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What are the top ten kinds of spoons? Why do boys kiss like dying fish? What would happen if we lost gravity for fifteen seconds? And more!

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 (00:00) to (02:00)

H: Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John!

J: Is that the Count from Sesame Street? I prefer to think of our podcast as Dear John and Hank, by the way.

H: It's a podcast full of comedy uh... talking about death in which we answer your questions, give you dubious advice, and give you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. Hey John, you're my brother, how ya doin?

J: I'm doing well. Uh, Missy Elliott has released a new single, Beyonce is pregnant with twins, the world is full of hope. I don't know what you're talking about that things are dark. Everything is great- Beyonce's having two kids at once; [Hank laughs] that's wonderful.

H: I didn't know that; that's really exciting. Um, I-

J: I love being able to break news to you! Just wait til we get to the news from AFC Wimbledon, Hank, unless you're a hardcore follower of AFC Wimbledon you probably haven't heard it!

H: I very likely have not heard it. In fact, I haven't even heard the news from Mars today, I'm gonna have to try and pull some out really last-minute here; I apologize for not being great at podcasting.

J: That's all right, we've come to expect it. No I'm just kidding, you're way better than I am.

H: Uh, I am, I am good. You know the other day John, I uh, a car broke down on the side of the road and I was helping them push it out of the road, and the person was like "Uh, I'll be honest with you, I just ran out of gas." and they were driving a Volvo 240, and I was like "you know, I've run out of gas in that very car."

J: I remember when you ran out of gas in that very car, uh, because I remember mom coming home after, like, picking you up, and she was in tears because of how goth-y you looked.

H: Ahh... was- I mean, was that it? Was that why- I would love to talk to her about that now, cause she was so mad, and I think maybe... maybe it's because I ran out of gas and was being irresponsible?

J: That's possible. 

H: But maybe it was cause I had a bunch of makeup on? I don't know.

J: I don't know. Would you like a poem for today, Hank?

 (02:00) to (04:00)

J: This is actually a recommendation from Julian, longtime nerdfighter, a nerdfighter for ten years now actually, who recommended this poem by Aisha Syed. Uh, it's called Broken English, and it's by the daughter of a refugee.

"When my mother struggles to spell a word in English
I want to break the entire language
into little pieces
so the edges of these letters
will stop cutting her"

H: Pretty good. That's a nice short poem.

J: Pretty good.

H: That is a short poem for the moments we are living in. Um... life is hard, and also has good things. Let's try and have a little bit peppier Dear Hank and John today than last time.

J: I mean, right now we're pretty low energy. [Hank laughs] To quote the current president of the United States: Low energy exclamation point.

H: Oh. Uh [laughs] Okay I found my Mars news; it's excellent, excellent news. Hooray. Um... let's, uh, let's-

J: Thanks for preparing.

H: [laughs] Let's do some questions, John. Uh, I've got a really pressing one that I really wanna hit, uh, it's from Jay, and I want to make sure we get to it so I'm gonna start with it. Jay asks: "Dear Hank and John, I'm very overwhelmed by the variety of spoons for sale. Would you please rank the top ten types of spoons every aspiring gentleman should own? -Jay."

J: Sure, yeah, of course, uh... actually I don't have ten types of spoons, I only have six types of spoons. How many types of spoons do you have, Hank?

H: Oh did you, did you count? Did you go count?

J: I, well, I mean Hank, unlike some people, I prepare for this podcast.

H: I mean, it depends on your definition of a type of spoon. I definitely have more than ten spoons, and like, they all are different from one another in varying ways. Some of them just have, like, different manufacturing defects and scratches from years of use, but are otherwise very similar, and some are made of entirely different things, and very much different sizes. So it's, it's hard- 

 (04:00) to (06:00)

J: Hank, do you just- you don't have, like, a, you know, a system of cultery where it's all the same shape and everything and you got all the cutlery from your wedding like normal people? I think you did, because I actually bought you some of it.

H: Yeah, yeah, I do for, like, the main ones, like my knives and forks and spoons. 

J: Right.

H: But, what is a type? Like, two spoons, even if they are from the same set, they're gonna be slightly different from each other. And so are they-

J: No they're not. There's not- you don't need to, no, no, he's asking about types of spoons, okay? Like, how many types of spoons do you need? And the answer is six. You need a regular spoon for everyday spoon use, you need the larger version of the regular spoon for when you are especially hungry, espeically with ice cream. You need a soup spoon, which is more of a circular spoon, 

H: Oh!

J: Like a Harry Potter's glasses kind of spoon. Now, strictly speaking, you only need the first two types of spoons, but you can get that circular spoon, a nice soup spoon. I actually find that eating soup with a soup spoon is harder than eating soup with a regular spoon, 

H: Yes! Uh-huh!

J: But if you're going to be particular about it there is a soup spoon. Then you've got your fourth type of spoon, which is your teaspoon for when you, just, you know, for when you're teaspooning. 

H: Oh man...

J: And then you have your tablespoon for when you don't want to count up like four teaspoons or whatever is in a tablespoon, and then the sixth type of spoon you need is you need a spoon for your children. Because children for whatever reason cannot use any of the previous five spoons, they are super hardcore about needing their own spoons for their own little hands with their little mini versions of spoons, so you need six spoons– there's no need for ten spoons, that's, that's incredible to even think about that.

H: John, you've completely left out an entire category of spoons, which is spoons use for cooking! You need a ladle, which is kind of like a type of spoon, you need a regular large serving spoon- possibly more than one regular large serving spoon- 

 (06:00) to (08:00)

H: so that when you're, like, having people at the table they can put the serving spoon in so you don't have to, like, very slowly one little spoonful at a time put the food on their plate, and then you need a slotted spoon for, I don't know, something, there's a reason to have a slotted spoon. And then if you have non-stick place, you also, because, or non-stick pans, you can't use those metal spoons in that 'cause you'll scrape off the non-stick, which is bad, so you need wooden or plastic spoons in addition to that. So we're above ten now- we're above ten.

J: You're right, you do need ten spoons if you count all the cooking spoons. So, there you go, Jay, people have often said that this podcast is completely useless and a waste of their time, but now you know the ten spoons you need to acquire to have a successful adult life. Really, I would say you could get by with two spoons. One large spoon for your pots and serving and one regular spoon for literally everything else. Although it is nice to have a teaspoon and a tablespoon because there's a lot of baking-

H: Yes.

J: It's hard to make cookies if you don't have a tablespoon. Hank, I have a question it comes from Christine who asks "Dear John and Hank, why does every boy I kiss kiss like a fish? Opening and closing his mouth while kissing me so that I can't get my tongue in his mouth. Have I learned it wrong?

Hank laughs.

J: "I know in movies they kiss like this, but when I was a teenager I read this book about how to do stuff as a teen girl and it said you should just let your tongue play with their tongue. How do boys learn to kiss anyway if they don't have teenage girl books or magazines? Note: this didn't happen with the only girl I kissed, making that the best kiss I've ever had. Love from the land of Bitterballen, Christine."

H: IIIIIIIiiiiiiiiii feel unqualified to answer this questionnnn....

J: But I do remember when I was young that there was a lot of, like, quick opening and closing of the mouth like a struggling, afraid fish. And I do remember thinking, like, this doesn't seem right, even though it is what I've seen on TV. But it seems wrong.

 (08:00) to (10:00)

And I think in retrospect it probably was wrong.

H: Is it not just exitment? its just like aaaaah aah aaah ah like I know how to eat, is it like eating?

J: I...

H: Try eating on this person's face!

J: In my own experience with kissing is that it is not very much like eating.

H: No it's... Well I mean if... Like a smoothie maybe, is like eating a smoothie.

J: ah... God...

H: Just... Yeah you gotta... That's what... That's what they should say in the boy books "just pretend like you're really enjoying some blended up beef stew."

J: Hahaha

H: That's what a kiss is. Do that!

J: I mean all I can say Christine is that it's important to comunicate with your partner. And maybe, like, "Hey I know that you think that the best way to do this is to be a fish out of water, but my prefered way is to just be like two little eels interacting with each other." I don't know Christine. I mean I guess... I... I don't wanna... We gotta move on.

H: We gotta move on. And I'll say: different people kiss different ways and it's not... it's not totally down to gender so you might end up finding different boys kiss different ways, even if the ones you've kissed so far are a certain way.

I've got a question from Michelle and I really wanna ask it, because this is gonna lead me to talk about some stuff that I've been wanting to talk about for a while.  "Dear Hank and John, The other day I began having a crisis about the classification of belly buttons.  Do belly buttons count as scars?  I mean, they're basically closed holes.  Isn't that what a scar is?  Do scars have to be unique to a person and/or be the product of some sort of injury?  Please help solve my dilemma, as it's keeping me up at night.  Best wishes, Michelle."  Mostly I wanna talk about this question because I wanna talk about belly buttons because I have a baby now and a belly button thing happened and I didn't really understand how belly buttons happen and wow!

 (10:00) to (12:00)

Wow wow that's weird!  

J: Yeah.

H: How did belly buttons happen?  

J: Yeah.

H: Placental mammals are so strange!  Whoa!  Whoa!  I did not understand how belly buttons worked, John.

J: Oh, yeah, no, anyone with a child can tell you that belly buttons are definitely scars.  

H: Yeah, also, yes.  Also, it's not--so I just--I pictured that like, you had the baby, and then they cut the cord and then like, at a like, relatively like, recent--relatively like, close to that point, moment, they just pull the cord off or something.  But that's not what happens.  They cut the cord close to the belly button and then it just sits there for like, weeks, this like weird, (?~10:48) scab on the--your child's belly.  You have to like, work around it, and like, it doesn't smell good, it like, it's--

J: No.

H: It's wei--it's got a real funky scent and the--and sometimes it gets bad and like it gets infected and it smells really bad and you have to take them to the doctor but that didn't happen, and so they're like, they're like, it smells funky, that's okay, but if it smells bad, and I'm like, I don't know what's the difference between funky and bad.  It smells pretty bad, but apparently if it smells bad, you know.  You know it smells bad.  But anyway, that doesn't seem right, and then it slowly starts to peel off.  It just like, it's like a fingernail.  Like, it's like connective tissue that's been dried out.  It is so frickin weird.  It is weird and I love my son very much and I like, and like, it's beautiful and like, magical, but weird and yes, it is a scar and it has like, a one of a kind scab that happens, and I just wanted everybody to know that, because nobody told me before I had experienced it myself.  I'm okay though, John.  I might seem like I'm not okay, but I'm okay.  

 (12:00) to (14:00)

J: You seem to be processing some pretty deep stuff right now.  

H: I'm all right.  But also just like, all--so here's the thing.  Like, I get how milk happened.  It's just like a--it's another way of sweating basically, it's like you sweat more, with more oils and proteins and stuff and like, like, like, the, like, platypi, platypuses, they like, instead of having nipples, they just have like, areas of their body that sweat milk and so I can see that, I can see how that could evolve, but like belly buttons and placentas and like, where--how--that's--that's real weird that that happened at all!  And I understand why it's way better, like, it's a way better way to make a mammal  than like, like, marsupials are kind of like the intermediate stage and I get why placenta was better but man.  I was--hmm--it made me--it made me think harder about placental mammals and like, what a remarkable thing we are but I wanna know more about the evolutionary development of the placenta now.

J: Well, I think um, that's a good bit of homework for you, Hank.  I want you to come back next week having prepared your Mars news in advance and also with more informational about placental mammals.  

H: Okay.  I'm on it.  

J: We're all trying to reach harder into a brighter future and that is going to be your contribution.  Hank, this question comes from Joshua, who writes, "Dear John and Hank, My last name is a problem.  It was probably Loland originally, but after my ancestors came to America, it was changed to Woolyhand.  Woolyhand is not a great last name, especially since my family has quite small, hairless, entirely un-wooly hands, and since we changed it from our original, actual surname, the new one has no meaning.  I was wondering if you could make a more badass meaning and history for my family name than the real, it used to be Loland and then changed when we ventured to America.  Best, Joshua Ryan Woolyhand."  

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