, my God! Speaking of fantastic! Oh! That was gorgeous up until the finish by who Deeney. But I mean, we have gotten- you can say that I pass back too much in the box when I'm in defense, but we have done way, way better at offense with our beautiful, big searching balls! Um... Context is everything.

Uh... What was the question? Quintessentially British thing? Well, I love- I love the football! Um... I love to talk about Liverpool Football Club and other matters of the heart, so I guess it would be that!

Um, by the way, it's half time. Sheffield United down one-nil to, what has been, I would argue, a dominant- dominant AFC Wimbledon... Except for that one- I mean, they called that a save, but that was really just Amankwaa Amankwaa catching the ball. Um... I feel good about where we are right now! Very confident, full of... Full of vim and vigor. Is that a traditionally British phrase?

 Question four


(6:45) Alright, what's next? My favorite word? Presumably British... Um... Uh.... Um, uh, I was thinking "loo"! It is the only British word I know, but I- don't have a funny word for toilet paper? Don't they- don't they call- loo roll! Yes! It still had the word loo in it - I can't escape that, that's the only word I know.

Loo roll is my favorite British word! What a- what a crunching tackle from Dicko! Dicko saying uh, "I may be an offensive player, but I know how to take you out!"

 Question five


(7:22) Um, what's next? What would my pub be called? Greens. Just- just John- John Green's. John space Green apostrophe S. I don't really like it when pubs are named after anything other than their proprietors. What would your pub be called, Meredith? You haven't thought about that?

Yeah, I really- I'm a big believer... D'you ever read that book by this guy, I think his name was McCarthy, I'm almost positive that it was. Um... And he went and visited every McCarthy's bar in all of Ireland! Um, it was a great- very funny book. He goes from like, you know, Dublin to the- to the wild west and everything.

Did I- I didn't just pass inside the box, did I? I know I was just inside the box. I wasn't paying attention. I hope I didn't! I don't like to offend my loving audience.

Ohhh, that's nice! That's nice! Ohhh, Dicko just couldn't quite settle it. Oh, Dicko! Dicko! What a- what heroism from Dicko! And then it's the little Gaulden child. Oh no, that was less Moore? It was less Moore, I guess. This is nice! Look at that. Are we Barça, are we Barça in disguise?! No. No, we aren't. Boy, that was a bad give-away.

Um... What- is that it? Have I finished the British tag? Oh no, I haven't. Oh no! Oh no, I didn't do anything wrong! Oh. And everything worked out better than expected! I mean, I did something wrong but not- much better than usual! K Sainte Luce. K Sainte Luce! Oh, that's a great pass. That's just beautiful. Pass it back to K Sainte Luce, why don't cha. Mmm, maybe not out of bounds next time? Just throwing it out there as an idea.

 Question six


(8:51) What's my next question? My number one British person of all time? All time?! Queen Elizabeth I, I guess. Probably. Ever? Shakespeare?! It's very difficult! Steven Gerrard? It's either Steve Gerrard, Queen Elizabeth I or William Shakespeare. Those are my three finalists.

I would say that in terms of bravery and ethics and sticking to your values and being beautiful, Steve Gerrard. In terms of wielding power smartly, uh... The first, you know, like 30 years of Queen Elizabeth's rule. In terms of writing good poetry, I might- still lean towards Steve Gerrard - his autobiography, My Story, is excellent... But in the end, I think I'm gonna go Shakespeare. Yep.

 Question seven


(9:46) Is that it? Am I done? What British song pops into my head? Um... Something by the Beatles. We love you, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, I just wanna hold your hand. I like that hold your hand song. Money can't buy me love. I like the Beatles' real pop stuff the most, you know. Not the Sgt. Pepper's- I like- I mean, obviously Sgt Pepper's is a great album, but I'm just telling you what I like the most.

You know what I would've liked the most? Is if maybe we could've scored there. K Sainte Luce, I need you to get into the middle of- the center of the midfield, because- obviously there is widespread failure. So we're protecting a narrow, narrow one-nil lead here in the eighty-second minute. Meredith, am I at least close to being done with the British tag? Um, you skipped a few. Yeah, I mean, I'm not- I'm just not British!

 Question eight


(10:29) What else is there? Give me one more. Do I like Marmite? Is that a kind of rat? Is that a- is that a rodent? It's a jelly? I don't- I'm not a big jelly guy.

No, that looks horrifying. That looks like it's very salty. I'm not- I don't love excess sodium, although I guess I just read a study- Aaron Carroll just showed me a study about how I need to be eating more sodium, so... But I mean, can't I just get it in straight salt and not-don't have to do Marmite? Sounds horrible. No offense, British people.

Oh, God! (sharply inhales) Arghhhhh! Urghhhhh, I think I kicked it into my own net. I think I kicked it into my own net, Meredith. I'm not positive- I'm hoping M Hill did it. Yeah, nope, I didn't kick it into my own net. That was just- oh no, I did. I did. I did. I did. I definitely did. Came off my body.

Alright, now we have two minutes to score a goal and um, fortunately we have the two greatest men in the history of AFC Wimbledon to come in and score that goal for us - John Green, John Green aaaaand... I don't know, maybe the Gaulden child? What do you think, Meredith? We like the Gaulden child. He's talented, beautiful... Sort of flawless. Er no, let's just resume the match. Can we make these substitutions now, please?

 Question nine


(11:54) Can I get one more question, I guess? My favorite British store? Hmm. Hmm... I don't know! I mean, the only one I really know is H&M which I'm not crazy about, to be honest with you. It's just not my scene. I feel really old when I'm in H&M. Um... Come to think of it though, I feel really old in most stores these days.

 The end of the game


Oh, God. That's frustrating. We really needed to be better there. Good tackle from the Gaulden child but not good enough... Aaand it looks like we're gonna have to settle for a point. Just kidding! It looks like we're going to lose the game. Okay, we didn't lose the game, so that's a relief. But uh, maybe we have time for one more attack? Maybe, maybe, maybe? Through John Green. Up, up, up! Nope. Obviously not that pass! "Oh, I know who to pass it to! The guy in red!" No, I would have gone in a different direction, myself.

Ahhh, great goal from Röcker - his first goal as a Wimbly Wombly, but then we give it all away, uh, to Mike Hill in the eighty-eighth minute. It's frustrating! Life is hard and full of disappointments my friends, and I am terrible at being British.

But I'll tell you what! I love the football, and I love Bald John Green. I love K Sainte Luce, the patron saint of lost crosses. I love the Gaulden child, I love Callum Kennedy- mmm, I don't love Callum Kennedy but I- I respect him. I respect him neck-down! I love that man from the neck-down. Thanks for watching! Best wishes.