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  Intro (0:01)

I have this philosophy about sex. I believe that most of us have the abilities to develop and express healthy sex lives and to solve our own dilemmas. Where we get all jammed up is with culture 'should'-ing and shaming us, in many cases inhibiting us from expressing the sexuality we are -like politics, religion, language, community, et cetera modifying your would-be sexuality to fit outside expectations. Some of this is harmful, like secrecy, misinformation, generalizations, misinformation, binary systems, repression, denying you sex education... What to do?

 The Problem (0:29)

There of course isn't one solution for everyone, but if there is something I have noticed in my work as a sexologist about addressing those barriers outright. Let's say you want to ravage your partner, talk dirty, position your body all sexy-like, and rejoice about it later. I support it. It's not that you can't can't can't, or even more debilitating of a thought, that you aren't sexy; it's that culture has gotten up in your business and bamboozled your sexuality. The trick isn't to figure out how to position yourself to look the sexiest; it's to remove the barrier that tells you some positions are sexy and some aren't.

 what to do (0:57)

Here's how you can put this into action: Write up what you want you and your sex life to look like. Then write down the barrier culture's way. Beside that, the removal technique - how the barrier is pushed to the side or bulldozed out of your life. It could be that awareness is all you needed. Maybe it's something more confusing a therapist could help you out with. Maybe it's having new conversations about old topics.


The point is not to change you, but rather to return you to the you you are without the shame. Invest in the message you want to believe, even if you don't believe it yet. Whichever one you feed is the one that will grow.


Take for example, someone who wants to be more enthusiastic about having sex: "I want to show my partner you're desirable, I want to initiate sex, I want to have fun. When reflecting on sex, it is reserved, timid, full of but... but I'm not, but the kids, but I don't..." Barriers. Although it doesn't hurt to reflect on how to be more passionate, it can be just as helpful and more long-lasting to address what is getting in the way of the passion.

 Conclusion (1:48)

I'm not saying get rid of the kids or neglect the dishes, I'm saying ask a friend to watch your children for a few hours and leave the dishes for the next day. That's what scouring pads are for - sex! "No more arguing! Have sex now, and do the dishes later!" Really, ask yourself - how do you want your sexuality to be? What is getting in the way? What are all the cultural barriers? A simple removal technique? Stay curious.

 Outro (2:11)

I created a survey about Sexplanations so I can learn about what you'd like this channel to be, and what's getting in the way of our best awesome. There's a link to it in the description in the comments, on Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook. I'm curious about your thoughts, really, so please fill out the survey. It'd be cool if you did. Please do it. Thanks. [Laughs]