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Uploaded:2009-12-22
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john told this story the last morning of the p4a.

what a bad dog.
... is um, I don't know, I'm excited about my baby too, I really am... I'm really freaking excited... Can't wait, can't wait.

Red Green was the dog that we had when we were little. Hank probably, he was probab-- Hank was probably five when we got him, and so I was like seven or eight. And Red Green -- we got him for Christmas, that's why he was called "Red Green" -- and he was kind of red because he was a miniature dachshund -- but, Red Green, you know, Christmas. And we already had a snake. Um, a garter snake called "Blue Green," and um, we just uh, made the next logical decision.

And Red Green was this little miniature dachshund who weighed like seven and a half pounds, and he was like the worst dog in the world. And I love-- I can love a bad dog, really, if he barks a lot, and he runs away, and he's very skittish, hissy and everything... but Red Green was like an aggressively horrible dog.

Like, I remember one time Hank and my parents went to England, and for some reason I didn't go, I was working at Steak 'n Shake, and I think like, I uh, needed to finish my summer at Steak 'n Shake that I was spending working for college or something, so I was probably eighteen, I think it was my freshman year of college. And um, my mom and dad and Hank went to England and, uh, for like three or four days, and I was stuck in Orlando working at Steak 'n Shake. Working the graveyard shift at Steak 'n Shake, um, daily. (Last night I worked the graveyard shift for Project For Awesome, as did many of you.)

And so, um, me and Red Green were alone together in the house, and Red Green, if I did not get up at 5:30 in the morning, um, on my off days, and walk Red Green, he would jump int-- up onto the bed, he would wake me up by pawing at my face. Then he would jump back down onto the carpet of my bedroom, and he would stare at me, and he would pee.

And then, on the days that weren't my off days, uh, when I had to work from midnight to 8 am, uh, which is the time when dogs are usually asleep and able to like hold their uh bladders, I would come home to like, not like one accident but like seventy-two separate accidents, uh, scattered about the house. Um, and it wasn't that Red Green was incontinent, he knew that it pissed us off when he peed, and so he peed because he liked to make us mad.

So, that's not the story though. The story is this: when I was about twelve years old, I had an eight-bit Nintendo, one of the original Nintendos. You know what I'm talking about? You probably don't. You're like, "Oh, original Nintendo. Yes, you mean the uh, you mean the Wii." No, before there was a Wii, there was a, uh, Super Nintendo, and before there was that, there was the original Nintendo, which was just like a gray box, and it had this little door that flipped open and then you put the game cartridge inside -- you probably do know because of James the Nintendo Nerd -- and then you would, uh-- or Angry Videogame Nerd-- and the you would put the video game cartridge in and then you would press down and then you close that um, that little flap at the top, and then you'd hit "power" and play your game.

Okay. So, um, sometimes, because I'm more of a winger than a player-- because I was just like taking that baby test-- I would play my game and then I would take it out-- Megariffic's 32 just like me, um, that's not an old nerdfighter. I would say that that is a, uh, early, early, still a young, wha-what is-- if you're not middle aged, I guess you're early aged. Yeah, the early aged nerdfighter.

Alright, so I would take my game out at the end of my playing Blades of Glory or whatever, I would take my game out, and sometimes I would leave the little gray flap open, right? And then I put my game away, and I would go to bed, 'cause, you know, I played from like six o'clock in the morning until eight o'clock at night, uh, breaking briefly for lunch. You have to understand that, like, when video games, when the Nintendo first arrived in homes, uh, everyone in the world was like, "I don't want to ever do anything other than this." Um, it was so much cooler and more exciting than anything that had ever happened to any of us.

So, anyway, I left the little flap open. Red Green... my brother was at summer camp. Hank was at summer camp. My parents, um, are not really practical jokers -- they're funny people but they're not practical jokers. And the house was locked. And I loved my Nintendo more than I loved anything, than I loved anything in the whole world at that point. Like maybe I loved more than, my my, my family, I LOVED my Nintendo, and I would never do anything to harm it. 

I go to bed one night with the flap up, I wake up the next morning, uh, you know, the very first thing that I do, before I brush my teeth, is I run into the living room and I grab Blades of Glory or Double Dribble or whatever it was, and I pull it out of its black Nintendo case, and I go to put it -- and Red Green has pooped INSIDE my Nintendo. I don't mean that he pooped next to the Nintendo, or that he pooped on top of the Nintendo. He pooped INSIDE the game slot of the Nintendo. There was poop in there! Red Green poop. 'Cause he knew I loved it. And so he sidled up to it and turned his bottom around and angled it so then he could like projectile poop INSIDE the Nintendo.

Now, the other possibility -- what are the other possibilities, right? The other possibilities are... somebody says, "Red Green FTL!" Do you mean, "Red Green, French the llama?" Sorry, that's a joke from like two days ago-- uh I've been up for a while. Um, uh, the other possibilities are that my parents put the, Red Green poop inside the Nintendo, which they have consistently denied and they have also, convincingly said, "Why would we put poop inside your Nintendo? We knew you love it, AND it shut you up and distracted you from bothering us."

Uh, my brother was at summer camp; there's no way he could have done it... would have done it, God knows, that crazy bastard. But, um, the only person who could've done it was me, and I would NEVER do it! I love my Nintendo.

The doors were locked. Either someone broke into my house, stole nothing, took Red Green poop from somewhere else in the house-- which God knows, there was plenty of-- and put it inside the Nintendo, OR Red Green actually, literally, pooped INSIDE my Nintendo.

This is a true story. This is a true story. THAT is the kind of dog Red Green was. Uh, the other-- Red Green was such a bad dog, I can't get over how bad a dog he was. How bad was he? Red Green was such a bad dog that, um... Oh my gosh!... (typing sounds)... We had that Short Guy Jones' video, guys. How did that, how did, how did we forget that? Stupid! UMM... (typing sounds).