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Is outer space full of vampires? Am I engaged? Why haven't our mouths evolved to be better at pumpkin spice lattes? And more!

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*Theme music plays*

H: Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John!

J: Or as I prefer to think of it, Dear John and Hank. 

H: It's a comedy podcast about death where two brothers answer your questions, give you dubious advice and bring you all the week's news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon. How ya doing John?

J: I'm doing well. We're in the same place right now. We're both in Missoula, Montana. Hank right now is opening up one of the 378 pieces of peanut butter taffy we recieved here at the Missoula offices. Thank you, person who sent that. Hank, do you have a name?

H: It says salty road on the package. I don't know who sent it. 

J: Well we're very grateful for it and you could just turn the microphone away and also leave the room because that is the loudest chewing noise I have ever heard in my entire life. 

H: Well, it's really chewy. 

J: Oh my god. I just found out a new fear that I have, or a new thing that causes me anxiety and it is the sound of my brother chewing loudly. So I'm doing well. Hank, for the last three weeks we've been on tour together and I have been engaging in an experiment. I don't know if you've known about this. But I've been engaging in an experiment called how poor does a hotel bathtub have to be for me not to want to take a bath in it.

H: So what are the qualities of a tub you're looking for in a tub?

J: Well there's cleanliness, obviously. That's probably the top of the list for me. And then there's depth and width and length, all of which are important, and of course, in the opinion of America's hotels are important in that, you know, more of them means more water wasted, so they try to absolutely minimize the depth, length, and height of a bathtub, which has meant that I have taken a lot of baths where I was like "I feel like a big person in a tiny, tiny bathtub. I feel like this bathtub was made for three year olds."

H: Just curled up in a ball in the fetal position on your side just being like "how do I get more of my body into the water?" 

J: I can just barely get my knees wet or my shoulders wet. Never both. 

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H: It occurs to me that this may be why I don't take baths, because this is what my bathtubs have always been like in my homes.

J: Oh, no that's one of the first things that I make sure of.

H: I can't get my knees and my shoulders in at the same time.

J: Oh, well then what is the point of going on living?

H: *laughs* Yeah, ok maybe I don't like baths because I've never had a true bath.

J: Oh my god. Imagine being 37 years old and discovering for the first time ever how good baths can be.

H: I've been in hot tubs.

J: Hot tubs are not baths. Hot tubs are filthy. 

H: Hot tubs are taking baths with a bunch of people. Let's all go take a bath together is basically what that means. What you say when you say let's go in the hot tub. What a weird idea. Let's all go take a bath together, but with pants on hopefully.

J: Ah god I don't want to talk about hot tubs. It's funny, for someone who really loves baths, I really hate hot tubs. 

H: I think that's understandable. Cause the bath water, you make it go away. This is my main problem with baths is that I feel like I'm in butt water cause my butt's in the same water. It's like hot butt water. But, in a hot tub, it's like ancient butt water it's like the butt water of potentially thousands of people on different days.

J:Yeah that's what I kind of feel about the hotel bathtub but so far, it hasn't disuaded me and as you know I brought bath salts and bath bombs.

H: I do know this.

J: And so almost every night after the show I'm enjoying some bath salts and bath bombs. Before we get to the questions from our listeners, we just have to mention one thing really quickly which is that very soon after this podcast is uploaded, Hank and I will be... almost all of the tour is sold out except for San Fransisco where Hank and I are going to be on Halloween, it's going to be a Halloween spectacular, there's going to be a costume contest. Hank and I are going to be extensively costumed. 

H: There may be costume changes.

J: My Halloween costume for the San Fransico show is so freaking good.

H: I don't know what it is.

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