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In which Hank fails more!
Hello, horsie! I am re-beginning. I'm doing this ag- I'm playing this game again, uh, welcome to me playing the game again. I now kinda control this area, which is awesome, so I've got these little mercenaries and the guards aren't gonna give me a hard time, and I'm going to, uh, get thanks, I believe, from the people who I just helped.

I just have to find where they live, with my horsey. Me and my horsey are going to find out. And I almost missed it, but there they are. Hello! I'm jumping right off him saying, 'Hello!' Are you going to thanks? Thanks? Give me a thanks.

(Ezio. We sent those luridi codardi running for the hills!) Those fucking cowards running for the hills! Yes, we did. It's so good! you can curse, as long as it's in another language. Um, yes. (I'm no good with these things. You are the educated one, you approve the plans!) You are the educated one, you approve the plans! Okay, I will approve the plans, a-as long as that's easy, because I'm also not well-informed on the construction of barras. Barracks. I'm not even sure how to pronounced barracks. Bah-rahx. Barracks Obama.

Uh, what's-- what's going on? Where am I going? What am I doing? What-- eh-- I'm on a blue spot. The blue spot's-- Hello! Who are you? Oh, you are architect! I will speak to the architect. Now he's wh--

Renovating Bartolomeo's barr-- will upgrade! Of course! Of course upgrade it! Well, I'm so glad that I was able to advise you so well on the construction of your barracks, uh, by pushing a button. Guaranteed for life! Did that cost me a lot of money? 'Cause it didn't seem like it did. It seemed like it was free. Oh! Cut-scene! Excellent!

(Isn't she a thing of beauty?) She is. I designed it myself. (More men join us every day. It has become very competitive, which is just the way I like it.) I don't know what that means. What does that mean, 'competitive'? They wanna be your-- They wanna fight for you?

So uh, those almost looks like the Medici balls up there on the left hand side. There are six of them, but still, just-- (Gian's fighting downstairs!) What? (If you're looking to show off, we also have fights.) Oh. Ohohoho. I could-- I could-- (Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got money on the match.) Could I get paid to be in fights? Because I feel like I would probably be pretty good at that! Just sayin'! I got skills.

(He has such an aggressive view of the world) It is a little bit barbaric. But... I stab people for a living. So. (Take these carrier pigeons for example.) Oh, it's beautiful. Stop flirting with me, I said that I wouldn't flirt with you! (Eliminate them and you will have more of an impact than a battle ever could.) Oh! Very clever! You're very smart! (Can you ask Bartolomeo to come see me at Isola Tiberina with a report about Cesare and Rodrigo's whereabouts?) (He will be there.) Okay, I will-- I need to know more about Cesare and Rodrigo's whereabouts, because those people are...not my friends. 

'Kill only the Borgia Captain.' Well, that wasn't gonna happen, I killed like 50 people. Hello, horsey! Okay, you're gonna have to come from this direction. I saw you! You were just waiting right around the corner, weren't 'cha? Twiddlin' your little Twiddling your hooves. Horsey. Twiddles. Twiddle it~ Just a little bit~ Heh. Heheh. Heheheheh. I don't think that--

What am I doing with these? I'm confused. I, I don't see why I would want to destroy them. Interact. I'm gonna interact. Hello! Oh, hello pigeon. You're so very cute! Oh, I can accept the-- I don't. I don't need. I don't need, uh, a mission right now. I got other stuff to do. Where'd my horse go? Horsey? Where'd you go?

Oh. You're over there. Why'd you go over there? You were like 'Well, I guess he doesn't need me anymore.' Okay. Nice, putting on the brakes there? That was awesome. Okay. Okay. Oh, there's a Borgia tower here, but I don't think that one's part of my mission, so I'm gonna leave it for now.

And...what's closer? What is closer? Closey? Closer closer? Where-- wha-- no, I don't wanna go all the way out to Italy. That was too much. Um... so that one is definitely not closer. This one is definitely closer. Let's go to the closer one. Which direction is that? It's this way. Let's go this way then, in that case. I am so good at running and stuff. Wha-- dude, move. Okay. Let's go. Let's do this thing.

Hey, did you want your money? Oh, actually,  I did, so you can't have it. Also you. That guy had, like, pox, though. I shouldn't wanna- I shouldn't steal his money if he has-- he was, like, itching himself. That's never a good sign in medieval Italy, if somebody's itchy. Probably everyone was itchy, actually, come to think of it. Probably every single person I'm walking by, including me, is itchy, because that's just what the Renaissance was like. People were itchy, y'know? It was an itchy time. There was lots of reasons to be itchy, and, uh, yeah. And, and you know, I'm not gonna-- I'm not gonna blame him for being itchy. I'm gonna blame her for having too much money, and maybe I'll take it from her. And this guy. And this guy. But, you know, they looked more wealthy than they turned out to be and that, that's a little bit...discouraging, because I thought that they were gonna have more money than they did. And they didn't have very much money at all.

(Ey!) Hey! Stupid homeless people tripping me! What do they think I am? 'Piazza Navona.' Piazza Navo-- I had to run down this alley. God, if this is the close one, where is the far away one? Where am I going? I see it. Okay, that was a longer jump than I expected. That was really inelegant, Ezio. You should be better at this. I love these things, that, like, connect the buildings. Yeah, those existed. Totally. Those are, those were totally useful. Everybody had those, back in the Renaissance. 

Aw haha, that was sort of pathetic. Okay, it's on the map! It's on my map! I have almost arrived. Which is good, because I'm sure that you're all getting bored. I know I was. Um, so yeah. I'm gonna jump off of this, uh, pigeon Ah, nope. I won't. Oh, I'm sorry, hah, sorry about stealing your money, too. You look like you have money-- Nope, not very much money at all. Kitty bags! And...where am I going.

You? You? What? Right here? You guys? No? Where is the-- what-- Where am I going? This? Oh, shiny door! Shiny door! Shiny door! Interacting with the shiny door. Okay, obviously. (Welcome to the Rosa in Fiore, stranger.) Oh, I have to-- This is where I'm getting a, I'm whipping the...Madame, into, into shape. (Madonna Solari is not in.) Well, I heard that she's lazy! So I bet she is in.

(Aiuto, aiuto! Madonna Solari--) Oh, another nipple-less woman. (Lucia, we thought you were gone for good!) Your little... pointy hairs are funny. (Who took you on a ship?) What? That's just-- That's never good. They- They tried-- No? (They want coin in exchange for her life.) (I will get her back.) Oh, I will, I will teach them a lesson or two! Ahaha, i will, instead of coin in exchange for their life, I will stab them in the brain in exchange for her life. 

'Deliver the money necessary to save the--' wait, I don't wanna deliver money. I don't wanna deliv-- ah-- no. I want to kill them. Delivering money is- is not my way of doing things. I keep the money. And then I, uh, I stab them. I don't know if- I don't know if you're aware that that is how I do things. Okay.

Full synchronization is 'Do not swim,' because apparently real-life Ezio didn't like to swim, which is, you know, makes sense, since people in the Renaissance thought that water was dirty. Which it was. Extremely. Uh, so there's a reason why they thought the water was dirty. But, um, ah, Ezio probably should have gotten over that prejudice due to his... uh.. awesome abilities? Unfortunately...

Where is this ship? Where is it? I don't see a slave ship. How far away is this place? God, Rome is big. Rome is big, man. All the way over there. Okay. It's right on top of a Borgia tower, too, so I'm gonna have to kill some people. Horsey! Horsey! There you are! Saw you coming that time. Oh, thanks for killing all those people on the way. That was fun. Yeah! Yeah. Good job. Uh-huh.

Moving on! Sorry, sorry, death, death by trample, death by trample, that's your fault, get out of my way. Your fault. Oh, you didn't get out of my way! None of you did! Death by trample. Oh, sorry. Nope, your fault. Not even sorry. Your fault, your fault, your fault, your fault, your fault. You should get out of the way more. You should, uh, just not exist. That's, that's one option. To not exist.

Where am I? I'm in some very ruined part of the city. Some old, old part of the city. Very interesting. Uh, I don't understand, really. Uh, I've never been to Rome, so I don't really understand Rome. This stuff is probably a part of the city that has been knocked down by now. That is my guess.

All right, Ezio, let's go! Do your thing! Do your thing. How far away is this place? That is why you repair the little-- the little places. Okay,  at least I see now that we are Borgia Captain nearby-ish. That's always good. So, I'm gonna take out my Assassin's Dagger, and... don't worry about me! I'm not here! I'm not here! Oh. Did you just stomp on my feet? Okay, luckily you were the only one who saw me.

Can I lock onto you and just shoot you with one of these? Uh, he turned out to not die in that circumstance. Uh. Where did he go? All right, can I jump this? ...No! And I...full synchronization has failed... wait, where did my-- where did my Borgia Captain go? 

Okay. Well, um, now, now I'm in trouble. Or at least, maybe you guys are. Now you're in trouble. Okay, so you're all dead, that's good, at least. 'The Borgia Captain is regrouping with his troops, who will return with the next guard shift at dawn or dusk'?! Oh, come on! Just 'cause I stabbed him? I, okay, well, that's a lesson to be learned. The Borgia Captains do not like being hit with throwing knives. Even two at once.

Um, faster, Ezio. (Hey!) What? What's wrong? (Aaaah!) Yeah, that was an appropriate scream. Um, I'm gonna stab-- would it be okay if I stabbed you? I'm just gonna-- WHOOCHOOGAO! Ohoho, I love the aerial assaults.

Okay, well, this would have been really easy to do without swimming if I hadn't, um, if I had tr-- Owww! What-- Crossbow? Jerk! That is not my fault that I killed you. That is all your fault. 

Okay, paying the ransom? I completely disagree with that policy-- (Here's your money.) What? Really? How about I kill you? Take it back. (No! Take it up with Cesare!) Oh what?! She had the cute hair thingies! Oh man. Aw man, you guys are so gonna die. Oh, you're nimble. You're nimble.

'The Captain is fleeing'? The Captain is not fleeing. I don't know who you're talking about. I'm taking your little knife and stabbing you with it, and then I'm gonna stab your friend with it, and then I'm gonna stab your other friend with it, and I'm gonna stab your OTHER friend with it, and I'm gonna stab your other friend with it, and I'm gonna stab your OTHER friend with it-- aww, I should have just ended there. I was trying to stab him i-- Oh, sorry about slicing your neck open!

'Return to the Rosa Fio--' I'm really disappointed! See, that's why I don't pay ransoms! And where's the money? Where-- who got the money? Which one of you had the money?  'Cause I have to get that back, at least. Uh, well, you had a good number of F's, I, I don't know how big the ransom was. Whoa, you are, you're all pretty well off, aren't you? Okay! Well this is excellent, that I decided to loot you guys. 

Oh, my goodness. Indian Diamond?! What kind of pirates are you?! Obviously successful ones-- Jeweled Headdress?! I could put that on myself right now and be quite happy. Oh, well, you were just-- you were not a pirate, you were just a regular guy. And-- And an Amber Grist! Ambe-- Did I get you all? I wanna make sure I got you all, 'cause, you guys are loaded. Cardinal's Purple Dye?! I'm pretty sure that purple dye is, is expensive! You? I forgot about you? Excellent. Oh I'm-- Oh, man. Ind- Another Indian Diamond! Oh, I don't want that. I have it, though.

Okay. Okay, yes. 'The Borgia Captain'-- I wanna, I wanna just, can I just, I tho-- I know you're a sailor, and I know that you like to be buried at sea. So goodbye. Oh, well that would have been really easy to get full synchronization if I hadn't tried to do that stupid jump!

Um. 'The Borgia Captain is regrouping with his troops. He will return with the next guard shift at dawn or dusk.' Horsey! Where are you? Coming from the other direction? Yes you are. Hello! Hello!

Well that, probably, this has become a very long video. Because... I got distracted, and, so on. So, uh, yes. I will see you... You will not see me, I will not see you, but you will hear me tomorrow. Okay. That is all. Goodbye.