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Where does candle wax go? Can you just switch where you're sitting one day? Does saying "I love you" eventually lose its meaning? And more!

Email us: hankandjohn@gmail.com
patreon.com/dearhankandjohn

 (00:00) to (02:00)


Hank: Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John.

John: Or as I prefer to think of it, Dear John and Hank.

Hank: It's a comedy podcast about death where two brothers answer your questions, give you dubious advice, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. How are you doing, John?

John: I'm doing well. We're in the same place. Like this is a real life podcast recording.

Hank: Yeah.

John: We're in a hotel in Chicago?

Hank: Naperville.

John: And we are recording the podcast live in person while in the background I think the movie Hotel Transylvania is playing.

Hank: You just keep us up to date on what's happening because I can't see it.

John: Oh, don't worry. Events are occurring. Since we last podded, Hank, my new book Turtles All the Way Down was published.

Hank: Yes, it happened.

John: And I'm so grateful to you for taking a month away from your life to tour with the book. And-

Hank: And a week away from the pod. I'm sorry that we didn't get an episode out last week.

John: I'm sorry, too, because that meant one week where I wasn't able to share reviews of the book, but don't worry I'm going to share them now.

Hank: Oh, is that what the whole podcast is gonna be?

John: No, not the whole podcast. Just the first forty minutes. Then we will get to questions from our listeners. I hope you guys like the book. Thanks to everybody who pre-ordered it. And everybody who is reading it now. I'm so grateful and overwhelmed and also still somewhat afraid about this whole thing. But the New York Times did call it "wrenching and revelatory." The Wallstreet Journal called it "tender, wise and hopeful." There were really lovely reviews all around. The Guardian said "it might be a modern classic." The Globe and Mail said that I "didn't create a book, so much as a place: A place to have your most indefinable and grotesque thoughts articulated." Not sure if that's a compliment, but I like it.

Hank: Yeah, I feel like I should be reading these because it sounds more authentic coming from me rather than from you, but it's already happened.

John: There's no going back, Hank.

Hank: What did Vox call it? "Not so much a teen romance as a-"

John: "Existential teenage scream."

Hank: Yeah, that one. I liked that one a lot.

 (02:00) to (04:00)


John: Yeah, well, we're not quoting from the bad reviews, but there have only been a couple of those, to be fair. I got, can I read to you some of my one star Amazon reviews, please?

Hank: Oh man, this should be a whole podcast, just talking to authors about their one star Amazon reviews.

John: Alright, are you ready Hank?

Hank: Uh huh.

John: One star. "Just to be clear, my copy was stolen and I haven't read it yet." Thank you. Thank you for leaving that one star review.

Hank: Oh my god. That's it? That's the whole thing? That's not-

John: Then there's this one star review. Are you ready?

Hank: Uh huh.

John: So far, there's only- I'm encouraging more of these, but there's only four one star reviews. The book 90% five and four star reviews, but- OK. Um. My favorite one star review is "that's gonna be a no for me." From Jacqueline, whose entire review I'm going to read from you right now. This is the review in its entirety. "Not F. Scott." I think that Jacqueline means that I'm not F. Scott Fitzgerald, in which case like I strongly agree.

Hank: Uh huh.

John: And also if you thought that you were getting The Great Gatsby, it's a one star book.

Hank: Yeah, well the thing is The Great Gatsby is available. Like, you could get it. You could go get it. But- but- but F. Scott Fitzgerald, little known fact, not currently writing.

John: Not available. Unavailable for future engagements. From now until the end of the human species in eight weeks. Let's get to some questions from our listeners.

Hank: This question comes from Hailey, who asks, no short poem for us?

John: No.

Hank: "Dear Hank and John, I am a young writer, and I really love writing stories and essays and all that stuff, but I hate letting other people read my work. I hate sharing it."

John: [scoffs] Yeah. I can relate, Hailey.

Hank: "I feel like I'm giving tiny pieces of my soul to everyone who looks at my writing, and that didn't turn out well for Voldemort." Well, I mean it turned out OK for him; he didn't die.

John: It turned out better for Voldemort than if he-

Hank: Hadn't done that.

John: -kept his soul in one place.

Hank: That's true, yes.

John: I think you might have misread the book, Hailey.

Hank: Well, I'm- We're not encouraging fracturing your soul and placing it inside of objects through murder, but it-

John: It works!

 (04:00) to (06:00)



Hank: It will- Yeah. Just like drinking unicorn blood, it will keep you alive.

John: It's a strategy.

Hank: So, "Please, how do I get comfortable sharing my stories with other people? Any dubious advice is greatly appreciated. It's not rainy. It's not snowy. It's, Haily."

John: Oh, that's a great name-specific sign-off Hailey. Here's the thing. You don't have to get comfortable with it if you don't want to. You don't have to share your work. But the fact that you're asking the question makes me think that you want, on some level, to share your work, but you also are terrified of responses to it and it does feel like- you feel very- I mean, well, I won't speak for you, Hailey, I feel very exposed, with this book in particular, but with all of my books. Like I feel very exposed when the book first comes out, and very scared and very much like, you know, I am available for criticism that would eviscerate me and it would be hard for me not to let that hit me in the deepest parts of myself. And that should be the case because what you're writing or what you're working on in your life, like it should matter to you, so you should want to make it for people as a gift if you want to write for an audience. And it is sad if people don't accept the gift or if they don't like it. It's a bummer. But also, I guess just two things. First off, you make it as a gift. And like a good gift, you're not looking for somebody to say like "Oh I loved this." Because you didn't make it for them to love it, you made it as a gift, and you did your best. And as long as you can say that, I think you're in the clear. And secondly, your life is not your work. And you're gonna be OK even if people don't like your writing, which by the way, they probably will.

Hank: Yeah, you gotta share or else you will be your only reader and I, like, and you will be the only person giving you any feedback and that is not how to grow as a creator if you want to be growing.

 (06:00) to (08:00)



John: Yeah, I mean part of how you get better is by negative feedback, as uncomfortable as that is. And I think I've actually benefited a lot from negative feedback to my books in the past and to some extent already from this book. So I think you've got to listen, but it is hard. I don't want minimize how hard it is. Because it is hard.

This question comes from Hannah, who writes, "Dear Green Brothers, I've made a horrible mistake. I like a lady, so we were texting. She is very sweet and nice, and I've known her for years. But we just started texting yesterday. I was telling my friend about her and my mushy feelings when I looked down. On an iPhone, you can take voice memos by pressing down and they send when you let go. I have sent this memo to her. It is of my voice saying my mushy feelings for her. She has not responded and I am very scared. Amor vincit omnia, that means love conquers all, Hannah."

Do you know what, uh-

Hank: Oh man.

John: In the quote what comes after "love conquers all"?

Hank: What?

John: Let me read it from the inside of my wedding ring.

Hank: [laughing] Dork.

John: "Et nos cedamus amori"

Hank: But-

John: "And so we shall yield to it."

Hank: Oh. Oh yeah, that's good stuff. Um, Hannah, you seem to have found yourself in the plot of a romantic comedy.

John: The good news, Hannah, is that one day you're going to be able to mine this for a great story. The bad news is that you're gonna have to burn this sucker to the ground, walk away, and never speak to this person ever again.

Hank: You just gotta look around and like is Zach Braff there? Like are you-

John: Yeah.

Hank: Like are you at a bar with all of your buds like-

John: [sigh] I feel anxious just answering this question, honestly. I mean-

Hank: Well, here's what I think. I think the- there's a great chance that this voice memo was unintelligible because every time I get a butt dial, I'm like "what are they saying? I don't know." And I hang up. So there's a good chance it was just rustling noises and that person was like "oh, clearly that's a butt dial."

 (08:00) to (10:00)



John: Hank!

Hank: It's possible.

John: If that were the case, I think you would have gotten a reply text that was like "I think you butt dialed me."

Hank: Maybe.

John: Or "butt texted me." I don't think that you would have gotten no reply at all. I think the no reply at all- I don't want to-

Hank: But isn't it like maybe a cute little origin story for their fledgling relationship.

John: Here's the other thing, Hank. It's been seven weeks since Hannah sent this email. So I think now she knows.

Hank: It's probably worked itself out. But when this happens again-

John: Yes.

Hank: In a future episode of How I Met Your Mother-

John: [laugh] I think when it happens to you- my feeling is you gotta go aggressively- you've got to immediately say "that was an accident. I'm really sorry." So this happened to me once.

Hank: Yeah.

John: With a TV network that will go unnamed. They sent Hank and I an offer to be on their new TV network. To be TV stars on their TV network. And, you know, Hank and I didn't know much about Hollywood then and we thought the offer would be for a lot of money and it would be tempting. We were still going to say no, but we thought it would be difficult. Instead the offer was for what I would describe as- I feel like I can't be specific for legal reasons- but I would describe it as low four figures.

Hank: [laughs]

John: And, um, I replied, I thought to Hank, saying, "This is ridiculous. I wouldn't do it for 100 times that." And I did not reply just to Hank. I replied to everyone.

Hank: And they said, "OK." Kind of. They were like "well let's talk about that." And I was just like "no!"

John: They were like-

Hank: Like if you were the kind of person who can offer that amount while having the flexibility up to that other amount, I feel already very manipulated by you.

John: Right, exactly. We already can't work together just based on your like- the range of your negotiating is unacceptable to us.

Hank: Yes. Clearly if you were willing to pay that much, you shouldn't have offered the other number.

 (10:00) to (12:00)


Hank: This next question comes from Georgia, who asks, "Dear-" Again, I feel very exposed for having talked about that at all. Like I'm a jerk for turning down any money.

"I really enjoy candles." This is from Geogia.

John: Yeah.

Hank: "I usually burn a lavender candle while I'm studying to attempt to release myself from the prison of stress that constantly surrounds me. I'm confused to this. I'm confused as to this. Where does all the wax go? Is the wax somehow evaporating? I didn't think that that could happen. And if it does , what happens when it condenses? Is there a thin layer of wax on the ceiling of my study? Or is it just floating in the air and now my study is 97% candle? How do candles even work? Help me. Candles and coffee, Georgia Georgia Green- Candles and coffee, Georgia."

First of all, you have a study? That's awesome.

John: That's great. Congradulations.

Hank: Yeah, and she included a picture of her candle and it's clearly decreased in candleness.

John: Hank, I don't know the answer to this question because I think the last time I intentionally lit a candle was during my first french kiss.

Hank: Like you were currently- like you had a tongue in someone else's mouth and a lighter on a candle?

John: No, I lit the candle and it was the last day of camp. You've heard this story.

Hank: Oh yeah.

John: And I wrapped my arms around my girlfriend. My hair caught on fire. My hair burned.

Hank: I mean, that candle on it- Like there's this ceremony at the summer camp it's like everybody gets candles and you sing a song and then everybody hugs each other, which is just like lighting each other on fire.

John: Well, each other's hair.

Hank: There's- it's the only thing that happens. The entire summer camp smells like burned hair.

John: Yeah, my first- my first- my first

Hank: Every time. Why do they keep doing this?

John: Well, I mean-

Hank: They probably don't. They've probably stopped by now.

John: It's been twenty years. These days what do they probably use? Like iPhone-

Hank: iPhone flashlights.

John: Yeah. The answer to your question, Georgia, and I'm going to answer this non-scientifically then Hank is going to answer it scientifically. The answer to your question is that the wax goes to heaven. That's where it lives now.

Hank: So candles are made up of like a fuel. So that paraffin is, you know, it's fossil fuel, at this point probably is where it came from. Sometimes it comes from bees but usually it comes from- it's like extracted from oil.

 (12:00) to (14:00)


Hank: And it burns just like any other fuel. It turns into carbon dioxide and water for the most part. And so it is the wax of the candle that is burning. So in the same way as when you burn a log, like the log goes away because it turns into gas, when you burn a candle it goes away because it turns into gas.

John: It's pretty cool.

Hank: So that's what's up.

John: It's pretty cool.

Hank: I was very confused about that myself at one point and then I was like- I thought that like the candle existed to like keep the wick from burning.

John: That's what I thought too.

Hank: But, no, the wick is there to bring the liquid paraffin up to the flame.

John: Ooooh. This question comes from Jameson, who writes: "Dear John and Hank, Every day I ride the bus to school and every day I sit in the exact same seat. It's the perfect seat right at the front so I don't need to walk a long way. I'm first off the bus. I'm on the right hand side so I don't make awkward eye contact with the bus driver in the large rear view mirror. And I'm away from all the noisy kids in the back. I couldn't ask for a better seat at seven o'clock in the morning."

Jesus Christ, Jameson, they make you go to school at seven o'clock in the morning?

Hank: [laughs]

John: Is this a prison camp? Good god.

Hank: That's when I went to school.

John: That's a form of torture.

Hank: It's terrible.

John: Who wants to learn anything at seven o'clock in the morning, let alone calculus?

Hank: It is not a good system.

John: I feel sick to my stomach.

Hank: It's not a good system. There's lots of research that's like "This is a bad thing." Especially to teenagers!

John: I don't need research to know it. I've been a teenager who woke up at seven o'clock in the morning once.

Hank: Yeah, teenagers have delayed like- this is a thing that happens when you reach, you know, your teenage years is you start like naturally staying up later and getting up later. And we do the opposite to them in school. It's a thing that I've looked at that's like legitimately upsetting. There's a lot of like structural logistical reasons why we do it. But it's very bad for actual education.

John: I mean then I would argue the structural reasons aren't that good.

Hank: Right, well.

John: Alright, anyway, that's not Jameson's question.

"For the last couple days, my seat has been taken over by other kids on the bus. I know they probably have no ill intent, but you can't just switch where you sit one day. They see me rollin', I'm hatin', Jameson."

 (14:00) to (16:00)


Hank: [laughs] Thank you. Thank you for doing that. You can just switch where you sit, Jameson.

John: Unfortunately, yeah, there is no rule about who gets to sit where on the bus. Now, I wish there were.

Hank: I mean you had a good seat for a long time, and now you don't anymore. Like you could go- like you're just- you're where you are on the bus route. You have to pick a seat from the available seats.

John: I would say maybe you can go to the people who are sitting there now and you can say, "Listen. Is this something that is a big deal for you? Because it is kind of a big deal for me."

Hank: [laughs]

John: Now, it has been a while since I've been a high school student.

Hank: Yeah, that's- I will not make that suggestion.

John: And I have to admit that I didn't crush it as a high school student and that might be part of why.

Hank: And you have to deal- and so you have to deal with this. And you have to deal with it at seven o'clock in the morning when no one- no one- on the bus wants to be awake. Everybody is just awake and hating it.

John: Alright, Hank, this question comes from Chin, who writes: "Dear John and Hank, do you think if you tell someone you love them again and again enough times it loses its meaning? Does it matter if you say it when you aren't actually feeling love for them in that moment specifically but you know you love them present tense, not just then but all the time? I'm not very good at words, but I hope you get what I mean. Pumpkins and penguins, Chin."

Hank: I think you explained that really well.

John: I think you are really good at words, Chin. I think you're underselling yourself. Here's the thing. I do not believe that love is a feeling.

Hank: Tell me more, wise sir.

John: So when I was doing my Catholic engaged encounter, the two days that were the most important life.

Hank: I mean seriously, he brings up the Catholic engaged encounter with more more than anything. And I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with it. I think that's great. And like maybe we should all be doing this Catholic engaged- At least I think everybody should have two days where they are like forced to talk to the people they love about stuff.

John: Yeah, right, I agree. So Sarah and I, when we were engaged, we did this two day Catholic engaged encounter. I did not want to do it at all. I begged Sarah when we were in the parking lot of the monastery to just skip it. This was stupid.

 (16:00) to (18:00)



Hank: Monastery?

John: Oh yeah.

Hank: Whoa.

John: I had to bunk with strangers.

Hank: Were there monks?

John: Yes.

Hank: [laughs]

John: I was a stressful situation. I'm not Catholic. I don't know a lot about Catholocism, and it was a stressful situation. However, it was incredibly helpful because they asked us big questions that we had to write essays back about, back and forth to each other that we still read however many years later.

Hank: Wow.

John: Anyway, at the Catholic engaged encounter, they told us that love is a feeling, but it is also a decision.

Hank: Mmm.

John: And to me, when you say "I love you" again and again and again what you are definitely doing, regardless of the feeling, is reaffirming that decision that you are- you have decided to be- and I know that sounds kind of unromantic and I apologize, but I think that like parts of love are- parts of romantic love are super romantic and parts of romantic love are not. And I think that's ok. So yeah.

[background ping] I don't know what that noise was, but please mute your phone. That is all I had to say, and I'm gonna let Hank's phone take it from here. [ping noise] I like that I asked you to mute your phone and the first thing you did was make your phone make another noise.

Hank: I didn't make it make a noise.

John: You were like "Oh I know how to make it make a different noise." Please stop texting.

Hank: I didn't! Katherine is texting me.

John: I have like 15 minutes to finish this.

Hank: Well, it's going to take longer than that.

John: OK, well, it isn't. I'm going to make you leave, so-

Hank: This next question comes from Kenya, who asks: "Dear Hank and John, what do you think would be the best food to build a house out of? Considering structural integrity- via- considering structural integrity, livability and environment. This question came up on a road trip, and since we could agree on the best answer, we are asking you. No I can't, Kenya."

John: Oh, I got it. Took me a second.

Hank: Took me a second, too. Uh-

John: Here's the thing, Kenya.

Hank: Yeah, OK, hit me.

John: I've thought about this a lot.

Hank: I have as well.

John: Peanut M&M's.

Hank: Nooooo.

 (18:00) to (20:00)


Hank: Well, I mean the thing- Like gingerbread houses seem to last a long time.

John: Yeah, but that is not an edible food.

Hank: Gingerbread houses are edible food.

John: I mean if you are extremely highly motivated, maybe. If you are experiencing some kind of like- If you're over-hydrated and you need something to dry out your mouth. That's when you eat gingerbread.

Hank: I drank too much water, quick!

John: I like a gingerbread cookie, but nobody likes a gingerbread house.

Hank: No. Well, I mean, little bits of it. You're right. You're right. But this isn't like- this is "what food?" And that's food. But- but- but- wait for this one. What animal is it food for? Is it food for a beaver? Wood. Build your house out of wood.

John: Build your house out of wood because it's beaver food. That's good. Or build your house out of bricks because everybody knows that-

Hank: Hmmmmm.

John: Unicorns eat bricks.

Hank: Yeah. Maybe.

John: Or you build your house out of- what if you build your house out of glass and steel? Because that's a wonderful meal if you're a .... 

Hank: Genetically engineered microorganism that is genetically engineered to eat glass and steel.

John: That's good, Hank. That was nice and tight.

Hank: [noises]

John: We're very tired. Hank and I have been on the road together for like 13 days.

Hank: It's a lot.

John: I've never been this tired.

Hank: I've been this tired. But I am a lil- the bus sleeping has made me quite sore. I- My back hurts a lot.

John: Sleeping on the bus is one of the least fun sleeps I've ever had.

Hank: Yeah. There's a number of pains I didn't really expect I would have.

John: Also there is a noise in the back- In the back four bunks, there is a noise, you know that noise, have you heard that noise?

Hank: [puh-tsss noise]

John: No.

Hank: No?

John: No. There's a constant like banging noise that is- At first it's like, that's a pretty- that's a soft noise, it sounds almost like a little drum, just like a little drum beat. Then like one hour into trying to go to sleep you're like, that is actually the loudest noise that has ever happened, and it isn't like a little drum beat because it's just random enough to make my brain not be able to calm down.

 (20:00) to (22:00)


John: So here Hank and I are complaining about our very fancy tour bus and the poor quality of sleep that we get on it. Oh my god.

Hank: Well..

John: We're an embarrassment.

Hank: We are.

John: This question comes from Liam, who writes: "Dear Green brothers, My boyfriend, who I love dearly, has recently taken a political stance I find troubling."

Well what is the political stance? Oh, he says.

"Some people from our school are trying to start and conservative club, and he's currently trying to get the club banned because he doesn't want to give them the platform. I don't think that just because somebody disagrees with my values, they shouldn't be allowed a space to discuss their opinions. I just don't really know what to say to him because it's weird and I don't want to be rude. -Liam"

Hank: Well, disagreeing isn't necessarily being rude.

John: Yeah.

Hank: Cause you're gonna have relationships with people and you're gonna have differences of opinion.

John: Right. When you love each other, you're going to disagree and you're going to have to learn how to respectfully listen. And also sometimes like disagree in an ongoing way.

Hank: Sometimes I worry if I agree too much with a person because I think they're just trying to avoid conflict.

John: Right.

Hank: And I'm like, well but do you really think all of the things that I think? And it's- and I like, yeah, because I don't- you have to be your own people, and that means that you're going to have moments where it's OK to disagree and to have those conversations and come out of it not having come to a conclusion where you're both on the same page.

John: Although I have to say, Hank, that I feel like you and I when we disagree, I don't want to generalize, but every time we have disagreed in the last like year or so, six weeks after our disagreement, you call me and say, "You were right all along."

Hank: Right, that's happened. It has happened. I'm not gonna say every single disagreement we've had because I don't keep a list.

John: I mean, I'll be like "I'm pretty sure that the social internet is bad for the social order." And Hank will be like, "That's ridiculous, how could you make such a-"

Hank: That's not what I said! But I have come around to your perspective.

 (22:00) to (24:00)


John: [laughs] Um, yeah, OK. That's how I feel about this situation. This question comes from Jaden, who says- You have to learn to love each other and disagree and do it productively. Jaden says, "Dear John and Hank, If you find one sock in the dryer, do you have an extra sock or a missing sock?"

Hank: I mean that's a great way to think about it because like obviously you have a missing sock cause it's not like you didn't have the socks before.

John: Right.

Hank: You had the socks and then one disappeared. 

John: Probably.

Hank: Unless you have a new sock. In- Which is in many ways more upsetting.

John: It's more disturbing if your washing machine or dryer is creating socks from the materials of the universe. Like that's concerning me just because artificial intelligence has gotten too good.

Hank: Yeah, like the lint drawer like popped and was like "I've got enough for a argyle cotton one!" It's gonna have some elastic bits too. Boy I tell you what. This is the not how entropy works.

John: This is not. I 3D printed this sock for you and then put it back in myself. Thank you for drying with me.

Hank: I put your favorite slogan on it. It says "Memento mori." Available at DFT- no it's not.

John: It's not yet.

Hank: It's not yet.

John: I like this idea, though, because I never thought of losing a sock as a glass half full situation.

Hank: Right. At least I didn't lose both socks.

John: But it kinda is.

Hank: Yeah, I've got this extra sock now.

John: It kinda is. And then you can like- I think you can do some cool things with unmatching socks.

Hank: Yeah, what do you think about just not wearing matching socks?

John: So I did that for many years. I wore mismatching argyle socks.

Hank: Intentionally?

John: Almost everyday intentionally. And I wish I could say like in my teens, but like in my early thirties, I wore mismatching argyle socks intentionally most days. 

 (24:00) to (26:00)


John: And it solved some problems and it created others. What I found in more recently in my life is that I will wear mismatching socks when I have singles.

Hank: Mhm.

John: But I like pairing my socks for a variety of reasons. I just think it makes everyone's life a little bit easier. Both for laundry and for getting dressed in the morning.

Hank: Right, yeah.

John: That way I don't have to like double the amount of time I spend thinking about socks. Like, "What would go with this purple argyle sock? Instead of being like, "Green or red?" I could just be like "the other purple argyle sock."

Hank: So here's a thing that I did not, until my thirties, do.

John: Yup.

Hank: Which is- I have a separate spot for the singles. Cause what happens is like if I do a load of laundry, it might not be that I lost the sock, it might just be with the next one, and then like, but like, I've got this sock, I just throw it in with the other socks. Like an unpaired sock with the paired socks. And who- When that other sock shows back up, it might be the next day, it might be three weeks from now. But if I put the singles in a separate spot, I like can go through that and be like "OK, this single has been sitting here unmatched. I can get rid of that or turn it into a dish rag or something." Don't wash your dishes with a foot holder. Don't do that.

John: That's gross.

Hank: That's a place where your stink butt foot goes. [laughs] I said "stink butt foot."

John: This is a high quality podcast.

Hank: It's real good. Uh, [long pause] yeah. You get what I'm saying.

John: I totally do. Let's move on to the next question.

Hank: I don't have to- can I explain it more fully?

John: Please don't. Hank, I think we all got there. This question comes from Eleanor, who writes: "Dear Brothers Green, My beloved collie is the light of my life. I love him like the seas love the moon."

Hank: I'm worried about where this is going to go.

John: "However," I know because every time we get a question and the first sentence is about the dog, by the end of the email, the dog is dead.

Hank: Or like "What should we do about my dying dog?"

John: Right, and I'm just like I can't- I'm stressed out enough about my own dying dog. I can't deal with yours. "However, he is really frightened by the toaster." Oh, things have taken a positive turn! Here's great news, Eleanor, your collie is fine.

 (26:00) to (28:00)


John: "Every time we try to make toast, he holds onto one of his toys like a security blanket, starts whining and barking, and is clearly distressed."

Hank: Aw.

John: That's is sad. "We've tried shutting him out of the kitchen, distracting him, shushing and fussing over him, but so far, no luck. I would give up toast if I had to. But if you provide a possible solution, I would be very grateful as I do like toast." She signs off, "Lupis cannis toaster," which Google translates to, "Toaster is a wolf to dog, Eleanor." Eleanor, that was fantastic. It's a fantastic email all around. You also sent in a very cute picture of your boarder collie looking very distressed.

Hank: I mean, OK. I'm gonna say it. Toasters are stressful. Toasters are stressful.

John: Absolutely.

Hank: How come I have been toasting my whole life and yet still when the toast pops out of the toaster I'm like [shocked noise] as if a man has broken into my house with an ax. That's how I feel.

John: I've- Can I just make an observation before we move onto this question. I feel like right now, we just did the show in front of 1,100 people, and I feel like this is a great example of the difference between Hank and me because Hank has so much energy right now. Like he is like bursting with energy and there is a man with an ax in his house and the toaster, and it's great. And I feel like I have been drained of all of my life blood. I feel like a-

Hank: And I was like, "John, do you wanna go pod?"

John: I feel like Voldemort just drank all of my unicorn blood, and now I'm trying to like stagger out of the Forbidden Forest. And Hank's like [sings circus songs] bah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah!

Hank: Gimme a grape!

John: Eleanor, I have great news. I have a solution to this problem. Don't toast your toast in the toaster, man.

Hank: Where should I toast it?

John: [whispers] The microwave.

Hank: [gasp] I disappointed in you! That's not toasting! That's hotting!

 (28:00) to (30:00)


John: Yeah.

Hank: You just get glutenous squishiness.

John: It's very warm and it's very soggy and it's delicious.

Hank: You just- Ok. It's not toast.

John: It's uhhh warm bread.

Hank: Correct.

John: Warmed up bread.

Hank: I'm on page for-

John: What about the oven? What about the oven? What about the-

Hank: You could do it.

John: Broil it in the oven.

Hank: You could also get a toaster oven, which is I think much less terrifying than a toaster.

John: It is, but it still makes that, like it still has that count down, which is a little stressful, and then it's like DING!

Hank: Yeah.

John: But you can just stop- In my experience- We have a toaster oven because- I mean now I'm gonna sound weird, but like I don't like toaster ovens with the binging. I'm fine with it as a reminder, but I don't want it to be a requirement to acquire toast.

Hank: Right, well it isn't-

John: So we found a toaster oven that you can just turn off without the binging.

Hank: Yeah. There- I mean most toaster ovens have the ability to be a little oven. You just set it to 450 and you toast.

John: It was twenty bucks, though, Eleanor, and I don't know what your budget is for toaster ovens.

Hank: True true.

John: But that seems like the easiest solution. And then the second solution would just be to microwave your bread and turn it into like a hot, nasty, soggy ball of bread.

Hank: A buttery goo ball.

John: Yeah. Yeah.

Hank: Actually, now that I've said the phrase "buttery goo ball," I actually kind of want one.

This podcast, by the way, brought to you by buttery goo balls. Buttery Goo Ball brand buttery goo balls: available wherever buttery goo balls are sold.

John: This podcast is also brought to you by accidentally sending a voice memo to somebody you have a crush on. Accidentally sending a voice memo to somebody you have a crush on: just run away and just- everything will be fine, but not for like 7 years.

Hank: This podcast is also brought to you by the air in your study which is now 97% candle wax.

John: And lastly, this podcast is brought to you by Jameson's school. Jameson's school: starting at seven?

Hank: [laughs] It's no good. Alright.

 (30:00) to (32:00)


John: Hank, let's answer a couple more questions from our listeners before we get to the all important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon. I'd like to delay the news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon as long as possible.

Hank: This question comes from Mickey, who asks: "Dear Brothers Green, I have a fear that some may consider irrational. I am scared of Elon Musk. He just seems like the guy in every movie that you suspect to be the main villain as soon as they walk on screen. There's something very Lex Luthorian about him and it freaks me out. Perhaps this whole rich guy who wants to explore space thing. I don't trust it. PS. I'm not convinced you two are completely trustworthy either. I'm so fine, I may blow your mind, Mickey."

John: That's a good one, Mickey. I also don't have a ton of trust in us.

Hank: I thought it was going to be Elon.

John: Mickey, here's the thing: I think it makes  sense to be distrustful of people who benefit from existing power structures because they will always be biased by how much they benefited from those power structures.

Hank: That is a good- that is a good point.

John: I also think that it is good to be a little bit suspicious of billionaires because that's a lot of money. And you don't get all of it by being nice.

Hank: I will say that probably there are a lot of billionaires that we don't hear about that we should be more suspicious of.

John: Yes, I am actually less suspicious of Elon Musk than I am about most billionaires.

Hank: Because at least he's like a public like I know that billionaire billionaire.

John: Yeah, I agree.

Hank: Most billionaires are quiet about it. Doing things behind the scenes.

John: They have time share companies and stuff. I think-

Hank: What's a time share company?

John: Do you really want me to get into the business of time shares when I'm so tired I feel like I might die at any moment or?

Hank: Can you give me a bit on the plot of Hotel Transylvania behind me?

John: The Hotel Transylvania there's a bat and there's sewing. I believe we've entered the beginning of act three. I think things got as bad as they could get and now this invisible thing with glasses is putting on its makeup and it's very charming.

 (32:00) to (34:00)


John: OK. So to move back to the question, I don't think there's anything- Hank, please stop watching Hotel Transylvania.

Hank: [laughs]

John: We have to end this podcast. But I- So I- I think when you have a lot a lot a lot of resources, people should be a little suspicious of you. They should hold you to a high standard.

Hank: Mhm.

John: And like same thing when you have a lot a lot a lot of power.

Hank: Yeah. I also like I kinda worry about Elon Musk's health. Like he seems to be going hard all the time.

John: He's a hard charger, but I mean some people want it- Look, you only get one ride on this carousel and some people really want to suck the marrow out of life. I'm not one of them. But some people do.

Hank: [laugh] I just wanna nibble around the edges of life.

John: I'm not a marrow guy.

Hank: Yeah.

John: You know. Like-

Hank: You're not like hitting life with a rock to get at that last calorie.

John: No.

Hank: Yeah.

John: No. I only like the very precious cuts of meat.

Hank: Yeah.

John: Where do- what-

Hank: I'll just take the good- just the fine- the fine-

John: This metaphor has-

Hank: It's not great.

John: It has led to a troubling situation.

Hank: I don't like it.

John: We're both suspicious of Elon Musk, but I also have to say I really like a lot of what Elon Musk is doing. And I think that he's a fascinating person and I have to say over all, I am glad that he is in the world and I do wish him well and I wish him much success because we need people, especially when it comes to responsible energy usage and figuring out like sustainable energy solutions, we need the smartest people on those problems. And Elon Musk is on that problem, unlike most of the smartest people who are selling time shares or whatever, making billions doing Walmarting.

Hank: Doing Walmarting.

John: Being the third generation Walmart.

Hank: Yeah, you know.

John: Heirs.

Hank: Turing money into more money through money- questionable money instruments.

John: It's my favorite line in Jonathan Lethem's novel, Chronic City, one of the characters describes his job as moving the pile of money around trying to make it bigger.

 (34:00) to (36:00)



Hank: [laugh] It's worked some. But I do worry about the long term sustainability of just rolling the money ball as it sticks to more and more money.

John: Alright.

Hank: It's got a Katamari but with money. So, John, what is the news from AFC Wimbledon?

John: The news from AFC Wimbledon. Since we last podded, Hank, there was this huge spurt of hope. AFC Wimbledon won two games in a row, scoring a total of four goals in those two games, which nearly doubled their number of goals for the entire season.

Hank: This is good. This is good.

John: Things were looking good, but then, THEN, then AFC Wimbledon played Plymouth Argyle, who are in the very basement of League One. The worst team in Leage One.

Hank: They were doing even worse than AFC Wimbledon.

John: Yes. And lost. It was a home game.

Hank: Oh god.

John: And we lost to Plymouth Argyle one-nil. and this means that now after fifteen games, AFC Wimbledon have accrued 15 points. That is probably not a pace that is good enough to not get relegated. We will probably have to improve the number of points per game above one to not get relegated.

Hank: Yeah.

John: So...

Hank: So you have to start winning some games.

John: Winning or tying.

Hank: OK.

John: But winning would be even better, yes, it would.

Hank: Mhm. Just stop losing.

John: It would be great to stop losing. You know what would be great? Goals. Goals, Hank. 

Hank: Scoring goals, yeah.

John: AFC Wimbledon has scored [long pause] eight goals.

Hank: Eight goals in what games? 16?

John: Eight goals in fifteen games.

Hank: That's like a- that's not great.

John: It's not a lot of goals.

Hank: I'm sorry to hear this situation about AFC Wimbledon and goals.

John: Thank you.

Hank: Mars.

John: Yes.

Hank: So NASA has just discovered a weird thing about Mars. So as you know, Mars does not have a magnetic field. It doesn't have a strong magnetic field.

 (36:00) to (38:00)


Hank: But it turns out it does have something of a magnetic field. So its magnetic field shut down a long time ago, but there is some residual magnetic field, and I'm not entirely clear on where that's coming from. If it's like permanent dipoles leftover from like the inducement of the old magnetic field or if there's just still some stuff moving around inside it, which it seems like there still might be a little bit of volcanic activity, maybe down in the depths there. Though certainly nothing that would do- make the kind of magnetic field the Earth has. But weird thing. Mars it turns out that the way that this weak magnetic field interferes with the solar wind, is like high energy particles being pushed out by the sun, is creating this weird magnetic tail. Like rather than a magnetic sphere around a planet, it's like this tail thing.

John: Like Mars is a comet and the magnetic field is its tail.

Hank: It's weird because like as it travels around the sun, it's leaving this tail behind. It is apparently, according to Gina DiBraccio of NASA's Goddard Flight- Goddard's Space Flight Center, it's unique in the solar system. She's calling it a magnetotail, just cause that sounds good.

John: That sounds great.

Hank: Yeah. And it may be that this tail actually had something to do with the mechanism of how the atmosphere of Mars was stripped away. So all this gasses that maybe just like evaporated- water, carbon dioxide- that was once around the planet has been pushed off. They think this has something to do with that. Which is part of why it's a hard place to be, a place to live.

John: Yeah. Wow. I mean that just makes me think that some day our magnetic field may turn into a magnetic tail and everyone will be like "Was there ever life on this planet? Probably not."

Hank: No, they'd be able to see the stuff.

John: Will they?

Hank: I mean, for a while.

John: Thanks for listening to Dear Hank and John. Truly a comedy podcast about death.

 (38:00) to (38:44)



John: This was great fun podding with you, Hank. I'm so tired.

Hank: I know. I'm sorry I made you do this.

John: It was fun!

Hank: OK.

John: I'm so tired, though. Thank you for listening. We're not going to record This Week In Ryans.

Hank: No, we aren't. We barely had enough to record this podcast, which is why it's so short. We apologize.

John: But we will be back next week with both This Week in Ryans and a full, just brilliant of-

Hank: Oh, we are going to hit it out of the park.

John: Everything that this wasn't, that will be.

Hank: This podcast is produced by Rosianna Halse Rojas and Sheridan Gibson. It's edited by Nicholas Jenkins. Our theme music is by the great Gunnarolla. Our Community and Communications Manager is Victoria Bongiorno. And as they say in our hometown:

Both: Don't forget to be awesome.