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Last sync:2023-01-21 02:00
In which John answers a lot of questions. If you're having trouble joining the mailing list for the secret project, be sure to check your spam folder--and be patient. We're working on it. Thanks for all the great questions; sorry I couldn't get to more of them!


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A Bunny

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John: Good morning Hank, it's Tuesday. It's Question Tuesday, and even though there's like 7,500 people watching me talk into my video camera, I am still gonna answer as many of your questions as I can within 4 minutes.

The first question and arguably most important question is this:

Questioner John: I signed up for the mailing list but I can't seem to get your e-mails, why is that?

Answerer John: It's either because our e-mails are going to your spam folder, in which case you need to unblock and, and also look in your spam for the e-mails. Or else it's because you have Hotmail and for some reason the e-mails aren't getting to you at all. We're working on that. Anyway, sign up for the mailing list, it's gonna be the best mailing list ever.

QJ: Next question: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

AJ: It is indeed true that woodchucks cannot chuck wood, but one wildlife biologist calculated that if they could chuck wood, they could chuck about 700 pounds per day.

QJ: Will you marry me?

AJ: That would make me a felon, and I don't want to go to prison. Nerdfighters don't win in prison.

QJ: Why is the name of your website Sparks Fly Up?

AJ: It's taken from a line in the book of Job from the Bible, "Man is born to trouble, like the sparks fly upwards."

QJ: What's your stance on gay marriage?

AJ: I'm for it.

QJ: How many books do you own?

AJ: Around 1300.

QJ: Would you ever clone yourself?

AJ: Yeah. I know how well it turns out because I've watched Star Wars.

QJ: Who's Hank?

AJ: Hank is a mass of incandescent gas located about 26,000 light years from the center of the Milky Way. Hank is responsible for 99.8% of the solar system's mass. If you stare at Hank for too long, you will go blind.

QJ: Are you dreading the end of the year or are you looking forward to it?

AJ: There's a great writer named Amy Krouse Rosenthal who taught me a word, wabi-sabi. I feel very wabi-sabi about all of it.

QJ: If you could live off one kind of poison, what would it be?

AJ: That's one of those massively hypothetical questions like, "Would you rather live in a house made out of human bones or would you rather have to snort all of your nutrition through your nose every morning?" But just because it's massively hypothetical doesn't mean I don't have an answer. House of human bones and definitely cyanide, because it tastes like bitter almonds and they're delicious.

QJ: What's the best video game you've ever played?

AJ: Wii Tennis. 2,399 skill level for the win.

QJ: Can an SUV owner be a nerdfighter?

AJ: Clearly, yes. (Shows picture of nerdfighter kneeling in front of an SUV with a vanity plate that reads, "NRDFTR") Hank, check that out.

John: Hank, I've switched airports, but I'm still answering questions.

QJ: have you guys ever noticed that Hank looks kind of like Ryan Felipe and John looks kind of like Tim Robbins?

AJ: No. I didn't know that, but thanks. That doesn't hurt my feelings at all! Tim Robbins is 49 years old.

QJ: What do you find so appealing about Walt Whitman's Song of Myself?

AJ: You'll find out when Paper Towns comes out.

QJ: When does Paper Towns come out?

AJ: September.

QJ: Heat-vision or power to fly?

AJ: Definitely power to fly. R. Kelly and I have exactly one thing in common: We believe we can fly.

QJ: How long have you been playing video games?

AJ: Since Christmas day 1984.

QJ: Favorite Beatle?

AJ: John.

QJ: Favorite Color?

AJ: Green.

John: Oh my gosh Hank, if you combine my answers to the last 2 questions, you get, like, me.

QJ: I think I'm slowly undergoing a change from Nerdfighter-in-training to full-fledged Nerdfighter. How will I know when that has occurred?

AJ: You will wake up one morning and notice that instead of the blood that has always been coursing through your veins, your heart will be pumping only awesome.

QJ: Are you Mary Tyler Moore?

AJ: I don't think so. But then again, Mary Tyler Moore and I have never been seen in the same place at the same time, so I suppose it is possible.

QJ: A man walks up the stairs, turns off the light and goes to bed. The next morning he walks downstairs, reads the paper, and promptly commits suicide. Why?

AJ: The man was a guard at a lighthouse. As a result of him turning off the light, a ship wrecked; he read about it the next morning. And as a result, he was so despondent that he committed suicide. Riddle pwned!

QJ: What is your opinion of the 1969 concert, Woodstock?

AJ: I'm sure it was an excellent concert, but there's no way there was enough public toilets and I have a strict policy against attending under-toileted events.

QJ: If you had a monkey, what would you call it?

AJ: Bubbles the Nerdfighting Monkey.

QJ: What does the Yeti look like?

AJ: She looks kinda like a kitten wrestling a rainbow.

QJ: What did you do before Looking for Alaska was published?

AJ: I was a star of a television show called The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

QJ: Do you think it's inevitable that humans will one day be controlled by robots?

AJ: Unfortunately, I think that people will actually go extinct before robots can take us over.

QJ: How many questions do you think you can answer in four minutes?

AJ: I don't know, but I know this: I can only answer two more.

QJ: What's our scavenger hunt clue?

AJ: In New York City there is a baby penguin. That baby penguin is flanked by two baby Washington Monuments. If you open the door to one of those Washington Monuments, you will find a prize.

QJ: When will you see Hank?

AJ: Tomorrow.