Grace: Okay, so I've created a segment for you today-

John: Okay!

Grace: that's called uhm...I'm not totally 100% sure-

John: Should we do an intro?

Grace: This is how my channel works, John.

John: No, I've seen your videos. (Grace laughs)

Text: Media Offline: OpeningCard-Apple ProRes 422 (Proxy)

John: Hey, hey! Cheers!

Grace: Cheers!

John: To it'sGrace!

Grace: To it'sGrace! Yay!

John: The best YouTube channel ever! Mmm...

Grace: Ah, beer is delicious which brings me to the name of the segment. It's called Brutally Honest.

John: Oh, brewww! ...I see it's a pun.

Grace: Yeah. Cause I just ha-

John Do you ever spend time with Hannah Hart? Or Mamrie?

Grace: No...no...

John: Ohhh...okay.

Grace: They seem like they're just one giant period. Hmm. Of a time. Ummm...

John: (laughs) That wasn't a good pun.

Grace: No. It wasn't. At all. That's why I- I should be spending more time with them. So...okay.

John: I like your eyes. The whooshkopoo

Grace: Oh, yeah. My New Jersey is coming out a lot more with my age, in that I'm putting more and more black eye liner on. It's...

John: Did you just say my New Jersey is coming out more and more?

Grace: I mean, that would be the title of my porn. Would be New Jersey.

(Grace and John laugh)

Grace: That has to exist somewhere. 

John: Yeah. I'm so excited. I mean, the best thing about having The Fault in Our Stars movie come out-

Grace: Yeah!

John: -is that it dramatically increases the chance that there will be a Fault in Our Stars porn parody.

Grace: (gasps) What would it be called?

John: I don't know. I'm not very good at puns.

Grace: Oh no.

John: We're gonna have to- Actually I think porn companies are now hiring Mamrie to name their movies.

Grace: Oh, I'm sure. Yeah, she's going through storyboards right now. Uh, now I'm so distracted.

John: (laughs) Panic! Panic!

Grace: Okay, anyway. This segment is basically just- I'm gonna ask you a bunch of questions and you be as honest as you want about them.

John: Mmkay.

(1:35)

Grace: Did you know prior to your wife having a child that women like, shit themselves while they have birth?

John: They don't always.

Grace: Well, probably like always.

John: They don't always.

Grace: But like.

John: No, they don't always.

Grace:Every woman that has had a child is like...

John: Nope.

Grace: Put it all out there.

John: Nope.

Grace: Okay.

John: Lots of times, not always.

Grace: So you have two, so...with the percentage of her having that experience is upped...math...sense.

John: Uhm...

Grace: Did you know this, though, prior to your wife having a child?

John: Uh, that was Sarah's, like, number one anxiety going into delivery. More than, more than to have to push a child out of, out of her special place.

Grace: (laughing) Yeah...

John: Uh, was this thought of, of potentially, yes.

Grace: Of more, of-.

John: So she was very anxious about it and everything worked out better than expected.

Grace: Okay, well that's great. I'm happy for her and for you. Uhm, because I just imagine like, I-I fortunately uh, missed the Miracle of Life video in my CCD class -

John: Yeah

Grace: -when I was in like 6th Grade-

John: Yeah.

Grace: so I-I've never seen childbirth happen except on, like, TLC sometimes.

John: Sure.

Grace: And, yeah, they conveniently left that information out. I only learned this like 6 months ago.

John: It was very upsetting for you. You and Sarah both.

Grace: I was already like "No!..."

John: I kept telling her it's not a big deal; there's going to be so much other weird stuff happening that, you know...

Grace: But I'm going to feel it, and doctors see it all the time...

John: They do, I'm sure.

Grace: One, a doctor is looking at your vagina to begin with - 

John: Yeah

Grace: -so that's already very exposing. Uhm...

John: I didn't know we were going to start there-

Grace: Well-

John: I thought we were going to talk about my movie...

Grace: Nooo.

John: Okay, good. Perfect.

Grace: This is not about your movie at all, whatsoever.

John: Let's not talk about it. I don't- I'm not- I've talked about it for like 3 weeks straight. I don't- Don't even mention it. June 6th. June 6th.

Grace: Yaaaay! Five days after my mother's birthday.

John: Happy Birthday to Grace's mother. Wait 5 days to celebrate, then go to the movies.

Grace: (laughs) Got it. No, I figure you've been talking about it for so long-

John: Correct! And I have not talked about... pooping on the delivery table a single time.

Grace: Yay!

John: People are always like "What question haven't I asked?" And from now on I'm going to be like "You haven't asked me about pooping on the delivery table once!"

Grace: Yeah, yeah. How dare you? What kind of reporter are you?

John: Seriously!

Grace: Er, I just feel, like, my interview skills are, like, above and beyond-

John: Yeah

Grace: -what a normal interviewer would offer.

John: Correct.

Grace: Yeah, so, along those lines:

(3:51)

Grace: What do you honestly think about Beyonce?

John: Uh, I'm a massive Beyonce fan!

Grace: Are you?!

John: I think that she is one of the five or six most important people in the history of the world.

Grace: Oh-

John: I would say that like, Genghis Khan, Alexander the Great, um, whoever invented fire-

Grace: Yeah.

John: um, Cleopatra-

Grace: Mmhm

John: ...Beyonce.

Grace: And Beyonce. Yeah!

John: You're not a Beyonce fan?

Grace: No, I love Beyonce! She's just, I-

John: I'm also scared- what if she watches this and she finds out- what if we- we say something negative?

Grace: She comments all the time.

John: Does she? She's a big It'sGrace fan!

Grace: Yeah. She's-

John: I'm not surprised. She's got great taste!

Grace: She likes- I know! Except for her documentary. She vlogged in that documentary. D'you ever watch it?

John: uh uh

Grace: Uh.

John: She not a good vlogger?

Grace: No! She edited the whole documentary herself.

John: Mmhm

Grace: Not a good vlogger. One: poor head position in the-

John: mmm, did she go to low on the screen, like this?

Grace: No, she gets too close! So, like-

John: Oh, yeah! I do that sometimes where I get really, really, really close.

(Grace laughs)

John: Is that not good? I thought that was good!

Grace: No, it's good, but it was like the whole time. And then she just didn't use jump-cuts the way like jump-cuts could be helpful.

John: Mmm hmm. Yeah!

Grace: Um, and also there was just- I turned off the documentary half-way through, at the part where her and Jay-Z are on a yacht and there's just a f- a clip of Jay-Z holding a camera and he just pushes it into her eye and then pulls it back out. And like, she had the most artistic music behind it. I was like nope! I'm out! (John laughs) What's on the cooking channel? (laughs) It was tough! Um, but I do think Beyonce is a wonderful, wonderful performer. And sometimes when I wanna be inspired, I rewatch her performance where she told Jay-Z that she's pregnant.

John: Oh, my God!

Grace: Wasn't that beautiful?

John: That was beautiful! But then you know what happened nine months later!

Grace: She shit on a table somewhere.

John: I didn't say it, Beyoncé!

Grace: Like and subscribe, Beyoncé! (John laughs) Okay.

(5:33)

Grace: Here's a question. What job do you never want your child to have?

John: Okay, so you know how some people jump out of airplanes and then they use the parachutes?

Grace: Right.

John: Do you know how people- like, if you haven't jumped out of an airplane before, you are tied to a person?

Grace: Oh yeah, the tandem!

John: A professional parachute jumper?!

Grace: Yes!

John: I do not want my child ever to be a professional parachute jumper.

Grace: That's an excellent answer!

John: Yeah.

Grace: That's an excellent, excellent answer. You've thought about this!

John: The other thing is that I don't ever want to um, skydive, because that would mean that I was tied to someone who's a professional parachute jumper, and I don't trust their career choices.

Grace: No. I don't trust them getting a boner mid-air!

John: Oh, God!

(John and Grace both laugh)

Grace: And then there's nothing you can do about it!

John: I never went there! And you're stood there for like, four minutes!

Grace: Yeah!

John: Yeah!

Grace: And one- experiencing complete fear and then- and euphoria, and then it's just ruined.

John: Oh, I don't know. I mean, in some ways it's more fear and more euphoria.

Grace: I mean, I guess it would take your mind off the fact that you could die. You'd be like: "this is- what? What's happening?"

John: Hey! I hope that's a carabiner!

Grace: (laughing) I hope that's just one of the hooks that came loose!

John: (laughing) I hope that's the parachute not deploying!

(6:38) 

Grace: What's a YouTube video you wish you never saw?

John: Oh, there's a lot of them!

Grace: Really? Like what?

John: A lot of the um- the animals eating animals.

Grace: Ew, what?

John: Where you're just like- unexpected snake eats a crocodile.

Grace: No! That's a sub-genre I have not explored!

John: Yeah. Yeah. And then I'm not very keen on the uh- the gigantic guns blowing up the gigantic watermelons or whatever.

Grace: Oh, ohhhh. I thought-

John: You're kind of into that?

Grace: No. I mean, no. I don't like guns period.

John: I saw one by accident where a guy shot himself in the knee-

Grace: No! How?!

John: That was upsetting. Well, you know, just don't put a gun in your pocket! That dramatically increases your chances of not shooting yourself in the knee.

Grace: His potential NBA career! Nooo!

John: (laughing) I know! I know!

Grace: So sad!

John: Yeah.

Grace: Uh-

John: What's one that you wish that you'd never seen?

Grace: Glass in the ass.

John: What?!

Grace: Yeah. Don't. Don't.

John: Is that what it sounds like?

Grace: You know who showed me? Tyler Oakley!

John: How has that not been taken off?!

Grace: Uh- I think that we actually watched it on another website because it wasn't allowed on YouTube. But, a long story short- uh, seemingly super-long video short, a guy puts a p- a glass- a cup up his butt hole and it breaks inside.

John: Oh, God! (Grace laughs) Panic!

Grace: You know the mov-

John: PANIC!

Grace: You know the movie There Will be Blood?

(Grace and John laugh)

John: God! Ahhh, ahhh!

Grace: Ahhh, that was blood!

John: Ahhh! Panic!

Grace: I know.

John: Panic!

Grace: I wish I never saw it. Ahhh, ahhh. Okay-

John: Grace, this put our friendship in real danger, just by the fact that you mentioned that.

Grace: Yeah, I'm sorry.

John: I liked you a lot until then.

Grace: You know what- you know what um- what video doesn't feature anything like that?

Grace: What?

John: The Fault in our Stars movie coming out on June 6th in theaters everywhere.

Grace: (laughs) No one dares to put a glass in their ass in that movie. Um...

John: No, it's a movie about different kinds of disabilities.

Grace: Okay. This got too serious (John laughs). If you really want a good time, meatloaf farts!

John: (laughing) What are you talking- I don't wanna-

Grace: Meatloaf farts. It's exactly what it sounds like. Women farting naked on Meatloaf.

(John laughs)

Grace: It is-

John: Not on YouTube!

Grace: No

John: It's definitely not on YouTube!

Grace: Uhhh... Well no, there's a whole website called cakefarts.com and this is like the- one branch off from it. So there's cakefarts where women fart on cake, and then they branch off and they also fart on meatloaf. Some people- sometimes you just get curious!

(8:46)

Grace: Okay. How many fingers do you think we need?

John: (laughing) I don't- no, I'm- I'm very- I'm deeply upset-

Grace: Mmm hmm?

John: -about the meatloaf farts situation, and you just wanna move on to fingers!

Grace: Yeah, I mean the most upsetting thing is like, there are children that are starving that would've loved that meatloaf.

John: Six. I think we need six fingers. (Grace laughs) Yep. What do you think?

Grace: Six on one hand?

John: No, three total. Three on each hand.

Grace: Yeah. Yeah! I feel like-

John: 'Cause then I could- I could still write and I could do most of the things I like to do.

Grace: I could still text.

John: Yeah, you could text and hold your phone and I think you'd be fine with six.

Grace: So we don't-

John: These two are the op- these are the optional ones at the end,

Grace: But then what becomes the wedding finger?

John: Oh, yeah. That's a big concern for you.

Grace: (laughing) Yeah! Hugely concern.

John: Yeah. By the way, Grace is engaged!

Grace: I'm engaged in conversation right now!

John: With John Green, whose movie The Fault in our Stars comes out on June 6th.

(9:35)

Grace: (laughing) Would you rather have no arms or no legs?

John: Hmm.

Grace: Yeah, right?

John: No arms.

Grace: No arms?

John: Yeah.

Grace: Really?

John: Yeah. What about you?

Grace: I don't like to let myself think about this.

John: Well then why did you ask me the question?!

Grace: (laughs) Because I could! Um... I would think... Arghhh... But think of all the things you can do with arms!

John: Think of all the things you can do with legs!

Grace: But I would get two robot legs. Because science is very advanced these days.

John: Well, if you can get robot- that changes the hypothetical completely. Then, no legs.

(10:07)

Grace: Okay. Well - but also like, I see those jazzy chair commercials?

John: Not familiar.

Grace: Ooooh. Jazzy chair is a- it's trying to make a wheelchair more fun and it invented, no lie, by a man named Tom Cruise, and he s- (laughs)

John: Is it the same Tom Cruise?

Grace: No!

John: That guy is just so versatile!

Grace: (laughing) I know! No- it might- it might be. In which case, I'd say: brilliant acting. Uh, but- the commercial is introduced by a guy that says "Hello! I'm Tom Cruise, the creator of the jazzy chair!" (laughs)

John: But he's  not the same Tom Cruise?

Grace: Not at all!

(10:38)

John: I also- I always feel so bad for people named like, Lance Armstrong or Beyonce Knowles or whatever-

Grace: Yeah.

John: -like, it would just be so hard.

Grace: Or like Oprah.

John: Oprah Winfrey?

Grace: Yeah.

John: Like, the second Oprah Winfrey?

Grace: Speak-

John: Brutal.

Grace: That would be terrible!

John: Yeah.

Grace: Speaking of-

John: So hard to Google yourself when you're the other Oprah!

Grace: (laughs) That's gonna be the name of my television show! "The Other Oprah!"

John: (laughs) You can have your owl Gale.

Grace: Oh, yeah!

John: Hannah Hart's gonna play your Gale.

Grace: Yeah. Yeah, my Gale, played by Hannah Hart.

Grace: Um, speaking of Oprah and YouTube videos, have you ever seen Oprah making water?

John: Have I?!

Grace: Have you?

John: No.

Grace: (sharp inhale) It's a ten minute looped clip from The Color Purple, where Oprah's peeing in a hole. (John smiles, trying not to laugh) (Grace laughs) It's just looped for ten minutes, of her peeing in a hole in the ground. It's really good! I'm just giving you an educational experience-

John: I guess so, yeah! (Grace laughs) There's a whole world that I didn't know about! Thank you for this!

(11:32)

Grace: Oh, if you really want a good like, sub-genre of YouTube videos-

John: I don't think I do!

Grace: You do want this one. It's men falling off boats.

John: (laughing) That sounds great, actually!

Grace: Yeah! It's really great-

John: I love when people fall off boats!

Grace: It's great!

John: Wait, are they all okay?

Grace: They're all fine! It's-

John: Okay. I'm concerned about their safety. But other than that-

Grace: No, it's always like them with one foot on a dock and one foot on a boat, and the boat starts to pull away and then they have a moment-

John: (laughs) -they do the splits!

Grace: (giggles) Yeah!

John: That's cold. It's cold.

Grace: But you see their moment, like you can see their-

John: There is nothing funnier than watching other people- suffer non-serious injuries.

Grace: Falling down, I've realized, is like my- when someone says what's the funniest thing to you in the world? Falling down.

John: Strangers who fall.

Grace: Str- anyone that falls.

John: Or even someone I love! Like when Sarah (Grace laughs) - when Sarah- there's a secret step in our house that causes us both to fall (Grace laughs) at least once a week!

Grace: Okay!

John: Erm, and when Sarah falls on that step, she just- every time- just- you know, she's midair and she's just stunned! She doesn't know what to do, and she's trying to catch- just trying to get her legs  out from under her- and it's beautiful! I just- I can't help but laugh. And then I'm like, "are you alright?" but I just- it's so enjoyable. That's why we've never gotten the step fixed!

Grace: Oh, yeah! You need it in your life!

John: Yeah, it's good for our marriage.

Grace: I think that that's true. Um. I fall all the time. I'm just a clumsy person by nature.

John: Yeah.

Grace: I have this image in my head of my mum, when I was in like, fifth or sixth grade, I got a pogo stick. And my mum went to use it for the first time and she jumped one step (John laughs) and then she just completely fell!

John: Ohhh.

Grace: (laughing) And it is burned in my brain forever.

John: It's beautiful.

Grace: Oh, it's really great.

(12:58)

Grace: Um. Do you have- do you remember your- what is your first childhood memory?

John: Uh, I remember eating- I remember having- this is terrible.

Grace: Okay.

John: I remember having my face pushed in the- in the ground, in the playground and they made me eat dirt-

Grace: Ooooh.

John: -when I was five.

Grace: Wow!

John: Yeah.

Grace: Do you remember the person that did that to you?

John: I do.

Grace: Do you wish them... to...

John: No, I mean, 'cause they were five.

Grace: Yeah.

John: I once like said something nasty about someone who bullied me, in elementary school. And they wrote me a really great letter. And one of the lines in the letter has always stuck with me, which is "I'm really sorry that I was mean to you in elementary school, but I was nine. What's your excuse?"

Grace: (inhales sharply) Wow!

John: Which is so true! Like-

Grace: Yeah.

John: It is really hard to be nine, no matter what. So-

Grace: Yeah!

John: -you can't judge people for being nine.

Grace: And having an underdeveloped brain.

John: Yeah, it's hard.

(13:47)

Grace: Oh, that is very true. I know- I was really mean to a girl that made fun of one of my videos once, on Tumblr. And then she shut down her Tumblr, and I felt SO awful.

John: Yeah, what you realize is that those- it's really easy to dehumanize people on the internet. It's really hard to remember that everybody is a person.

Grace: Yeah! That's- I know. Now, when I look at negative comments, I just realize like, oh, there's clearly something that's sad in their life-

John: Yeah.

Grace: -that they're going through, that I should not even try to communicate with.

John: It's totally possible that this is not actually about me.

Grace: Yeah! No, absolutely!

John: So hard to understand that there are things in the world that aren't about me!

Grace: Yeah.

John: But there are! There's a bunch of them!

(14:25)

Grace: I know. I was thinking about painting my walls the other day, but then I realized that all my walls are just mirrors! And that would be-

John: Woahhhhhhh!

Grace: (laughs)

John: That was beautiful, Grace.

Grace: Thank you!

John: That make me feel a little something on the inside. Just like The Fault in our Stars movie will make you feel something, on June 6th!

Grace: I heard that-

John: That was the last one!

Grace: What's that?

John: That was the last one. That was the last plug.

Grace: That's great, 'cause I-

(14:44)

Grace: -that was basically the last question.

John: No way!

Grace: Yeah!

John: Oh, now I'm sad. I thought you were gonna ask me how many toes you need!

Grace: How many?

John: None.

Grace: Really? You would fall forward all the time! But then that'd be great, because you'd be like just a human clown, and giving everyone joy.

John: Thanks for watching It'sGrace!

Grace: (laughs) I don't know! (pause) Do you have anything else to say?

John: No! I loved that ending!

Grace: Great! (laughs)

(outro)

Grace: Fault in our Stars! June 6th! At a theater near you! You will weep! says Hannah Hart. (John laughs) Via text message yesterday. (Grace laughs)

Hannah off-screen: I wept!

Grace: I know! Bring tissues! Bye.

John: Bye!

Grace: Cut!