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In which John gives advice about first dates. The Swoodilypoopers take on Ipswich Town.

Tweet Us: @SwindonSwoodily
Hello, and welcome to Hank games without Hank; my name is John Green - in a stunning turn of events, it is raining in England. Today, I bring you the gingers anchoring our defense, Ginger Rampage and Ginger McShane. As well as Ginger Smith, out as right back. On the left back, we have He Who Shall Not Be Named. Our midfield - We Call Him Bob - his name is Verba-[gibberish] - oh, and look who's on the bench! It's S. Ferry, who used to play for Swindon Town. But got bought by Unicorn team. So congratulations; I'm glad that you're playing for Unicorn team. And I hope that you have a good career.

So today I'm going to tell you how to go on a date. Your first date. Not your first date ever, but you know, a first date with a person. This is one of my areas of expertise, because I've been on a lot of first dates, and very few second dates. So I know how to have an effective first date.

Here's the number one thing: It shouldn't be... you shouldn't focus so much on what you do; you should focus on having an opportunity to get to know the person that you're talking to, and find out if you like them. Because when I talk to people who are married or in a long-term relationships or whatever, and they talk about their first date, it's almost never like the quality of the... you know, the quality of the food at the restaurant, or how clever she or he was to do x or y; it's usually like, 'Oh, we had a great time talking to each other!'

John Green! You are a known finisher. Hmm, it's disappointing. And disappointing. Disappointing! And then that was a disappointing corner kick by Leroy Williamson. Oh. Oh! Oh! [SWI - #10 J. Green 10'] OH! GET IN SON! YEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHH!! [gibberish] BOXER! Hmm! [sings] He's big! He's tough! He has a brilliant puff! Other John Green! Other John Green!

What a great... I mean, just take it away from him, and score. Just... that's how you do it! That's what we're going to be doing - we're on, we're currently on pace to win this game, 9-nothing, and I intend to do it! Just kidding. I don't intend to do it. Two-one, after some terrible defending.

Oh look, I'm already fulfilling the prophecy. Great... again, though, saved by a ginger. This show should really be called "Saved by a Ginger", because that's what we so often are. Um, come on. Come on! There you go! Get to the box! Get it in to the... hmmmm. Nice clearance. Full points there for the unicorn people for a nice clearance out of the box.

Yeah, so don't focus so much on the, don't worry so much about what you're going to do, or like, 'Is it going to be?', 'Are they going to think that you're cool if you take them place x or place y?' Like that kind of, like that kind of nervousness does not lead to a good first date. You really have nothing to be nervous about, because the world has more than seven billion people in it, and if this one doesn't like you, that's not really going to be an issue, because there are literally seven billion more. It's an incalculably high number. You shouldn't put so much pressure on yourself. So, yeah, there's my advice.

OOHHHHHHHHHH... [SWI - #19 M. Maric 23'] ---

Do you remember last season, how goal, how many goals selectively mute Merrick Maric did not score? I.e. all of them? How is it that in FIFA '13, the very same selectively mute Merrick Maric has become an absolute Swindon legend? Explain... I genuinely don't understand! I mean, the guy has come from being a central defender who was kind of a cult hero who the supporters loved, and everybody thought he was awesome - he had this great backstory of being selectively mute and everything - but he's come from being that to being a... really, really freaking good! Awesome! It's just... oh, I love him! I love him. I love everything about the guy. He's extremely quiet. But I value that. I think it's a good thing.

So what should you do? You should probably... there are two kinds of people in this world: people who really feel super-comfortable eating food around strangers, and people like me, who think that eating food with people they hardly know is an actual form of torture, and like a way to get them to talk about like - if you threaten me with having to have dinner with a woman who I was - oh! Great job there, Green Eggs and Foderingham! - a woman who I was attracted to, but did not know well, I would be like, 'What do I have to do in order to not do that?' So just like go bowling or something. The activity is not that important. Meredith is looking at me like I am a hot slice of crazy. You don't like bowling dates? What could be more romantic? You're wearing - you're wearing the shoes of a stranger. It's hot.

Oh! That's a foul in the b - oh, that should have been a very promising free kick, but instead, the unicorns are on the run. Fortunately for me, I have Ginger Rampage on my team.

Yeah, so that's what I think. Just - you know. Here are some activities: go bowling. If you're the kind of person who doesn't think it's a form of torture to go out to eat with something you don't know well, go out to eat with them. The only problem with going to a movie is that it's two hours of not talking, which is sometimes kind of good, but I think - ideally, you want to go to a sort of an early movie, sort of a 5 PM movie, and then a drink afterwards - coffee is fine, it doesn't have to be alcoholic - look at that steal from John Green and then, just the coolest finish that you could ever see. Yeah, just coffee is a good - coffee is a good first date; that might even be better than bowling!

Um, yeah. I don't know. I haven't been on a first date, bear in mind, in ten years. I don't even know what you people do now. It probably has to do with the Internet. Probably just go on Tumblr together. Oh! F... That's a... He got f-[gibberish]! Ye, ye, ye, yay, EXACTLY! No no no, that is correct! You should get, you should receive a red card, because I was alone in the box - who's finishing? Oh, okay.

That was not good, not good, not good, no! Slipped on the slippery water! Oh, it is raining. That was, that was not a good penalty; I apologize to my friends and family, and I most apologize to We Call Him Bob, because he wanted that - you know he wanted that goal; it would have been his first of the season; he wasn't even sure if he was going to start. He's not going to be as consistent a starter as he has been in the past, because Bostock is really... oh no! Don't worry, we've got Green Eggs and Foderingham on our team.

That is a foul, and you should get a yellow card; that was extremely naughty. What!? Corner kick!? That's the opposite of what I think should have happened. Okay. Oh, there we go. We got the ball. And it's A. Judge. You will be judged! There we go! Nope. No, it's all for nothing. Like so much e... no, it isn't for nothing! Now it is. It is, don't worry, it is. So much effort in this world comes to nothing.

Oh! That was almost a beautiful team goal, the kind that we used to score! In the halcyon days of never.

The other thing I would recommend, though, about going on a first date, and don't... like, you have to have a good feel for how things... you have to be able to read situations well. And the way to learn how to read situations is by going out on more than one first date. So, like, don't expect your first first date to go that well. And don't expect yourself to know it it's going well, necessarily.

But also, I want to say, don't be afraid to... I would say, don't be afraid to walk away if it's just a total disaster. I've done that a few times. Particularly when I was Internet dating. I would just be like, 'I think we both know that this is just, this is not a good use of our time'.

Yeah, I don't know why I'm giving this advice, Meredith. Because I am the worst, I am the worst dater. I was terrible at it. I mean, I was just awful, awful. Hideously bad. And the only people I ever successfully dated were people I was already friends with. That's another thing. I think it's weird - it just puts so much pressure on it to call it a date. Can't you just have an incident where you were spending time alone with a person with whom you have some romantic interest?

Oh, Leroy Williamson! [SWI - #7 L. Williamson 75'] YES! Go punch the goalkeeper! Mmm! You beauty! Let's hear the song, Meredith. [fans sing] Leroy Williamson, scores occasionally! Leroy Williamson, scores occasionally! Leroy Williamson, scores occasionally! (He doesn't always score!) Leroy Williamson, scores occasionally! (He doesn't always score!)

It's such a jaunty tune - one of my favorites. Oh... no! Obviously I wanted you to pass to breaking Other John Green in that situation, however, we are 3-nil up, so maybe I shouldn't whine too much. I'm really, really happy with the result that we're getting here against the Unicorns.

I know that this can't be easy for Sheppard Ferry to watch, but... the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers appear to be headed the right direction after be... oh no! Oh No! Don't worry, we've got gingers back there! Oh, do worry, do worry. But everything worked out. I'd like to see a replay of that, because that seemed impossible. I'm just... I hate to do this to you guys, but I'm just going to take a quick glance at what happened there.

Hold on. Because that was very strange. Can we go backwards? I want to go back... hmm, hmm, hmm... Yep, yep, yep yep yep yep yep. Yeah. Okay. You guys having fun? I know I'm having a great time. I agree, this is a good use - maybe you should just take your date to Swoodilypooper games! [laugh]

What'd you - how'd you guys meet? 'Well, we were both supporters of a fictional soccer team called the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers, and we went and watched a game together, where John talked about how to go on a first date! And we fell in love.' I would love - that would be a great love story. But if someone told me that, I'd know they'd be lying.

One time, someone told me they fell in love from Vlogbrothers videos. They were like, 'We were dating - we were friends, we were Internet friends, and then we starting watching Vlogbrothers, and through watching Vlogbrothers together, we started dating.' And I was like, 'Oh, that's so romantic! When did you start dating?' And they said, 'Oh, in like November of 2006.' And I was like, 'That's fascinating, because at the time, I did not even own a video camera!' They actually met - they actually met because they were both sports racers, fans of Ze Frank. And the actual person who was responsible for their marriage was Ze Frank. So whether it goes well or poorly, blame Ze.

Oh, look at that in the distance; you see how they are holding their - um, their scarves, and literally singing in the rain, 3-nil up against the unicorns of Ipswich. And I just - this is what I love to see. Love it! This is, this is Swindon football, right here. And it looks like we're going to win 3-nil. Unless we go down there and score again, with Fireball Wilson Groberts at the helm. It's possible... never rule him out! Never rule him out! No, you got to pass in that situation, We Call Him Bob!

Oh. Well, it could have been four, but instead it's three. Which isn't bad. Merrick Maric - his jersey inaccurately labels him Milos - scores again, and we win! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!

Thank you for watching; best wishes.

[vs. Ipswich Town: W 3-0

SWI: Other John Green 10', Merrick Maric 23', Leroy Williamson 75']